Saturday,
January 3, 2009 at 6:43am
It's
not that Steev and I are always fighting, it's that I never
understand her. Or I guess better said, I don't understand how we
relate beyond a physical and semi-cordial manner. I don't love her
even remotely in the way I love/d Nikki. We've had however many talks
about breaking up, even setting a date at the beginning of summer.
Simple things like text messaging don't even go over well. I say
something I think is pretty straight forward or completely sarcastic
and funny, she responds with what's, why's, and how's that don't even
make sense to me. It's literally as if I asked her about her day and
she decided to scorn me about the cancer growing in my lungs from
polio. It just doesn't make any sense to me. And then when it comes
to sex, you'd think that would be a mutual thing. Takes two people,
involves each other's pleasure zones, but the way she comes across is
as if she's granting it to me because I want it. Like she pities that
I'm horny. And if I make some sort of sexual innuendo comment she
takes it to mean that I'm just trying to have sex for her, as if I
could possibly not enjoy it. She'll call me and we'll have nothing to
say to each other. I'm bad at small talk and know it. She tells me
I'm the only one that she can't have hour long random conversations
with on the phone. I'm sitting here thinking, there's no reception,
I'm doing nor have done anything remotely interesting in the past two
weeks, and despite me just telling you that I was reading I'm still
staring off into space, dead air in my ear.
I shouldn't have to respond to "Do you like it" with regards to my relationship with, "That should be an easier question to answer." There are perks sure, You get to wake up with someone, you get to talk and hang out, share the burden of and mutually support things. In my world though, I've gotten past my previous conceptions of what a relationship would do for me. I really do like and get excited by many girls and the idea of talking them into things, spending time with all kinds of different people, and playing my own game. Now, all I feel is restricted by the rules of formality, cordialness, but mostly her feelings. The fact that she really cares about me is making me make myself suffer through an uneven and, personally understood as, mismatched relationship. I didn't like being alone because it was boring, not because I was aching to have a girlfriend. The only reason I started talking to her in the first place was because I saw that she was someone who would be worth knowing, messing around with, getting back into the swing of things. This relationship isn't fair to either of us and yet it will persist and I think I'm just making another game of finding a way to be happy in the midst of it. I'm not sure if this is healthy or practice. The fact I don't see those two relating to each other doesn't help. She'll survive without me and I her. We'd get along well enough to keep Mystik going, I hope. This is truly all my fault for breaking my own rules and acting against my nature in the name of experimenting.
She doesn't love me. Not in the way I felt for Nikki. Keeping that in mind is allowing me to drag this out without thinking it's just digging some hole. I already know she will probably get hurt. You can't explain to someone that you care, but at the same time don't give a fuck. I don't want my friends hurt. And that's what she is. A friend I have a committed relationship with. But people are ultimately responsible for themselves. I can't say I haven't been honest, but I've had to be "nice" enough with that honesty. When I honestly acted in exactly how I understood the situation, she thought I betrayed her. When I'm too honest about what I'm thinking or feeling, she gets hurt and thinks I'm going to cheat or thinking that she's lacking in something. She refuses to accept that she's who she is and needs to express that and not think it needs to be sacrificed for me. That's how I can say that I just don't give a fuck if she's going through some emotional turmoil. She's not retarded, she stands strong and she understands, I hope, what's going on. She is choosing to be in this just as I am, but I feel like I will always see things more clearly. Or at the more desperate level, always feel confused about what she means, where she's coming from, and why she doesn't understand the simplest forms of expression I can engage in.
This coupled with my ability to cut people off, be unbearably mean, drive to fuck with, and inability to sympathize with those that choose to suffer under what I deem retarded circumstances isn't good. I guess the quick thinker would point out that I seem to be suffering in confusion and lack of love. But I think suffering implies more desperation, more feeling of being out of control or unable to pull the trigger when absolutely necessary. I am not suffering through having a cute girlfriend that I basically get along with who's ambitious and smart enough to want to endeavor down a road with Mystik and social manipulation. That's far from suffering. A girl that will pop the pimples on your back is a keeper, so why can't I just be happy? The obvious answer, my overall happiness thus far has entailed a more encompassing social and sexual interaction, and it hasn't been at the expense of doing or saying anything that popped into my head at any one moment. I don't have a scale that says how important being able to do that is. Thus, I'm figuring out how much a relationship can pump out in happiness if I work at it, sacrifice for it, and try not to see my previous rationals and "perfectly" rational. Acting on the outside is what will reflect on the inside, but your innate and selfish, arguably "true" nature, doesn't just get erased in lieu of your actions. Where am I going to balance?
I know I don't want headaches. I don't want to make her sad. I don't want to feel on the brink of saying something or doing something for the sake of some test or antagonism. If I can write, keep the writings from her, and practice I think this will go smoother and start to make more sense. As much as I want to say that I passed up fucking a girl that I've been trying to fuck for years, this information does not go over well for relationships. As much as I'd like to just get super pissed at something seemingly insignificant yet it cuts so deep, I need to tarry that anger to a context. I wish I didn't feel free. Maybe that's why I'm working on the relationship. If I can get a set of rules with a person that I've convinced myself to be enthralled with, then it takes off the burden that comes with the feelings of being free. If I can find reason enough that this would be better for me longer than my sexual philanthropy and unabashed character, then I don't suffer the bullshit of feeling marginally guilty by hooking up with someone, or waiting for actual years before she comes around to your pitch.
I'm also falling into the trap of thinking too far into the future. I'm already worried about what she'll think or feel when I escort some girl to my room as we walk past her. I'm already worried about how we might act during some business meeting. I'm taking for granted that she'll be less inclined to help or care if I end things in the wrong way. I don't like how she tells me she loves me and then says I don't have to say it. Of course I don't have to say it. If and when I feel it, I will/do say it. She loves me, but not in a way I can understand. And I love her, but not in a way she feels, necessarily likes, or understands fully either. It won't help to start making schedules and interactions that keep us around each other all the time. She won't want that after things are done. Especially if for whatever reason we don't make it until the summer. I had a feeling the schedule thing would fall through anyway. If only because we won't have enough things to keep a consistent block of things we simply have to get done.
It bothers me that I could "emptily" fuck this other girl and still want and appreciate what I have with Steev, and she would never in a million years agree or empathize with that. I need to be all to herself. I'm "special" although I'm not, neither is she, none of us are. Sex is just fun for me, not a sign of commitment or loyalty. I can commit to people with the promises I make, the the words I give to my friends. They can trust how I'll react to things, how I'll deduce a situation, and that I'll at some level always be acting in my self interest. I don't understand how that isn't enough. I feel like I give people more honest assessments of myself and heartfelt testaments to who I can be for them at a level that some people who've been together for decades don't have with each other. Yet that still isn't enough? All that tells me is that the flaw isn't with honesty, it isn't with my style or choices, it's with the other person. It just means that I don't want to play the game of catering for the sake of a title or I don't want or empathize with the feelings of a normal relationship.
I can't be wrong if I'm happy and the people I want to be happy are happy as well. I can't see the flaw in my reasoning if people keep coming back, aren't holding grudges, can and do talk to me without my probing or desperate attempt at getting back in contact with them. I appreciate the different ways I relate with everyone. I don't want to sacrifice that for one relationship. For one person that must be glorified beyond all reason to make any argument formulated around that idea seem even vaguely compelling and plausible. That is what causes my headaches. That is where the suffering takes place. It isn't me suffering being with one person who by any standard is amazing and good for me, it's sacrificing what I see as my relationships with other people. They all make me happy. They all compose a part of me that I like to express in some form or another, and they are all part of the framework I've built to understand and express. Steev isn't conducive to the whole, and that's why we'll end. It isn't her, it's everything about me, and that isn't meant to be self-defeating, an excuse, or cliche. That's the reality. At this current juncture in my life, I will want to fuck other people, I will want my seemingly endless time alone, I will want to construe my philosophy and words on unsuspecting people and situations, and I will be compelled to react against the situations that put me in opposition to that. And that's exactly what a relationship is. It's giving your finger to the world of pure selfish expression.
Relationships, friendships, and love I feel only work when both people understand that that is why they are in it. Despite all the people in the world and everything else you could be doing, your both choosing to enjoy how you relate to each other, and are dignifying it over everything else in those moments. Neither of you has to sacrifice aspects of your personality that you enjoy and see as fundamental to expressing who you are. Your both uplifted by each other, not picking away at yourselves "for the sake" of the other person. If you like to fuck, then fuck. If your good at talking, then talk to each other, if you can do both at the same time, more power to you. To me, the reality is, there is no intrinsic action or behavior that should glorify basic human interactions that everybody can engage in. There is no edict from heaven that says once you can stay up all night talking to someone, you should be in a relationship. The best blow job of your life may hate everything else you hold dear. It all is just actions, what makes them dignified is your pro-active choice about who they are going to be with. It is not your desperation to hold on to the integrity of the ideal laden platitudes about love and relationships. While I'm acting to keep a relationship and doing all I can do to visibly show this other person that I enjoy their time and appreciate what we have, I can't ignore the statement I see myself making to other people. I can't pretend like I didn't see that one girl's body language before and after she found out I had a girlfriend despite our previous conversation. I can't pretend I am not fantasizing about or had set into motion a plan for getting with someone that is now being trampled because I'm another "taken" guy. That is frustrating as hell and really pisses me off.
And now despite this, what does someone like me do? I go and make the game even more complicated. I try to use the relationship as an advantage for my later interaction with those girls. I use their built up thoughts and ideas about me to grow and swelter so they are that much more likely to submit in the future. I coyly play like I don't notice them looking at me. I try to remain friendly and nonchalant when their faces grow cold and down. I still don't know if that's being "honest" to Steev. When there's a list of things you can't tell someone because your in a relationship, given that they are about what it would be like if the relationship weren't in tact, I can't feel that bad about not telling her. This especially given how she's reacted in the past. It is being honest to my perverted self. It is being honest to my curiosity and want to fool around with them. I want it all. I felt like I had it all, except for the experience from or effort put towards a "normal relationship."
When I didn't have much of an identity beyond obnoxious asshole, that would explain why I fell so hard for Nikki. Here I had granted myself a new game of trying to "self express" through actions that would distract or fix her troubled world. I put up the edicts about her being gorgeous and worthy to get the reasoning out of the way, and then I go to town on mentally bereaving myself. Now that I've moved beyond that and developed a shit ton of more reasons to be anti-relationship, if not anti-love as well, I'm tearing myself up over the idea that I would drag myself back into a world that I've already figured out. A self-defeating game I've already beaten. A struggle that won't take place in the same way, but still smells of the past. My basic empathy and rules regarding friends will continue to weigh on me so heavily because they are well-reasoned and good things to live by. They are things that aren't necessarily in opposition to my other views, until they adopt a cloak of a relationship. So, the new game is resolving this? Making the relationship cohesive to the idea, at least for now, that it's spitting on or detracting from what I have with other people or how I express myself. I don't think that was a wise road to travel. I really think at this point that I've just been so bored I've openly adopted this drama and mess for the sake of something to write about. Well okay, not really, but close. I can't say I didn't see any of it coming, and I can't pretend like I don't believe there is a simple answer. I just want to make my friends happy, but only when they understand it's their responsibility first. And it shouldn't even have to remotely involve me.
I shouldn't have to respond to "Do you like it" with regards to my relationship with, "That should be an easier question to answer." There are perks sure, You get to wake up with someone, you get to talk and hang out, share the burden of and mutually support things. In my world though, I've gotten past my previous conceptions of what a relationship would do for me. I really do like and get excited by many girls and the idea of talking them into things, spending time with all kinds of different people, and playing my own game. Now, all I feel is restricted by the rules of formality, cordialness, but mostly her feelings. The fact that she really cares about me is making me make myself suffer through an uneven and, personally understood as, mismatched relationship. I didn't like being alone because it was boring, not because I was aching to have a girlfriend. The only reason I started talking to her in the first place was because I saw that she was someone who would be worth knowing, messing around with, getting back into the swing of things. This relationship isn't fair to either of us and yet it will persist and I think I'm just making another game of finding a way to be happy in the midst of it. I'm not sure if this is healthy or practice. The fact I don't see those two relating to each other doesn't help. She'll survive without me and I her. We'd get along well enough to keep Mystik going, I hope. This is truly all my fault for breaking my own rules and acting against my nature in the name of experimenting.
She doesn't love me. Not in the way I felt for Nikki. Keeping that in mind is allowing me to drag this out without thinking it's just digging some hole. I already know she will probably get hurt. You can't explain to someone that you care, but at the same time don't give a fuck. I don't want my friends hurt. And that's what she is. A friend I have a committed relationship with. But people are ultimately responsible for themselves. I can't say I haven't been honest, but I've had to be "nice" enough with that honesty. When I honestly acted in exactly how I understood the situation, she thought I betrayed her. When I'm too honest about what I'm thinking or feeling, she gets hurt and thinks I'm going to cheat or thinking that she's lacking in something. She refuses to accept that she's who she is and needs to express that and not think it needs to be sacrificed for me. That's how I can say that I just don't give a fuck if she's going through some emotional turmoil. She's not retarded, she stands strong and she understands, I hope, what's going on. She is choosing to be in this just as I am, but I feel like I will always see things more clearly. Or at the more desperate level, always feel confused about what she means, where she's coming from, and why she doesn't understand the simplest forms of expression I can engage in.
This coupled with my ability to cut people off, be unbearably mean, drive to fuck with, and inability to sympathize with those that choose to suffer under what I deem retarded circumstances isn't good. I guess the quick thinker would point out that I seem to be suffering in confusion and lack of love. But I think suffering implies more desperation, more feeling of being out of control or unable to pull the trigger when absolutely necessary. I am not suffering through having a cute girlfriend that I basically get along with who's ambitious and smart enough to want to endeavor down a road with Mystik and social manipulation. That's far from suffering. A girl that will pop the pimples on your back is a keeper, so why can't I just be happy? The obvious answer, my overall happiness thus far has entailed a more encompassing social and sexual interaction, and it hasn't been at the expense of doing or saying anything that popped into my head at any one moment. I don't have a scale that says how important being able to do that is. Thus, I'm figuring out how much a relationship can pump out in happiness if I work at it, sacrifice for it, and try not to see my previous rationals and "perfectly" rational. Acting on the outside is what will reflect on the inside, but your innate and selfish, arguably "true" nature, doesn't just get erased in lieu of your actions. Where am I going to balance?
I know I don't want headaches. I don't want to make her sad. I don't want to feel on the brink of saying something or doing something for the sake of some test or antagonism. If I can write, keep the writings from her, and practice I think this will go smoother and start to make more sense. As much as I want to say that I passed up fucking a girl that I've been trying to fuck for years, this information does not go over well for relationships. As much as I'd like to just get super pissed at something seemingly insignificant yet it cuts so deep, I need to tarry that anger to a context. I wish I didn't feel free. Maybe that's why I'm working on the relationship. If I can get a set of rules with a person that I've convinced myself to be enthralled with, then it takes off the burden that comes with the feelings of being free. If I can find reason enough that this would be better for me longer than my sexual philanthropy and unabashed character, then I don't suffer the bullshit of feeling marginally guilty by hooking up with someone, or waiting for actual years before she comes around to your pitch.
I'm also falling into the trap of thinking too far into the future. I'm already worried about what she'll think or feel when I escort some girl to my room as we walk past her. I'm already worried about how we might act during some business meeting. I'm taking for granted that she'll be less inclined to help or care if I end things in the wrong way. I don't like how she tells me she loves me and then says I don't have to say it. Of course I don't have to say it. If and when I feel it, I will/do say it. She loves me, but not in a way I can understand. And I love her, but not in a way she feels, necessarily likes, or understands fully either. It won't help to start making schedules and interactions that keep us around each other all the time. She won't want that after things are done. Especially if for whatever reason we don't make it until the summer. I had a feeling the schedule thing would fall through anyway. If only because we won't have enough things to keep a consistent block of things we simply have to get done.
It bothers me that I could "emptily" fuck this other girl and still want and appreciate what I have with Steev, and she would never in a million years agree or empathize with that. I need to be all to herself. I'm "special" although I'm not, neither is she, none of us are. Sex is just fun for me, not a sign of commitment or loyalty. I can commit to people with the promises I make, the the words I give to my friends. They can trust how I'll react to things, how I'll deduce a situation, and that I'll at some level always be acting in my self interest. I don't understand how that isn't enough. I feel like I give people more honest assessments of myself and heartfelt testaments to who I can be for them at a level that some people who've been together for decades don't have with each other. Yet that still isn't enough? All that tells me is that the flaw isn't with honesty, it isn't with my style or choices, it's with the other person. It just means that I don't want to play the game of catering for the sake of a title or I don't want or empathize with the feelings of a normal relationship.
I can't be wrong if I'm happy and the people I want to be happy are happy as well. I can't see the flaw in my reasoning if people keep coming back, aren't holding grudges, can and do talk to me without my probing or desperate attempt at getting back in contact with them. I appreciate the different ways I relate with everyone. I don't want to sacrifice that for one relationship. For one person that must be glorified beyond all reason to make any argument formulated around that idea seem even vaguely compelling and plausible. That is what causes my headaches. That is where the suffering takes place. It isn't me suffering being with one person who by any standard is amazing and good for me, it's sacrificing what I see as my relationships with other people. They all make me happy. They all compose a part of me that I like to express in some form or another, and they are all part of the framework I've built to understand and express. Steev isn't conducive to the whole, and that's why we'll end. It isn't her, it's everything about me, and that isn't meant to be self-defeating, an excuse, or cliche. That's the reality. At this current juncture in my life, I will want to fuck other people, I will want my seemingly endless time alone, I will want to construe my philosophy and words on unsuspecting people and situations, and I will be compelled to react against the situations that put me in opposition to that. And that's exactly what a relationship is. It's giving your finger to the world of pure selfish expression.
Relationships, friendships, and love I feel only work when both people understand that that is why they are in it. Despite all the people in the world and everything else you could be doing, your both choosing to enjoy how you relate to each other, and are dignifying it over everything else in those moments. Neither of you has to sacrifice aspects of your personality that you enjoy and see as fundamental to expressing who you are. Your both uplifted by each other, not picking away at yourselves "for the sake" of the other person. If you like to fuck, then fuck. If your good at talking, then talk to each other, if you can do both at the same time, more power to you. To me, the reality is, there is no intrinsic action or behavior that should glorify basic human interactions that everybody can engage in. There is no edict from heaven that says once you can stay up all night talking to someone, you should be in a relationship. The best blow job of your life may hate everything else you hold dear. It all is just actions, what makes them dignified is your pro-active choice about who they are going to be with. It is not your desperation to hold on to the integrity of the ideal laden platitudes about love and relationships. While I'm acting to keep a relationship and doing all I can do to visibly show this other person that I enjoy their time and appreciate what we have, I can't ignore the statement I see myself making to other people. I can't pretend like I didn't see that one girl's body language before and after she found out I had a girlfriend despite our previous conversation. I can't pretend I am not fantasizing about or had set into motion a plan for getting with someone that is now being trampled because I'm another "taken" guy. That is frustrating as hell and really pisses me off.
And now despite this, what does someone like me do? I go and make the game even more complicated. I try to use the relationship as an advantage for my later interaction with those girls. I use their built up thoughts and ideas about me to grow and swelter so they are that much more likely to submit in the future. I coyly play like I don't notice them looking at me. I try to remain friendly and nonchalant when their faces grow cold and down. I still don't know if that's being "honest" to Steev. When there's a list of things you can't tell someone because your in a relationship, given that they are about what it would be like if the relationship weren't in tact, I can't feel that bad about not telling her. This especially given how she's reacted in the past. It is being honest to my perverted self. It is being honest to my curiosity and want to fool around with them. I want it all. I felt like I had it all, except for the experience from or effort put towards a "normal relationship."
When I didn't have much of an identity beyond obnoxious asshole, that would explain why I fell so hard for Nikki. Here I had granted myself a new game of trying to "self express" through actions that would distract or fix her troubled world. I put up the edicts about her being gorgeous and worthy to get the reasoning out of the way, and then I go to town on mentally bereaving myself. Now that I've moved beyond that and developed a shit ton of more reasons to be anti-relationship, if not anti-love as well, I'm tearing myself up over the idea that I would drag myself back into a world that I've already figured out. A self-defeating game I've already beaten. A struggle that won't take place in the same way, but still smells of the past. My basic empathy and rules regarding friends will continue to weigh on me so heavily because they are well-reasoned and good things to live by. They are things that aren't necessarily in opposition to my other views, until they adopt a cloak of a relationship. So, the new game is resolving this? Making the relationship cohesive to the idea, at least for now, that it's spitting on or detracting from what I have with other people or how I express myself. I don't think that was a wise road to travel. I really think at this point that I've just been so bored I've openly adopted this drama and mess for the sake of something to write about. Well okay, not really, but close. I can't say I didn't see any of it coming, and I can't pretend like I don't believe there is a simple answer. I just want to make my friends happy, but only when they understand it's their responsibility first. And it shouldn't even have to remotely involve me.
Updated
about 3 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike
You
like this.
Diana
Woody
at 11:45am January 3
It
blows my mind you post this kind of anguish that involves other
people publicly...
Love you.
Love you.
Nick
P.
at 3:24pm January 3
this
is actually private with only you and my one friend allowed to see
it.
Diana
Woody
at 3:29pm January 3
OH.
That explains a lot. Also, I feel privileged. And, you should try
leaving Indiana...move to the east coast...people are so much
awesomer out here... Example: in Indiana, I ask a girl before a
threesome, are you sure you'll be alright with this in the morning.
She reassures me. A week later she's bemoaning how she gave in to
temptation and woe is her, she screwed up and I'm
thinking, dammit, I PERSONALLY asked you to think it through because
I KNEW you would do this. I've NEVER had that problem with anybody
out here. Lots of people identify themselves as "loose" in
their relationships (not their words, that's my best description for
it) in the kind of way that you and I appreciate... There's so much
world and variety of people outside of the midwest! Not that I hated
the midwest, it's just definitely been different out here...
Nick
P.
at 3:47pm January 3
See,
I the worst thing about here is that at the beginning of our
relationship she described wanting a "British style"
relationship. What I took to mean as, and I'm paraphrasing her words,
"You can fuck other people just as long as you know that your
coming home to me" type situation. Given this delightful
information, I didn't sleep with, but messed
around with another girl towards the beginning of the relationship
which resulted in a huge backlash about me being dishonest or trying
to betray her. You can hopefully imagine my confusion. I wish I could
convey that it's nothing about her that I necessarily dislike, but I
really am just that bent on new experiences and don't regard sex as
the be all end all denotation of feelings. I am intrigued by the East
given your frequent endorsements. Although I'm not conveniently
disposed to pick up and go quite yet. Also, I'm modestly hopeful that
I could swing her around to three way things or letting me stray, but
it isn't something I can push.
Diana
Woody
at 3:59pm January 3
I
think insecure women say, and possibly even think, they're alright
with "british style" (I'll use that term) relationships,
but in their minds, even though they've "given you the freedom"
(which bothers me, since both people should kinda want it for it to
work), they actually want you to shun all others as a sacrifice to
prove your love for her. I've seen several women
try to be open-relationship kind of girls and fail utterly because of
pettiness, spite and jealousy. Which wouldn't be a big deal if they
were just honest with themselves and admitted that they want a
conventional monogamous relationship! Unless she does a lot of
growing up (mentally) quickly, I doubt the relationship will get much
better... She's practicing too much self-deception (is what it sounds
like to me) to be able to be a part of a serious, mature form of
relationship that's open. You have to really have it together to be
in an openish relationship.
Nick
P.
at 4:16pm January 3
I
have confidence that I can at least go about my "method" as
it were of discussion with her, and am actually willing to go through
the potential drama if it doesn't work out. We've touched on things
like this before even though I can say I think the main reason she
won't like it will be because of her ideas about betrayal. One way or
another I'm confident things will work out without regrettable
consequences even though I don't necessarily disagree with your
analysis of her behavior.
Diana
Woody
at 4:38pm January 3
as
long as you're confident, I suppose... ;)
