[1131] Don't Care Where I'm Going

I'd like to shake off this grumpiness I went to bed with and appears to be carrying on into waking up today.

Yesterday had an overall really good flow. I was in good conversations, got to see and chill with a friend at a concert, and even made myself a big breakfast. There was a small storm delay for the show, but nothing too bad. What sparked a sense of aggravation when it came time to leave were the bands' dopey and awkward thanks, political, and "artsy" commentary.

I'm not a "shut up and play" type. I've seen some hilarious bands, have appreciated well-thought out and worded sentiments from artists who actually read or listen to genuine experts. I can't say that about Hozier or his opener Allison Russell. If you want to see how quickly an overt political band can die, see Anti-Flag.

Both Hozier and Allison spoke to Gaza. They didn't simply say they cared for the women and children. They called it genocide. They paired sentiments about everyone being connected and valuing each other for who they are. Hozier brought out a modified pride/trans flag. None of them care for a second that there likely aren't even dozens of the general population of Gaza who wouldn't actively or passively throw a gay person off a roof and stone them to death.

Hozier rambled, for an uncomfortable amount of time, about civil rights and America's impact in the 50s on Northern Ireland. He literally went through and thanked almost 50 people involved with the production of his show. He introduced each of his individual band members, 8 or 9 of them, twice. With the rain delay, the show was already running late, but now having these drawn out wholly unnecessary and blissfully heartfelt ignorant digressions between the last 2 songs, it's 11 PM and change before you start the zombie walk back to the parking lot. I fucked up and didn't cut out a little early to avoid congestion, and spent an hour huffing fumes.

A particularly discourteous vehicle in that parking lot triggered the extra aggravation. We could zipper, but no, you're gonna block, and then sit blocking for an hour, just because. Cool, fuck you. Then it's the 1.5 hour drive home, now 12:15 hitting actual streets. I had that big breakfast, but didn't eat the rest of the day. I find an exit with what look like open fast food spots. McDonald's? Giant line of cars not moving. Leave and drive to Steak N' Shake? Always appearing open, never going back to 24 hours. Back to McDonald's? The lines have moved, but I'm there 2 minutes after they close, and get sandwiched between vehicles. The vehicles take 8 minutes before they move enough for me to get the fuck out. I load up on junk from a nearby gas station and make it the rest of the way home.

I've been waking up tired for the last couple weeks. I'm sleeping and waking up without an alarm, but for whatever reason the energy levels and focus aren't there. I put on an English documentary about The U.S. during the pandemic. Stories of people losing jobs, getting evicted, and selling what little they have to feed debtors and landlords. These juxtaposed with oil tycoons and bigger business owners talking about how Trump will save the country as they show off their luxury cars. The old white landlords with guns on their hip and expensive purses offer ignorantly pithy statements about needing their money.

Invariably, there's charity programs and food banks that barely alleviate the burdens, for a month or so, maybe, of less than half of any amount of people who attempt to utilize them. I then catch a news demonstration asking people to distribute pie to plates indicating income classes. Everyone gets it miserably wrong, somehow.

I'm also on probably hour 50 of watching Peter Boghossian interviews with often conservative or right-leaning people. His less radicalized guests often speak to observing people on the Left as believing they are acting genuinely compassionately when they advocate for inclusion, diversity, equity, "innocent civilians," etc. They shut down debate, wish to control and compel speech, form cancelling lynch mobs, and care absolutely nothing about data, history, or what it takes to form and defend a rational idea…but their heart is in the right place, history is on their side, and anyone who doesn't conform is invariably evidence of the abusive and unfair expression of corrupt institutional power.

Themes keep emerging. I can't understand why enough people can't recognize the themes and decide to change how they behave in any way.

I do think people's goodwill and compassion or empathy systems get hijacked. You shouldn't be donating bandaids to the cancer that is your economic incentive system. Your desire to "help" is pathetically useless in the face of greed.

Housing prices only go up and up. Rent is astronomical. You'll spend more than 50% of your income just keeping a roof over your head before pretending you can afford health insurance or healthy food. The documentary had people making $100,000 a year lose their job and be on the verge of collapse overnight.

You have so much energy to repeat things you've been told and platform the ideas you think are best, but absolutely none for ensuring they are correct and robust and meaningfully consequential over time. Waving a fucking pride flag at a concert saves no one, and then in your next breath telling your crowd that Palestinian civilians are just like them does active harm.

It is insane to me how much of life has turned into a survival game. Deliberately first, and then our psychological and social systems said, "Are we being hijacked? Cool! Let's continue to operate exactly as we do with demonstrably worse information!"

I had someone reach out to me about renting-to-own part of the land. Is there a part of me that would just love to collect rent indefinitely? Yes, but not from someone who also needs to live in a shed in cousin-fuck Indiana. Do I want to give up any amount of an asset I've fought tooth and nail to acquire? Not even a little. In some of our conversation, I'm learning she has no idea what it would take to get properly set up. It's certainly not anymore of an idea than I had, so almost immediately I'm talking too much and asking questions she can't answer.

We have millions like her who need to or should have made a shift like I did. They don't know anything. They don't have the time or inclination to learn. They cross their fingers and throw themselves into a different story about what they think their life could be. Other poor-enough people, like me, then feel obligated to fill in gaps as though their own lives aren't constituted of considerably more sand than bedrock. We stopped the whole world for a year and couldn't find the time or inclination to sort out our core issues.

All of this mess and depravity speaks to why I try to operate the way I do. I want to be as close as I can to my cats. Fed every day, have a place to shit, have my human equivalent of getting scratches, and mostly otherwise asleep. Let me see how long I can work for functionally "free." Let me flow with the day and maybe I'll stumble upon a garbage bag feast or kill a lesser mammal for gluttonous fun.

I'm "eager" to see "every" show because I have zero confidence I can keep this up for any longer than I manage to. We're at 2.5 years of spending less than I've spent to keep vehicles running against 20 years of working 25 different terribly-paying jobs, paying rent, or pissing away money on a useless degree, "coverages" that cover nothing, or service fees and emergencies. All of the baggage and habits and excuses I've made to "function" in those systems are still screaming at me every day. I think we're wholly deaf as a society.

I still don't see it getting better. I see people getting more pinched, more exhausted, more "too busy" to learn or do anything besides claw out a desperate vacation here and there or engage in overly-sentimentalizing the drama within their families. We may be barreling right back into the wanna-be fascism of another Trump absurdity extravaganza. We talk ourselves in circles and out of the real accountability and work. From my view, what's the fucking point of fighting for, advocating, and trying to do anything that doesn't tear at the fabric of that miserable self-stalling yet perpetuating reality?