[1136] Calculus Drift

I have a tough nut to crack. I'm really excited to see where this goes.

I just made a new friend uncomfortable. We've been talking for a couple weeks in a quasi-therapeutic way about her last relationship. We've gotten friendlier, and even less formal, and started talking about other areas of our respective lives. She just did a ton of yard work, cutting down tree limbs and making 20-odd bags of trash that can't be conventionally picked up. Over the last few days I've been pitching to my friends and family to put me to work doing things like "yard trash haul" for a "pay what you can or think it's worth" in the form of a tax-deductible donation to my nonprofit. She got stressed over whether the amount she paid was appropriate.

I'd do nearly anything for free in service to things I care about or people I enjoy or wish to help. Life bills give no fucks about that, but it's a key thing about me I wish to embody more deeply and broadly

I'm working to live a values-based life. Can I center what I actually care about as the driver of my actions, creative energy, and words? I value my time more than anything. When it's mine, I can use it in service to family, genuine friends, or hobbies and media. I value eating, and being healthy-enough, and maintaining access to information and resources that allow me to advocate or experiment.

I'm also not a dumb hippie and don't try to survive on vibes, luck, or goodwill in and of themselves. I have assets, bills, and debt. Most people in my circles have a similar circumstance. They're not "poor poor," but they're certainly not $175/hr for indulgences or inconveniences. They may not know the exact price of every food item they put in their cart, but they do know it's not going to feel great if they spend $100 more than they were anticipating. Pretty much every major issue with a car or home appliance is going to involve a credit card no matter the makeup of the suburban backdrop.

Basically, the "true value" of a dollar is constantly in flux. I've spent thousands on business experimenting or hundreds on friends just because I had it and they were friends. I've stressed out about $0.30 increases to "dollar menu" items I ate almost every day." That is, I get it. Sometimes, maybe often, you don't really have the cash to get the level of utility or help you need.

I've personally worked way too many hours that, in no way, matched what should have been the dollar amount on pay day. I also observe in a large plurality of people a propensity to work themselves to death for almost nothing monetarily, and explicitly nothing spiritually/meaningfully, only to consider it "normal." They "have to pay the bills" or "feed the kids" or "deal with it." The hard-working, empathy and care for family, and resilient values have been hijacked by our miserable exploitative systems.

Well, I don't run the systems nor am responsible for the decades of policy and psychology that molded them. I run my system. My system recognizes how captured we are, how exhausting it is, and how distracting if nigh impossible playing along makes it to live, let alone even articulate, our values. You can't trust a slave who says they "believe in hard work."

I believe I "work hard," like millions of people. I don't need to believe I have a track record of doing things well across different areas in which I've worked. I don't need to believe in how I've developed the land, or got the coffee shop, or grades, or promotions, or strength to lift heavy shit. I exercise the belief system.

I believe I would work until my muscles gave out in service to people and things I care about. I don't need to believe when that literally happened to me during the coffee shop days, or in my throbbing muscles after a day of home renovation. I don't have to believe in the pallets, bricks, and tires stacked in my yard.

I believe you should have someone qualified to talk to who you can build a long-term trusting environment from which to organize your thoughts and find relief and control. I don't have to believe in the thousands of hours I've spent listening to people, professionally or otherwise, and the sentiments they've offered in thanks or praise. I don't believe that should cost anywhere near what most people are charging.

I want people to believe in me like I attempt to them. If I'm worth $5 to you for what's "on paper" worth $175 to the company-guy you Googled and is happy to come out next week, then it's my responsibility to adjust if our dynamic is equal-enough for me. I'm not going to resent you. I'm not going to dial back my desire and propensity to work or "help." I'm not going to play passive aggressive games about what you "should" do when a "friend" or "family member" is willing to step in and save you cash. None of that bullshit.

I'm going to tell you, truly, meaningfully, what I'm trying to do and what you mean to me, and ask you to do the same. I want you to assess your circumstances and how you prioritize your time, funds, and words, and feel whether they align. It's not a perfect science, and it might even feel kinda rude and ridiculous. Here, you bump into more of my values, because I believe in honest exchange, reflection, and creating the right kinds of discomfort. If you think it's too much or too little, it's too much or too little. I know how to adjust my behavior and trust myself to respond as needed. I know my ultimate goal is to provide my time and energy as "freely" as I can engage with people free-enough to sustain the floor. I want to exercise the privilege as though I'm already wealthy, because I am.

You're taking something for granted. I think it's a whole mountain of things, but when you're as rich as we are, it's hard to remember what made us that way before "stuff" entered the equation. Before you got turned into a number and reduced to a commodity, you just more or less lived in whatever the moment was providing you like every other animal in existence. Today, you have to fight, celebrate, dictate, demand, and define in perpetuity. If you can't do it for yourself, you'll get swept up in "it is what it is," as if you know what it is.

Whether I spend 20 or 60 hours counseling or yard-working or drywalling or something else in service to someone that needs it, I want to move past the discussion of an hourly rate. Surely, I'm worth more than $5 an hour and probably no one is worth $1.9 million , right? Modern inflation-adjusted minimum wage would be around $25. In 1971, with my degree and credentials, right out of college I would have expected to make $40 or more today. Those times aren't coming back, but I don't think either of us are any less valuable nor need to pretend Bezos is a god-genius.

The consequences of income inequality and greedy corporate capture notwithstanding, my project feels all the more pressing. If A.I. does what I absolutely don't think it will do and nearly everyone is put out to pasture, won't you be left with your values? Won't the consequences of what you really believed in start to be felt in a swift and dramatic way? Millions of people give their money to organizations that butt-fuck their children because they don't value their children as much as they do the story about their place in the cosmos. Try convincing them of that, and then return to this discussion about centered values.

I like the idea of you telling me, explicitly, what I mean to you in any given moment. I'm stuck doing it by default. I was born this way. I don't know how to cry "Hallelujah!" with my finger in your kid's ass without saying the quiet part out loud; it was all about the power to ass-finger with impunity to begin with. The quiet part is we're living pallid dystopian ironically "comfortable" nightmares of shredded mental health and decency brought about through myriad forces seen and unseen with nary a prayer of how to begin "fixing" anything.

Cut through the noise. Join me for a chat. Send me on an errand. Donate $10 or $1,000 and then reflect on how it feels. Fair to you and your circumstances? Fair to me and what I say I need and want? Indicative of your values or "beliefs" in what you see me do with the money? You can always send more. I can always refund you. Regardless, it's tax-deductible, and I don't know about you, but I certainly don't think the government is reflecting my values.

I need to keep the bills paid. I want my time to be utilized in ways that are meaningful to both of us. I don't register as feeling particularly meaningful to many people, and I don't even really think that's their fault. That's just the nature of the environment we're in. I'm trying to break the environment. You're going to find it very uncomfortable, and I don't care, but in like the most caring way I can conceive and practice.