[21] IN div...I dual i...tY

What really makes someone an individual? Browse through the thousands of myspace profiles, watch the millions of youtube videos…. Everyone to some degree or another listens to the same music as you do, drinks the same things, takes the weird "I'm alternative, but still cool and dark" picture, or sports their popular clothes. These people have the same smiles, same poses, same thoughts and blurbs in their about me sections. Every school is the worst, or the most exciting and awesome. No one could possibly ask for a better best friend they have in their profile picture. I was just walking around the mall and noticing how every seems to scream their insecurities and pledge their allegiance to the crowd. How you can find a presence in the air of, "I think I'm the only one in the mall and I need to look like this because…….." All the clicks have their cool guy, hot girl, jokester, chubby one to make the others look better. Then I start to think about what I heard in waking life about how history constantly repeats itself with all these famous philosophers and theologians coming to mind blowing conclusions and compounding on all the previous information to make bigger and more mind blowing conclusions. What I don't get is if there is this air or presence lingering over everyone's heads making them feel, say, and think all this that makes them so connected, what is it pushing towards and can we discover true identity? How can we have so much information from the past and technology now and not be able to zero in on the big picture. God signs maybe? Telling us all to tap into our "true" selves and get the point already.

But, it’s like really depressing to think of yourself as nothing more than an imitation of someone more like the person you want to be. I think the only thing that sets us apart from each other is a concentrated effort to deny any connection that may exist. Or maybe fear to explore where that connection could take you. I think that's where it really breaks down when people find love. Its like I go to an MCR concert and find people all arm in arm with their emo alternative chick or dyed hair pierced guy. Now there has to be something to make girl/guy dressed in black different. People sense or feel this connection to something to more than the eyeliner or way they flick their hair. The question is, how can everyone tap into that sense that self that seems to be only perceived by a few? What is that sense of "the one" and the relation it has to who were created to be? Its almost a direct correlation with people that adopt the view of "the few" or "the many" and their confused perception of morals or denied and unanalyzed thoughts about the whys behind their actions. Its easy to justify being a floozy when you kill any urge to stress or think. You can always live by your own rules and be "yourself" when you've never explored what living by something else may have to offer. This is why religion is so intriguing to me. With all of the rules, separatism, and interpretations it all just points to this bigger sense of understanding. They all claim to have the answers behind finding that person who gets into heaven or gets the virgins. But what really is going to more self revealing and problem solving than living? 

Look at sexuality. Sex is supposed to be this engagement between couples in love. Obviously for a lot of people that isn't the case. The bible would shake its finger and say how wrong you are and taking the wrong path to God. For some people though, random fucking may provide this overwhelming sense in their hearts and minds that tells them something more than some errant preacher of the gospel. Anyone that doesn't agree can just look at any "sin" they partake in and look at the messages it sends them. Your continuation of such activities, despite your acceptance or denial of what they are telling you, does not change the fact that the opportunity for a lasting and deep impression is still present. It's kinda funny and coincidental to me how all my "problems" seem to mesh into one picture. Feelings for dream girl, screwed up past, thoughts on religion, plans for my future. It all boils down to me wanting to tap into myself and live like force I can't explain wants me to. Base my decisions on something more than a rule book or an insecurity. We grow up imitating. When do we know how and when the cord can be cut? My thing with the bible is that its only valid if it backs up what you, in every sense of the word "truly," believe before you ever read it. That's when the real message comes across. Until then you look like just another cult member. 

Thou shalt not steal takes on a whole new meaning when you've gone to jail. What do people do when they are restricted? Duh, look to get unrestricted. Why drop a rule book on the heads of a gene pool that's main motivation in life is to be free? You might say to set them free. Free from what though? Free from life? Free from this limbo spiritual battlefield? If that's how its all going down then why live? Does someone being human and then super human give you a better perspective of why you should'nt follow the devil? Do you get an extra merit badge for going through life's bullshit that the angels never had to? I mean its not hard to sympathize with the agnostics and atheists if you can't understand how, if at all, this spiritual force is impacting your life. If everything is set into play because of nothing more than predictable actions and probability then right there is why the concept of love is so important. All the foreseeable actions, time, and probability in the world is going to make you meet or connect with millions of people, but nothing they have to offer can even vaguely compare to the sensation you get being around that one. That's when all those rules and "restrictions" become your life. When you learn and live through actual true love. In all honesty I think your actions are justified in ignorance or knowledge if they are striving to reach that understanding.

Random fun thoughts cus I know you got distracted and stopped really reading after four sentences……If you’re married by a pastor who's boning the alter boys, is your marriage valid?

regardless

[20] Religion Blogs Are Fun, Trust Me, Just Yourself More

You want a pissed off blog that has nothing to do with girl problems, here you go. I'm watching this Evangelical thing on Hbo where all this brainwashing crap is telling people that evolution does not exist. All of a sudden because someone accepts Christ they can justify not thinking for themselves. What the hell does an erected bone structure of T-Rex mean to you? Your happy and don't fear death and all your dancing and singing means that you're A ok. I want to point a gun at some young kids head right at that moment and have hin laugh in my face to prove it. I swear these people kill me, the ideal behind Christianity is great, all of it makes sense, everyone happy and loving and yada yada you get the point. Unfortunately, these people want to take parts of the bible, they want to twist phrases and create all the "Christian" events and simply because they put that title before it its holy and powerful. 

I like what Bill Maher said, "God doesn't write books, I want to give him more credit." I wonder about people and their interactions. Mega churches and scripture beaten into people really scare me with how quickly things could turn wrong with the "right" types of preachers. It feels like I'm watching a cult, and I seriously doubt that's how God wants to convey His "message." People need to feel accepted and it feels like they either wear Abercrombie, pierce their cocks, or become Christian. Are they hungry for God or hungry for excuses and a need to feel secure about their opinions. If they can even call them their opinions. Its so easy to get wrapped up in a shroud. What kills me, what I simply cannot put out of my head is this. All my thinking and headaches and seemingly random crap that goes through my head. All my years of not being religious or faithfully calling myself a Christian.

I came to these conclusions about life and human interaction and faith and all this other crap that no one seems to want to take the time to really think about, and I did it without once cracking a bible. Movies, quotes, people have opened my eyes to views and ideas that perfectly in line with the Christian ideal. Basic crap about human nature, listening to your conscious, the definition of morals. I could argue that the bible is sometimes used as a crutch for the weak mind. People would tell me its God speaking through me and he made me think those things or what have you. If you say that then your just as ready to take the devil as a scapegoat when you mess up. People lose their sense of responsibility and shame because one Sunday they danced and sang after they fucked their dog and now its all ok. I hear someone saying on this show "you're a big time loser if you don't believe in Jesus" where was this guy when the passage "judge ye lest not be judged" passage was said.

 Put a handful of these wonder bread hicks in Merrillville and lets see how Godly they are to the black kids walking around. Do these people look at their lives critically and cynically ever? Bush is one of those awesome Christians right? Nuff said and great job there. You can believe in marriage, great, ok good not to have abortions. Ask one of these people what happens when some 14 girl gets knocked up by her dad. A plan for that baby, girl, and family. Who says that just because you believe in gay marriage or rights and life means you're contradictory? How many crack babies have you adopted today? Definitely not a Christian commercial there right. The proliferation of happiness and love, be it with some homos or not, is not the damnation of life. Who the hell made that true? I can believe in Jesus, repent, actively seek and find apparently, but I don't know if these people are seeking or being herded. Fucking Republicans, God forbid you have "good Christian values" and bad ideas. 

These churches teach you to judge. When they "educate" kids you can see it in their little faces the lack of thought or reasoning they have as to why they said that. They scroll through the list of words and passages from mommy and daddy gave them and recite it back for a cookie. I'm tired of the "everything is alright" mentality in the name of Christ to un or partially informed "Christians." And wasn't some prominent "Christian" leader of this mega church a fag? You know maybe my situation is one giant message from God because if Dream Girl started acting like these people, mind you I don't see it happening but I'm no future teller, then ya……I hate this all, I hate that these people join a church or faith that says one thing and means so much  more. It's mob mentality. 

This gay guy I watch crying in this pew, going to this church where he's not accepted is more real and closer to God to me then this fat old guy standing up on his pew looking so satisfied and content in his prowess centered on hate. Open your arms and close your eyes and the war in Iraq will stop uh huh.. Listen to a Christian rock band and you'll hear God. God doesn't like tattoos one place will preach and then another "church" is formed by people with full bodied tats that express their love. And people wonder why I have a cynical view on things. Would people that followed Hitler say he was on a power trip? Its not about the ideas behind the power trip, its not about the message, it's about the actual situation. Who says that some preacher who's "faith" is sooo strong is nothing more than a man who likes power. He likes seeing hands wave and people jump when he screams Jesus. No one knows, everyone believes. It says we're suppose to read the bible in order to know God. It doesn't say we will know Him it just says that's the method. 

God is over our heads like a complicated joke. He doesn't say you can't be educated and fight the doubt in your mind with logic and hardship in order to find the right path and strengthen your faith. If anything I think massively believing one thing and constantly having people barrage you with the "right" path will send you farther from where you need to be, than if you were to live as a regular "sinner." I don't advocate bad things and hateful thinking and all the other crap, but I do promote knowledge and experience and reasoning. God created those things, the devil manipulated them. That doesn't mean they are inherently wrong and that when you think something or partake in some "ungodly" act that the message God wants to send to you is any less powerful than when pastor Bob yelled it at church. Ya but what do I know right, I'm some lost soul to an extremist Evangelical. I have nothing valid to say if I don't quote it from the bible first. My interpretation of life means nothing to anybody right. So stupid and closed minded these people are I can't even rant about it any longer.

Side note a few hours later.....Craig Ferguson talked about being an alcoholic and how to deal with his problem by talking with people who shared his views, thoughts, or paralleled his life. I advocate this process over just about everything. Its how I learn, its why I think so much, its how you solve unresolvable problems, its a way to be really connected and share more than just time with someone. Coincidence that Jesus did the same thing? You want to hoot and holler about your Christianity then great, but don't act like their arn't other ways for finding direction than to be beaten over the head with a bible and locked within the confines of a judgemental faction that thinks for you.

[19] who cares

It's a lie for me to think I'd be happy to see her go off with someone else. It's a lie to think that she doesn't care about me enough and that's good enough reason to just forget about her. The truth is exactly what it says in the bible. If she's not part of my life the pain in my heart would cause the loss of part of my soul. Over and over I want to just keep saying it, she doesn't care, it couldn't happen, I'm not worth it, and I still can't make myself believe it. I ask God to just take her or me away from the situation. Put me somewhere else to "learn from his grand plan." I don't want to be the guy with his arm around a girl one day telling her "there's no one I'd want to be here with than you," and know its completely untrue. I want this inner sickness to subside. I don't want my stomach to keep hitting the floor. I don't want to misthink everything I do or say. The times when its not complicated, where no one's around to just distract her or make the air in the room weird are so wonderful. Why would hold my hand on that bus ride, why call me pet names and her "love," why won't she just tell me to go away. I could do it with an honest, "give up." Am I really meant to suffer like this all through college, all the way until I get my super awesome business, all until I've gone to church every Sunday and done whatever else tasks he's not faithful I could do without her? When someone becomes your very will to live how do you justify cutting them out? Too tired to wake up….wait, fccla, I'll get to see her. I don't want to go to some concert…..o ya nikki will be upset if I'm not there to cover the part. Wow I'd really like to cuss this dude out….She hates cussing its not worth it. All that little crap that I'd never think about with anyone else. No one else could've gotten me to see God and actively pursue ways of understanding him than her. I don't pray every night and read the bible now because it looks good to her. I don't write blogs so she'll read my pain and be guilt tripped into feeling something for me. I don't even try to work her friends over so they can play my hand for me. I just want my chance, my time to make this girl who apparently doesn't even think she feels pretty, to be a queen. Its getting sickening this feeling, I can't take it anymore and am about to break down again. I'm not a generally depressed person, I had something of a moral code in the past, nothing to be wrong until I found true happiness. And its making me feel worse than I've ever felt. My luck its not true and all the while I've plunged into some depth of insanity. It can't be true if she doesn't care about me right. I can't be the one who's supposed to make her happy if in like a day she's trying to get ash's approval for some kid at work for her to date. I'm not gonna play like its alright anymore, I simply can't. it hurts too much to put on a face and I'm constantly reminded of why I don't like to do it. I had my one mini miracle that took the pain out of my heart. I asked if the spirit was with me, going through all the same feelings, and it went away. If that means God wants to help me along the way with this struggle or have me push it away I don't really know. I don't want to hit any point close to where that "lost" blog came from but it seems like I'm on some exponentially increasing path that wants to shoot me there. Even talking to Tapper reveals that Fucking Dickhead Donnie is saying the same shit I am. How great am I supposed to feel about that. Why can't I use that even to help justifying pushing her away. Is she that great a person? That beautiful, that moral, that perfect…I couldn't feel any sicker or worse about anyone that wasn't. One of the main reasons I'd want to be rich would be to open doors for ways to please her. I have these visions of grand parties where all my friends are crowed around just being happy and living and sharing. And when I see these parties its just me, going around mingling, whatever. I never see myself getting to adore her. I prolly am too crazy about her. Fuck it, I'M NOT, I'm not, I can't, and I won't get over her. WHY? Is getting over her getting over God. Is pushing this window of enlightenment out the door a spike in my soul. I can feel so many things weighing on my motivation. I try to talk to a pastor, of course he's stressed out and can't get back to me for a month or so, all of God's servants are supposed to suffer, he just won't tell them why. I try to talk to Tapper and he just agrees with the most b/s thing I could think of and be irrational about. Ash sends me to her dad or gives me some look and an "o well that sucks." Nicole, "every possible way to make you feel bad about living, according to the bible, God forbid I think for myself" Why am I giving a fuck about trying to nice and selfless and about someone else. All its leading me into is people with more drama and issues than even their God seems to be helping them with so how the hell would nething I'd like to say help like it does with people who aren't so wrapped up in this spiritual force affecting their lives. Good news, I've seen Star Wars also, we actually do have something in common. Before, I had my random acts of perversion, my advice skills, friends who I enjoyed being around. Now I feel like I can't be in any group. I'm either not good enough, or can't make myself feel bad or perverted enough to make the old things funny again. I'm not an isolation type person unless its by choice and not being able to fit in with friends on a deeper lever can't possibly be part of the plan to make things get better. You know getting angry at everything at least takes my mind off of my stomach. I don't try to push blame on people because no ones done anything but try to be nice and Godlike. It's turning out though that that isn't enough. I felt closer to her when I acted more like Justin who pisses me off beyond all belief with how her treats her like some sexual rag doll to be played with until some big titted hoe calls his name. The world I'm surrounded in disgusts me and the only means of survival is to play along, I'm sure God loves that notion….I'm sorry I'm not good enough, I'm sorry that I've let myself go through all this for some simple "life sucks and love hurts" lesson, I'm sorry that any time I try to be nice or want to change in the back of my head I'm thinking something like "o perfect time to be humble, God will change me now, maybe this deep and cool blog will show how much I'm really feeling bad." I don't know how else to deal with it all then to just lay it all out on the table. I really think that in a flash I could become this terrible person. Break me down the point of absolute isolated, non caring, hatred, and yes I will snap, forsake, change completely. If that's some outlandish bullshit then my challenge to God is to prove me wrong. I don't know how to pray because my ignorant bliss of the past was just that. And diving head first into this "battlefield" is not doing anything but fucking me up.