Fire's still burning. This is becoming a mini habit waking up and writing to start my day.
I had a session with one of my clients from Groups who rejoined me. Obviously not speaking to specifics, but they launched into the pattern I've been seeing with regard to the "professionals" I've been attempting to hire. In recovery, there's any point along the way you might think you've done "enough" or "deserve" to indulge here and there. It's all relapsing. It's all excuse-making. It's all distancing yourself from taking responsibility and building that larger context of consequences.
I just fielded an email from one of the potential hires who claimed to have sent me an email (you know, that thing we can immediately search our inboxes for) that she didn't. She put the idea out there that it's not "best practices" to be submitting for grants or asking for donations. She said we're at "the very beginning" and didn't have "enough on paper." Now, she's one person of 8 or so that I've got writing grants, fundraising, or who've had a look under the hood. None of them have said what she's said, and if they had questions regarding what stage we're in, they asked them, I sent along the info, or they told us how to procure and dress it up.
Financial statements, for example, given that I haven't paid myself or anyone else anything, exist, as a series of zeroes. I can find and .pdf that form if you need. "Data" on who we've helped when it's a handful of people over the last few years as we've worked full-time jobs is not going to be a robust sales tool. Do you want me to convert and tell you my caseload numbers at those jobs? That then sounds like we're cross-pollinating inappropriate things. If both the federal and state government say we're a nonprofit and have all the rights and responsibilities associated with that status, I'm hard pressed to entertain your distance-excuse-making email on its face.
I'm happy to report that I'm less discouraged, reactive, and defensive about that stuff with each instance, but it's so telling and often just exhausting enough to need pointing out. To my client's credit, as they decided to go into more detail regarding complaints at previous methadone clinics they utilized and the clientele they were interacting with, they were receptive when I pointed out the complaints were a 1 to 1 parallel. If someone comes to you and behaves poorly and then blithely says, "Well, you know, I'm an addict!" and it's like a cheeky sitcom throwaway excuse, we can all see pretty clearly why that doesn't hold water. If you say, "Well, you know, I was never as bad as xyz…and have been clean for 5 years!" You're doing the same thing.
So it goes if we're not talking addiction or crisis situations. If your impulse is, "Well, YOU did that and didn't do that" and not, "My perception is this or that and here's my contribution to resolve or fix it" you're not talking about anything. You're not helping. You're not being honest about where you're coming from. You're doing a dance. Don't lay my ignorance or start-up struggles at the feet of "best practices." If you presume to be the holder of those keys, unlock a piece of knowledge for me or I don't trust you actually know what you're talking about. It's a subtle and feeble-minded attempt to retain or grasp power you don't otherwise feel you have.
Again I can only contrast this behavior with my own life. When I have resources, power, options, or knowledge, I try to share it and make it freely available. I commit to the work it's going to take to do so. Even something as silly and easy as sharing music. I told my dad I'd populate his old phone with all of his music so he could break the bonds of shitty radio. It took me over a week, hours a day, to get it all downloaded and organized. I didn't say, "You know, just buy Spotify Premium. I anticipated you having shittier music tastes with less prolific bands, and this is taking sooooo loooong." The project doubled my overall music inventory, which I've been building for 20 years.
It's occurring to me that this is a pretty precise means of accounting for how burnout exists in this field. How emotionally and "spiritually" exhausting it can be to field an endless waterfall of people's excuses. It's almost worse when it's people who occupy a higher financial or credential class because you think to yourself that person must be cynically indulging. If you grew up dumb, broke, or just generally inculcated in a culture of "ratchet" shit, okay, that's less on you. If you have the time, money, or access to be carrying on like you're above the hoi polloi with regard to your field or experience and then you're anything less than gracious and patient and eager to contribute? Yeah, I can't entertain that level of selfish insecurity.
If we're ever to understand "class warfare," we have to grasp that Warren Buffet's son sent $500 million directly to Ukraine, and in contrast, Warren Buffett signed a pledge that he'd donate his money when he dies. I'm not going to pretend I have an intimate understanding of either man and their or efforts/reasoning or financial games. What I will suggest is that Warren Buffet has $500 million dollars, and the headline addressing intervention in a potentially world-destabilizing conflict wasn't about him or the European countries who contributed less.
There's people who are looking for the things they can best do to help. There will always be a fire, conflict, missing piece or reasonable and compelling situation that you might be drawn to influence. Then, there's the rest of people who are playing along, looking for every reason to escape any responsibility, and who wish to build bubbles and blame. Rich or poor. Ph.D. or GED. Young or old.
To the idea that anyone who proves themselves willing to engage in that behavior wishes to suggest to me what "best practices" are is laughable if it didn't hurt so much to think about and experience sometimes. Do they even know what they're doing? I can't believe so if I'm going to be bothered to "forgive" or confidently continue to navigate their input. I have to check my impulse to bargain with the universe in questions like, "Why can't they just tell me they don't want to work with me without all the extra judgment, condescension, and inevitable "good luck" sentiment?" The fact that they defaulted to that tells me everything I need to know. They weren't the one speaking. They don't have accountability built in. I don't want to work with them regardless of what they'd pretend to be contributing.
I've learned that all you need is specifics. You ask someone for specifics, their whole world blows up. Detailed understandings, accounting, or effort is the kryptonite for the excuses, defensiveness, and empty judgment. Ask a politician to define anything, you get the broad feel-good catch-all qualified language. Your average person is a shitty politician. They use the cliches afforded to them. They're not used to being punished or pressed. They will demand you go away, leave them alone, stop talking or engage in, "I know you are, but what am I." You'd think with my knowledge of this I'd be able to better weaponize or utilize it. I'm not blindly stepping into it when I double-down on the shitty email and illicit the obvious response, but I'm not helping myself by doubling-down ever. That's something to move on from and improve on.
I can't keep your ego fluffed about the work you haven't shown me. I can't play the pleasantry game when I've invested money and you're mostly committed to your feelings. I have to prevent my "desperation" at the idea of not finding anyone worthwhile translate into retaliatory or antagonistic pissing matches with those people. The more vigilant and less hopeful I can be that anyone I'm working with is actually worth a damn is how I'll get through these interactions. But that just sucks lol, right? It sucks that people suck, and are liars, and children, and might spend their whole life crashing into and throwing mud at the things you're building.
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