Because modernity has given us an infinite caricature around the word “victim,” I think we’ve run the danger of pretending like people aren’t or can’t be victimized.
Because I was asking for it as part of a self-harm ritual, I posted a recent digression to reddit, describing how circumstances have been victimizing me. The ever-reliably unhelpful, hateful, wildly ignorant and incorrect takes flooded in. They extracted I was a drug addict. I’m just complaining. I need to take accountability. Of course, most only commented to say they weren’t willing to read the whole thing, always a gem-like spot of brilliance that needs to be shared.
I find myself repeating to clients often how little they should “simply ruminate” on a problem and find themselves in a fake court room arguing to a non-existent judge in service to winning nothing. People stay stuck chasing an answer to “why” and arguing for “their side” indefinitely, and when they can’t find relief, they use.
I’m stubbornly self-aware. I can’t unhear what I advocate nor take back the amount of time/effort I’ve practiced not being “whiny” as one commenter stated. I know there’s a series of decisions between me and compounding the vibe that allows me to flip the fuck out or make things worse. I know that the stress and emotional withdrawal will pass, if never as quickly as I’d like.
It’s 3:51 PM after I got the license suspension notice in the mail at around midnight last night. I’ve reached out to more lawyers. I’ve spoken with my dad who’s stepped up again to help me pay for some things. This will be the second time I’ve written. I’ve fought with AI, called the BMV, got an SR22 pending from my insurance company, and have who I think I need to call on Monday with the questions lined up to ask.
My victim-to-how-to-responsibly-take-control-of-what-I-can turn-around isn’t even a day old. I’ve got an $82 Uber ride scheduled for 6:50 PM. I reasoned the cost of getting to and from the show tonight, if it’s under $200, that will likely be less than what it would cost me to catch a misdemeanor, tow/impound a car, or other set of hidden fees associated with ambivalent predatory systems.
Is this what those cunts meant about accountability? Will they take any for talking like judgmental ignorant assholes? HA! It’s people like them that design, execute, and creatively twist the screws of those systems. How do they find the time to be such enthusiastic internet cliches?
If I needed a special exemption to drive, which in a world that could flirt with making sense again, if I got pulled over, I’d say I was driving for Door Dash, because I do work for Door Dash and without my dad would literally be out of money again. Not that I haven’t made a few thousand that’s incoming already, but don’t you know, according to online wisdom I need to also get a job and pay for crimes!
God knows it’s the most hardened criminals that have policy lapses. The cops who illegally searched me were doing me a favor by not having my car towed too, right? I should be grateful. The State’s own negligence and oversights doesn’t pay me on time, therefore I don’t pay my bill on time, therefore when I get pulled over for any reason like a burnt headlight I not just could but should suffer the aggression and presumption of the officer, let it go when they lie and invent reasons to be invasive, and then just join in the comments hating on and dog-piling the police like I’m helpless?
This is the prescription from you fucking lazy reddit morons, but you don’t have the balls or maturity to state it plainly.
I don’t have a criminal record. I don’t do drugs. My literal day job is the active practice of slowing down, breathing, parsing language, asking better questions, looking for agency, and finding the way through patently insane and unfair circumstances until we arrive at a place that doesn’t, REASONABLY beg you to check the fuck out if you occupy that space for too long. I don’t shy away from the extreme hatred and frustration I feel. I did, in fact, beat the fuck out of my front door. It felt appropriate and amazing and no one got hurt.
I reached out to multiple lawyers, left multiple messages. I made plans for 2 weeks from now if shit unreasonably hits the fan. I’ve been in contact with my boss who unprompted said she’d look into how to pay me a little quicker. I’m a communication and accountability fucking monster.
Hatred is my drug. I can tap into an infinite well of motivation and drive to express how much I fucking hate you, everything you love, how you operate, and the lazy ridiculous unbearably incoherent and fucking stupid shit you say to justify it all. You think any one thing or series of situations geared to engineering my sense of helplessness or victimhood is going to do anything but add fuel? I’d prefer to not die or end up killing myself for something unworthy of me, but hating what’s worth it to the degree they deserve certainly feels worth it. I’m no Dolly.
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