I can feel a rift forming and I think
it’s because I tempted fate. (Impossibly vague and indirect)
I have the power to start a fight
without anything actually fought over happening. I have an innate
ability to send signals insanely deeper than an advertisement
(fucking hopefully) or silly moral anecdote about life and your place
in it. Is it a matter of respecting power or engaging and
acknowledging it? You should respect the consequences of course, but
the power? The power is there, it isn’t biased or judging. You just
take it or you become subjected to it.
I don’t think or feel “macho”
when I refer to power. Power for me is cause an effect. I’m a
“moral” being simply out of cause and effect and it’s hard not
to throw in the word cynic stating it that way. I genuinely can’t
feel happier than when I can contribute. Be it a joke, a helping a
hand, an idea. What the fuck ever. When I’m an active part of the
process, my disposition grows, hence my obvious friendships. When my
level of comedy or productivity grows because of them of course
we should grow closer.
I’m not even positive what it means
to say “the human component” to things. There is no humanity to
me. There are bodies with feelings and potential. You play by the
rules that make each other happy or you don’t. If there is some
universal balance rule at play, it surely doesn’t give a shit which
you “choose.” But there has to be a choice. Why become conscious
if not to collapse that wave function and dictate? Why pick a mate,
pick a friend, develop an agenda or sense or moral outrage if not
because the choice projects a much more enjoyable ever present now?
Maybe the particles don’t choose, maybe the cooperation allows for
choice. Haha oh fuck I’m talking myself into free will. That’s
kinda cool. #notbackedupscientifically….yet
I think I want to make a difference,
but it’s very important for me that it makes sense. I can’t think
of a bigger identity crisis than to consider everything I say just a
happenstance relative position about an undisclosed and uncertain
amount of constraints that I “feel super strongly” about in order
to project some safe or contented future. When I attack something
like religion, it’s not actually because I want you to feel bad.
It’s not that I don’t think your feelings are genuine. It is
simply that I’m insanely more concerned with honesty than I am
about how you feel about me. Being “real” is hard. It’s often
depressing. It’s not something you choose lightly. But I’d rather
be dealing with the tear inducing bullshit of life with people I know
who get it than jump into a pool of excuses and formality.
I want and expect the best. As a result
I find myself moved towards dramatics. It’s one thing to get stuck
in a day to day habit and another to flip the entire script with a
pointed and calculated decision. I’d like the decision to be
collective. I’d like a convergence on reality. There are too many
barriers from people who don’t care or don’t realize the harm
they cause. I can’t have them in my circle. I’m only good at
cutting things off from practice. I wasn’t actually born this cold,
and maintaining it is fucking insanely stressful.
The best course of action I can take is
to run the experiment. If I manage to obtain some old fuck
disposition with clichés like “that’s life” and “just be
happy with such and such” I’m going to get there the hardest way
possible. Barring some tragedy, you can spit in my face and call me a
failure if I’m not pursuing the full extent of my vision. I hope
you can find me dramatic, but not unreasonable. I hope you have my
ideas well before I ever get to them. And I really fucking hope it’s
worth it.
