How do you balance your practically
lost “hope” for things with a need to be practical? I mean, I
genuinely have no hope for the “big picture” at this point. I
think we’re going extinct. I think we’re all the most horrible
kinds of people in the world. I think the planet is more than on its
way gone at least for our long term or mass habitability. I don’t
trust a single thing I eat. I think people are allowed to feel too
safe which makes them too dumb and the majority of people will claim
being “too nice” to do or say anything about it.
I don’t like staring at the fact that
it isn’t about how much you work or are willing to do, it’s about
whom you know and how much excess you have to waste to achieve your
means. I’m the kind of person who is willing to work 23 hours a
day. And even having done that I’ve found myself exactly where I
am, stuck. The only thing I have going for me is that it drives me
crazy. I want to be doing something more or better and frequently
different.
I don’t really see the good in
people. Sure you can catch them off guard and they’ll often opt to
be polite or lend a hand. Not going out of your way to cause harm is
not the same thing as being “good.” To me, it would be good to
see more people constantly pissed off. I want to see people who can’t
take their minds off of worldly problems to the extent that it alters
their disposition and behavior. The level of comfort and complacency
is what scares and bothers me the most. Everything is taken for
granted.
When you take on responsibility for
your actions, you aren’t allowed to see things that way. It simply
doesn’t make sense for me to think that I’m going to just go
about my happy day doing as I please and spending like it’s my job,
and I’m going to be able to maintain a business. I don’t get to
blame my feelings or actions on a divine plan or will so when I
dictate the reasons you’re a friend of mine and the kind I’ll try
to be to you, that’s mine to own. I don’t pretend that I’ll
always have friends “just because.”
I often wonder where my responsibility
stops and someone else’s kicks in. I’d like to think I can just
chalk it up to history. Literally every financial hurdle I’ve had
to deal with is the result of dealing with a greedy non-caring and
massive business entity that knows the game of fucking people. It’s
my responsibility to own the decision to open and when I need help,
but it would just be wrong to say opening was a bad idea or that I
somehow can’t do this. I mean, it’s a glorified lemonade stand.
Everything about the food industry is wash, rinse, and repeat.
How do you have the conversation with
the person who’s comfortable selling shoes out of a hole in the
wall for 20 years that there is exceedingly more to life and even if
they feel like they help or give back, clicking Paypal donation
buttons or commenting “that’s just awful” about something you
see on the news is not nearly enough. How do you persuade the
primarily waddling masses that the problem isn’t their thyroid? Who
hears the message that practically everything about their day-to-day
is built on a culture of greed and death…like literally…people
dying so you can complain that your screen isn’t loading fast
enough.
And it sounds so angst ridden teenager
or crazy hippie, but it’s actually a thing that bothers me. And you
read about the pathetic little activist groups who don’t see how
things work and let their emotions drive them to some country or to a
picket line while business conducts as usual. It really is no wonder
why some of these people choose to get violent. They know nothing is
changing and it must feel like a dramatically lesser evil. Worse,
think of taking these “feelers” and explaining to them their pet
cause is misguided, naïve, or flat out wrong. Now you’re toying
with a group already motivated to action.
This may speak to why I never feel like
I can stop writing even when I’m not feeling like I’m saying
much. Unless I see it in the news or sneakily slip it into
conversation or trap someone in a rant, nothing gets discussed. No
reason or plan is ever established. No time or respect is given to
the circumstances. No moment of silence or reflection. We just go
about our day.
