[33] One Hell Of A Fight Club

So I just saw Fight club. The whole schizoid thing sparked something. Look at your friends. Your best friends. Who are they? They are you. At least part of you. This isn't deep thinking or anything but I find it so intriguing when I think about the 5 or so people I call actual friends. I even tend to act like the personality trait I attribute to them when I'm around them. That's basically weird. This goes back to finding ways to live through your inadequacies. Damn. I don't know if I like realizing that. One more way to lose a sense of self. Fuck. Hmm so lets diagram this.

1.  Angry, Talkative, Thoughtful, Proud
2. Dramatic, Sympathetic, Irrational
3. Indifferent, Horny, Experimental, Trustworthy

The other few that stick in there are some extension of the above only directed towards different specifics. Ten buck says that if/when they read this it will be too easy to tell I'm talking about them. And most of those can float in and out between them all. Overwhelmingly I gravitate towards people who think and that I can trust. Duh. So then wait….

Selflessness, Spirituality, Beauty

And now it becomes simpler. But even still. I know plenty of people like that don't I? Or maybe their just trying to hard. Or the fact that they're trying period. Not so much about embodiment but instead preservation, proliferation. Striving to embody balance? Then its how badly does/has a disruption affect/ed you? That smidgen of yin you have that keeps the yang from doing something stupid? (if you've ever read into that kind of stuff). According to the few charts I've just read it appears I have little yin.

Prognosis: The force that drives one to preserve the balance of one's inner chi(?) is most compelling. The question. What, if anything, does it say about the compulsion of love? Projected manifestation of your own desire? Quite depressing if so. Better question. Is the balance held in the head resulting of subconscious thought and observation, or at the root of the heart?

If the heart is inherently pure than it worries not of being thrown out of balance. Implying the head, which perhaps frequently can't be trusted. Thus where the standoff between heart and head takes anchor. Then why do some move so voracious with either or? Both present and compelling, inability to be ignored. Talk about disorder.

It wasn't Mr. Norton's mind that pulled the trigger.

[32] I Just Wish I Knew How To Draw

God: Wow, that was a pretty violent death there Tyrone. I mean 14 caps in dat ass and you took it like a stone cold nigga.

Tyrone: What? I was part of a gang, my life was filled with hate and violence. (wearing diamond incrusted cross)

God: And lemme tell ya, it makes for great HD, or heavenly divine, tv.

Tyrone: But God, I read that all the sex, drugs, and violence was gonna get me on the highway to Hell.

God: Read what? What are you….. O My Self! Saaaataaan!

::God glances down the road to see Satan bent over laughing::

God: Satan, did you send that crap story about your starter race and call it my word again?

Satan: (grinning) maybe….

God: Dude, its getting childish, this is the 5^th time you've screwed with one of my creations.

Tyrone: I'm getting confused.

God: I know man, its cool, this doosh over here can't grow up.

Satan: What's wrong with a little fun? I mean come on, what's better than hearing "Oh, I love Jesus. He's my savior. I know God. God hates fags and abortion. Blah blah blah" and then 2 seconds later they cheat on their wife, scream God damnit, and conspire about EVERYONE that doesn't seem to "get it" like they do.

God: You know just as well as I do we all have to start somewhere, making it that much more confusing is why we have so much damn work to do in processing. You'd think they were Mexican with so many coming in at one time.

Tyrone: So you mean all the bible stuff isn't right? My faith that the words were holy and righteous means nothing?

God: Well, let me put it to you like this. The headline in today's paper is really gonna read, "God created another race, shaped the cosmos, and redefines the soul…… and by the way you should check out his new book." Not to mention, technically your all my kids, what do you think Jesus has that you don't?

Tyrone: (puzzled) Damn. So then what's good and bad? What love can we trust?

God: Do you like being told what to do, think, and say?

Tyrone: Hell naw

God: Would some dirty Blood ever be able to convince you that your mama's dying and you can trust him to look after your turf?

Tyrone: Ok, now you playin with me dawg.

God: Well if you can't trust them with your turf and mama, how can you trust someone with your knowledge about Me?

Tyrone: Well see that's different man, If my brother came to me and said moms was sick, I'd go and check.

Satan: Even if I had been a little bored the night before and decided to plant seeds of a double cross in your bro's head? Good news (gay happy clap)

Tyrone: Well no.

God and Satan: So how would you know?

Jesus: Hey guys, what's goin down?

Satan: Not me…

God: We're seeing how Tyrone here can tell between me and Satan.

Jesus: Sweet, so what's the word turd?

Tyrone: I mean I grew up with him, he ain't crazy. We tighter than a virgin. Once when we was kids he lied to my pops fo a week about who busted are bedroom window so I wouldn't get my ass beat. I dunno man, I can just kinda feel him in my stomach you know?

Jesus: Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. What does he win Goddy?

God: Umm i dunno, whatever he wants? this is Heaven right?

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Son: Daddy, why do we have war?

Dad: Well son, some people hear God and he tells them to start one.

Son: But what about the bible?

Dad: What about it? Who kills more than God, ever read the Old Testament?

Son: Daddy you know I can't read yet.

Dad: I know, I know, good thing you have me to say what it means to you.

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Mark: Hey John, did you know Franklin once said "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."?

John: Really? Deep.

Mark: I know right, puts a whole new spin on praying.

John: Now I know some people who's lives have been enriched and changed by prayer.

Mark: Your probably right, but you should see all the books written on denial.

[31] Preamble

Well it happens, I read something and feel compelled to just type something. Instead of a major headache hear she goes…..

So I finished reading "Misquoting Jesus" and basically don't see how there is any credibility in any stretch of the New Testament. The whole thing about man writing the bible and are able to put whatever they want into it takes on a whole new meaning. I also started reading "The Will to Power" and that provides sooo many insightful reasons as to why people adhere to religion in the first place. I find that my current and difficult mood of almost overwhelming apathy and distrust may just be the beginning of what could prove to be true enlightenment. I find it too coincidental that Nietzsche brought up the idea of unending occurrence and living (in some way) over and over with no real attached meaning. Hearing this stuff and understanding the human condition only seems to weigh on my heart that much more. Is love to be confused or understood as an expression of the will for power? Is every feeling brought on from a state of exhaustion because it is self destructive and against natural tendency to think outside the herd? I mean religion makes sense that way….if this damn bird doesn't stop landing on my window…..(distracted)….. When you start to think against that which empowers and preserves you its easy to get defensive. You want to deny this life, deny the actuality of your real and right now existence. You react instead of express. Its why I jumped that layman's shit when he prayed that this life isn't the important one and shouldn't be so heavily focused on while his religion tells him its important for worship and spreading the "Word." It even needed a sacrifice of this petty flesh and blood for salvation.

I think there's just too much I want to say right now and can't really make sense of it. Nietzsche writes in that old way that had to be then translated so all this crap I can read, get the gist of it, but not really fully digest it for what its fully saying. I did write down a few lines though that I couldn't stop myself from repeating over and over in my head.

"What convinces in not necessarily true, it is merely convincing"

"One chooses in fact that which hastens exhaustion"

"Mortification of the self, pity, even the negation of life. All these are values of the exhausted."

I really connect with and understand the last two because of my own experience. I really am tired of thinking. I once wanted to settle on Christianity. I'd like to settle on something stupid like alcohol. But it's not that simple and those are traits and characteristics of the weak. You get depressed and pessimistic which according to Nietzsche leads to Nihilism or "nothingness." And it all makes sense and I can relate, but I don't feel like it stops there. 

I want to sympathize and attack religion at the same time. I see what it does and then I really see what's its doing. I just wish the people that were so consumed by it, the ones who are (by societies right) the moral superior and enlightened would see the futility and at the same time the potential. They are the ones making the decision, they are instilling and preserving the "rules" and "right" not God. That their expression of their will to power is the same as everyone's' in its pre-distinction and direction. If God went so far as to "inspire" the words of the bible that tell you how to trap your life, why didn't he put any effort into preserving and safeguarding them from a careless scribe. Its not anti-God to say he didn't inspire them in the first place its common fucking sense.

The concept of wholeness. I feel like I can't be "whole" until everyone "finds the God within." I think there has to be some collective effort to get back on the track of evolution where people are forced to better themselves or they can no longer exist. I feel like all the "virtues" and goals of life mean nothing. They lead nowhere without the real knowledge of how to appreciate them. In other words it doesn't mean shit that you say you love God or have faith if you can't recognize, or worse, outright deny what's staring you in the face.

I think decision in itself could be the purpose for existence. Just deciding. Waking up each day and deciding it's a good idea to love and take care of a family. Settling on the notion that knowledge is right. Then it becomes baffling why others can't reach the same assessment. Why heaven is more important than pursuing the love that they think they're getting from "God" and are instead engineering a sedative that pushes or negates instinct.  People didn't just lose a sense of self only because of fear. Futility reared its ugly head as well.

I don't want to attack peoples' faith. My aim is at convictions. I wouldn't be alive without faith that there was something more. Without a feeling that I can influence something or someone to such a degree that it would justify life and allow me to be living proof of "purpose."

My ideals are swallowed in the never ending age of decadence.