This is a laborious blog. I do not
suggest you read it.
My new way of thinking…First and
foremost, it’s pretty fucking weird that I should be able to adopt
a “new” way of thinking in the first place. For sure, I should be
able to view what I’m doing and be acting in relative
accordance with my previous mode regardless of what I’d like to
believe about some sort of “fresh start” or something “new.”
Fuck it, you’ll have to trust that it’s actually different. All I
can assure you is that I’m significantly more mentally fucked than
you’ll ever want to give me credit for, and that capacity allows me
even the preconception that I can pull off such a feat, which
coincidentally, is enough. So there.
The first step I can tell for a new way
of thinking, is to put aside all of the bullshit that I can consider
old or beyond relevant modes of thought. I’ve been streaming
Current TV and had the “duh mother fucker you should have realized
this sooner” epiphany that I don’t need the Young Turks telling
at me that giving money to the rich will not help the economy and
that trickle-down economics is a fools idea. So, I put myself to task
naming and thrusting aside the old conceptions of what people are
arguing about. Screw your leftist or independent blog, the facts care
not for labels. I don’t need more convincing on reality.
Human rights: everyone, no matter how
intellectually infuriating and inept, is equal under the law and I
don’t care who you fucking, what you’re snorting, what color
you’ve dyed your skin or been born into, or even what magic you
believe dictates our existence, you have a vote, you’re perspective
matters to the extent that you can give it a voice, and I will be
made to swallow it in an open forum debate as to the how we decide to
govern society. BOOM, just wrote a four and a half line sentence,
drunk, that is grammatically correct: eat a dick.
Personal goals: I want to open EVERY
business. I want to be in your mind and up your ass. I want people to
think Mystik or Nick P. or whatever conception I choose to thrust
upon this world every waking moment because I want to be a process. I
don’t want to be the rule or the ultimate dictum; I want to be the
method by which things change. I want to be the discussion. I want to
be a guide on the cycle. I want to be the endless pursuit of what
could be, what can change, what it could mean, and what things could
become. I want to black out and hit a fugue state state where things
just rush into being in the order they are supposed to and to the
needs by which they can serve.
I’m sorry, but I WIN. I will
always win. I will put my mind and heart and whatever conception you
have about a soul to it and I will win. I will talk till you have no
choice. I will decide until something beyond me robs me of the
ability. I will learn and follow the pattern. I will giggle at the
idea that I don’t know what’s going on, like I don’t care, like
I can’t change it, like it’s new, like it’s special, like I’m
not capable of turning my thoughts to deconstructive tendencies. I
will look like however I think you need me to look. I will fail in
the ways you respect as failing. I can’t escape it! I can’t do
anything but talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and fucking,
fucking, talk. But that’s what I’ll do. I don’t know what else
I could do.
So new way of thinking…It involves a
greater resolve to “roll with the punches.” It lets people get
away with a different and significantly greater degree of murder. It
subjugates free will and marginalizes it to a variable point of
obscurity. For as much as I think I want to be the arbiter of my
fate, I do not pretend things didn’t come before me. Whether this
has the proper bearing on where I’m to go and what I’m to do is
yet to be established, but it’s important to play out as many
scenarios as I can come to realize. Either something is dramatically
wrong with this person who thinks that they have “all the answers”
who wakes up at 2 and plays a game he hates whilst realizing he has a
joke to show for the amount he wants to really express, or something
deeper and significantly misunderstood is going on underneath it all
that may be realized by shifting how I can manage to conceptualize
myself. The very prospect puts butterflies in my stomach.
A significant part of me knows “to
what end” is a ridiculous question. Any and everything I could
accomplish can and will be erased by time. BUT to the extent that it
existed in the first place, that can never be denied. To the extent
it worked for what I advocated and worked for, fuck what happens a
million years from now, I made the kind of world or developed a
paradigm in which people didn’t have to hate what I hate. People,
or moreover, the ones I give a shit about, didn’t have to struggle
with the same shit I did. Forget the endless unbearable thoughts that
I would love to say “you’re human now for suffering what I have.”
Now I’ve really made the kind of world where one can simply exist
and meditate and love and care and whatever hippie fuck idea you
think should fit in next.
I need to be part of a cycle. I need to
get used to the idea that I am simply part of a, potentially endless,
trend of existence that goes from conscious to unconscious and back
again and that merely observes what the fuck can happen. Maybe not
what’s supposed to happen or what’s destined to happen, but
everything that in fact can. The net energy level of the universe is
0. Not positive, not negative. Not hot or cold. It just “is.” So
all the energy spent worrying, judging, pretending like we have a
fucking clue, is merely balancing a bigger equation than we know. As
infinitely up my own ass as I am, as much as I love to idealize Nick
P. and what it means to be me and how no one has my history, I’m
essentially an irrational concept thrown together by a confluence of
inert forces that perhaps inevitably led to me writing this blog at
this time. It’s more than a little humbling if such is the case.
You need to win too. You need to equate
me, not de-thrown me. You need to realize just how much is and can
be. You need to realize that you are the world. You are reality. You
are the world! It’s the best defense against someone like me
and it’s the only recourse to actually giving yourself a fucking
prayer for the future or your meager conception of self in it. I will
truly win when this is the message I get across. I will have beyond
everything when you are drunk with power at a whisper of my words.
You fuckers are just going to make me work for it though.
It’s ridiculous the amount you have
to work before you can even get around to working. I would love to
spend 23 hours a day on something that actually mattered and existed
to forward the ideas I have come to believe can shape and change the
actual landscape of reality. Turns out it’s not enough to graduate
college, open a business, read and write until you can barely make
sense of words, or maintain some level of moral high-horsery. No, you
have to scrape. You have to take orders from absolute idiots who by
virtue of being a little older or starting with a little more money
put them in a position to try and tell you the kind of employee or
person you need to be. You have to fight with your arms tied behind
your back when representatives of a billion dollar company take bets
on your success or failure and lie to you to the tune of thousands of
dollars. You gotta have money to make money? By what method do you
get that initial money without resenting yourself, the people you’ve
worked under, and the very existence under which you struggled so
hard to endure?
What if it isn’t about the lofty
thoughts? What if it isn’t about the labor? What if it has nothing
to do with “the future” or “potential?” What if always right
now there’s something being completely overlooked or
unaccounted for that puts the state of the world in order that can
quell the disconcerting thoughts and align itself as the proper tract
to walk? It’s not resolving myself to fate; it’s a commitment to
ignorance. It’s “not even trying” (read: being effortless)
because I’ll never actually know the extent of the consequences.
It’s a commitment to less stress and judgment to see if my mind
will still bring me round to where I’ve sat so comfortably
inevitably anyway. It’s still a search for fulfillment, but I get
to stop blaming myself so dramatically. It’ll hopefully find more
words as I spend more time under its spell.
