My relationship, or lack thereof, with my “best friend” has been on my mind. I listened to a Saosin live performance where one of the band members said something to the effect of “squash that shit, whatever it is, even if you’re not responsible for it.” He was describing some difficulties he was having back in the day with the band that spoke to how long it took for them to get back together and make music.
It’s a fairly common sentiment. Put it in the past. Forgive and forget. I still think about the drunk mom at the wedding where I was a plus-one to and with strangers. “Let it go!” She exasperatingly said under her breath as I shared a short story lamenting the wasted money of college to the person I was with, not even looking or talking to drunk mom.
The “wise” awakened and enlightened place you’re supposed to arrive at goes something like this:
Life is short. You’re only hurting yourself. Are any of us blameless or without faults? Don’t throw away all that time. Wouldn’t you want to be forgiven? The good outweighs the bad.
Later, maybe 5 minutes or 5 years, it moves into downplaying, denial, and eventually pretension. It wasn’t that serious. It doesn’t matter. Who you really mad at, bro? I couldn’t live like that.
In the modern era where seemingly all the talkers and influencers fashion themselves armchair-psychologists, you hear a lot of psychology terms used incorrectly all the time. I don’t see a concept get used more often than “trauma.” The “abuse” people suffer from “gaslighting” and “narcissism” and yada yada, a ton of people have pointed out this broader point.
I prefer to think of things in terms of “taking advantage.” For most people, I suspect they would only and ever claim to be “enjoying the advantages” of whatever their relationship, family, or friend dynamics are. It’s logical and reasonable to be with someone for different things you enjoy, and provided you consistently speak and understand in those terms, there’s little else to think about. An unconscionably rich person says every day, “I’m just enjoying a vacation!”
That’s the thing to stay conscious of. It’s not dissimilar to how I can maintain such a negative opinion and snappy things to say regarding my mom after maybe 10 or 12 years? since I’ve last spoken to her. There, in about 30 seconds, you’ll experience the betrayal of any hopeful or romantic ideals you might disingenuously maintain about reconciliation or people’s ability to change.
When you have what you’ve been playing apologetic games with for decades, it’s a lot harder to see if and when to draw deep boundaries and contrast. It’s very easy for me to describe the benefits and practical take-aways from my dynamic with my “best friend.” It’s good to have the person who will pick you up when your car shits the bed in the middle of the night. It’s good to have someone more “normal” in their professional and job prospects to get you in the door. It’s good to have overlapping senses of humor and jokes that might go back to childhood. I’m not unwilling or unable to tell the positive story of our dynamic, indeed, I was telling it for almost 30 years.
I think people even vaguely acquainted with me register a certain “hunger” and excitability I have. I spend a lot of time trying to be plugged into different realms. I can talk pretty fast, I will start a project or pursue a goal that minute, and I’ve been carrying on about my largest dreams and goals my entire life. I am primed and eager to be doing and moving every second, which carries a certain vulnerability because the wants are so obvious.
In the span of a few weeks, I’ve had one friend instinctively, consistently, support where I’m coming from in a way that my dad, Hatsam, and Wendy have and a way my “best friend” hasn’t figured out how to in going on a year and a half? This is if we’re only counting past the point where the dynamic got particularly egregious.
Now, of course, you don’t have to spend money on me or unduly burden yourself “just” to hang out. And I’d be a shitty friend if I didn’t recognize putting you in an unfair position to “meet my needs” or more accurately, squeeze what I needed out of you.
Here’s where you need the key piece of self-awareness. What do you need?
In my “best friend” dynamic, I think I can reasonably speculate that he needed license and justification. I know enough about myself to recognize my capacity as gasoline on a fire raging already. The fire may come across as subdued, colloquial, “normal,” but I promise you, my “best friend” is raging. Like recognizes like. I’m almost certain he read one of my blogs explaining the proper tragedy of what was lost between us, so he used our other friend as an excuse to call and try to capture. You know why I think that? That’s what I would do if I was still suffering what was catastrophically wrong with me and not trying to be accountable or genuinely helpful.
You know what I don’t have to speculate about? Not a single person who was also either responsible for the kid or has a stake in how my “best friend” behaves was told the truth about the extent of the kid’s behavior. When you’re willing to lie across the handful of people who might otherwise hold you accountable, you’re the one in the wrong. You’re lying to yourself, first. Therefore, I don’t expect you capable of maintaining an honest dynamic with or about me. That’s why I mostly treat people as the addicts they are.
That said, to avoid pitying and unironic pretension in reactionary turn, that’s why you set standards and boundaries. Can you behave like the people who don’t take advantage of me? Can you regard me in the same esteem that I do my friends? It’s not about the ups and downs of aggrieved feelings on any given day at that point. It’s not about encapsulating and insulating narratives to protect shivering self-conceptions and broken senses of well-being.
I have people who support me so I’m able to offer free counseling and casework services every month. I have people who are investing in me being able to learn and do more woodworking. I have people who get drunk and go to shows with me, and who will buy me dinner for my birthday tomorrow. I have people who come with me to play my hobby sports and invite me to theirs.
My own brother wouldn’t drive me 15 minutes up the road to an Airbnb before he took off on a 9 hour drive. My uncles have stolen $20,000 or more from me. My mom has weaponized every ounce of her self-loathing and malicious intelligence in artfully abusive ways. Why not my “best friend” letting his demons attempt to turn me into one of his lost-boy toys like I forgot who I am as well.
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