[1269] Sand Castles

I wanna explore for a bit why “I’m not the one.”

This initially comes from growing up in a hood-adjacent wanna-be gangster kind of mindset. Not that I, or any of my friends, actually wanted to be gangsters, but we grew up close enough to Gary that of my friend group, at least half had a solid amount of their cousins actively affiliated kind of thing. We did things like carry knives to school, not because we had to, because we were itchy. You grow up in a space where enough people talk a certain level of trash, and it’s not unheard of that one of you or your affiliates will get into some wholesale immature “Oh fuck, I just stabbed a guy” kind of shit.

The point being, you’re primed and you find the mindset. With me, it goes a step deeper though. I grew up on stories of what my grandpa did to Nazis. I really enjoyed those stories. I’ve also had enough physical training and/or altercations to know I’m not the kind of guy that wilts and cries if you hit him in the face. I do the opposite and react like I’ve just scored a power up in a Mario game. I’m 6’ 2“, 225-ish pounds, and built in a way that my muscle needs some persuading to pop, but is no less there. I’ve, rarely, felt like I couldn’t handle pretty much anyone or any situation that might constitute ”threat.“

But it gets worse, I’m also smart. I’m also charismatic. I’m also funny. I have a nice smile. I could lose all my hair tomorrow and still run whatever game I’ve been able to in the past. So, when I don’t wanna project myself as some kind of nonsense “tough guy,” I can disarm and infiltrate just on what I learn about or read off you. You can read hours of chronicling how people have reacted to that capacity over the years.

I think it’s relevant to bring up now because I’m up against fascism big and small. I’m up against the monolith that is impersonal generalized animalistic stupidity, greed, and ambivalence. I have to have the patience and wisdom to navigate systems that are almost wholly corrupt and well-rehearsed in their capacity for breaking people and rendering their sense of self and agency mute. Surely, some ego-ridden mere mortal isn’t up to the task.

Rarely, and I promise it’s rare, do I put my whole ass into something. I’ve almost never had to. Me at 10-20%, in my experience, is most people’s 150-200%. They’re exhausted. They’re excuse ridden. They’re distracted. They’re mature and evolved and the things I might try to shed some light on they’re above and beyond. They’re normal people, and I’m absolutely fucking not normal people.

So when I say something like “I’m not the one,” practically, I’m talking not just about a propensity to unduly and indefinitely obsess about something. That’s your typical autistic-type. I’m talking about my creativity. I’m talking about that special sauce that gets you cast on The Real World. I’m talking about asymmetrical warfare. The answers to your problems have been written by thousands of people who have suffered deeper than you and discovered the bounty of the infinitely creative well of retribution. You just have to learn about and implement them. You have to have balls. You have to know that, fundamentally, it’s just people you’re up against, and people are super squishy.

I’m also incredibly mean and malicious. I’m not hesitating. I’m not full of regret. I’m not “debating” the wisdom of a course of action because I’ve done that homework for years before I landed on how I’m on my way to fuck you. To be sure, I mean fuck you back. I’m not sitting around looking for excuses to make my presence and capacity known. I wish I could get left the fuck alone. No no, I have to react. I have to reshape my reaction into a testament to my values and drive and capacity so it doesn’t just end up as some reactionary nonsense helplessly flailing in the face of the powers that be.

That’s the level I don’t think nearly anyone is thinking on. I look at the living examples of the rich tech bros not clocking that there’s actual people living in the areas they want to skull fuck for data centers. Even the proverbially richest and “smartest” people on the planet don’t seem to understand the game. It’s not about the money. It’s not about your egomaniacal grand design. It’s about your understanding and articulation of the playing field and your willingness to exploit in ways that go undetected. The fact that you know what Project 2025 is testifies to the stupidity of loud alleged power brokers.

“But aren’t you over here telling us what you’re capable of?!”

Am I? Or am I giving you the pretext to write me off? Am I saying anything, really, with this writing? Have I made a specific threat or declaration? Have I alluded to my powerful friends? What is this but a silly empty boast?

I think one of my favorite things about me is that anyone who meets me or gets to know me knows I’m not the one. It’s not something I need to say. I carry it. I embody it. I exercise it in small ways every day. All it means is I’m accountable to what I say and what I want. It’s not some magically more complicated and powerful sentiment than that. It means I have a life of evidence that suggests when I point my brain and being at something, things are going to go a certain way, or else.

Again, you can read some extra drama into that sentiment if you like, but that feels unhelpful. I’m often hamstrung by my generally aloof “artsy”-esque existence that swings wildly from positions of immense authority and responsibility to months of watching TV and eating ramen. To me it’s important to clock that I can do both well. I’m not stuck. I’m not destined. I’m not so lacking in self-awareness or self-esteem than any given state says the relevant thing about me.

I’ve been marching this whole time. I’ve been protesting indefinitely. I’ve been exercising my creativity and pushing towards my goals persistently. As I come upon (ha) what will soon be an influx of more money and more time, even and in spite of what I have to piss away to bring some accountability to some shitty PDs, the best and worst about me is going to get a chance to shine in some new and unique ways. I’m incredibly excited by this.

People say things like “I don’t give a fuck.” I don’t believe them. I give so many fucks. I give way too many fucks. But I give so many fucks that it overflows into a form of “I don’t give a fuck.” Like horseshoe theory for psychology. I don’t want to die, for example, but I would die elated violently crashing against the things I’m always fighting. I beat the shit out of a door yesterday. That’s a really silly thing to do for someone who doesn’t have health insurance. But, at my core, I don’t give a fuck lol. It’s so weird, right? Shit needed to get hit, so I hit, a lot, really hard until I didn’t have to anymore.

I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to destroy, necessarily. I will. I will laugh like I graduated to full blown personality disorder as I swing way. I will infect areas of your life you forgot were there. I will exploit who and whatever I need to so that it doesn’t trace back to me. And, literally, every single person who knows me knows I’m absolutely capable.

So, I fret here and there. I get annoyed and resentful of having to deal with bureaucracy and noise. I’m just human. It’s that next step that matters. It’s that agency. It’s that planning and execution. And I’m salivating about the future demonstrations.