Why is "day" in quotes? It's 4:39 PM. I've been out of bed approximately 15 minutes. I haven't been precisely asleep all day, but finding the reasons or motivation to leave my bed were not forthcoming. It's been that way, off and on, since the middle of October.
Having developed the habit of "just get the ticket," even though I left my job, I didn't precisely cease spending money. I left before I paid off debt. I left, not precisely in a reactionary way, but I couldn't ignore the consequences their behavior was having on my disposition and willingness to choose shittier ways of expressing myself.
Practically, while if I kept the job, I could still reasonably say something like, "I'm only 5.66 months of paychecks in debt," now, for that to remain true, I'm staring down sitting in my car in service to Grub Hub or Door Dash all day until I hit $100.
I want to make sure I'm very clear about one thing. I don't regret any show I've been to. I don't regret any instrument or tool I have. Whether I was $5,000 or $50,000 in debt, if, as modern reporting indicates to me, we're all in debt, I feel, hopefully not "delusionally" good, that mine is in service to creative options, hobbies, and things that don't aggravate anxiety or anger. I don't dread the 1 to 12 hour round-trip drives to the venues. I'm not cursing myself for standing in the cold before the show. I don't look at my band T-shirts and go, "You fucking idiot!"
If our system means practically inevitable debt to live a remote semblance of a "middle class" lifestyle, if this be my lot, so be it. My house is literally a series of combined sheds. I drive very old cars. I have no children. I have no mortgage. I have no health insurance. I have the opportunity to have as much fun with my fleeting youth as possible before I either get sick, some new tragedy befalls the world, or I proverbially break and tame my spirit to work indefinitely in service to something I hate, is "beneath me," or "poisons my soul."
You should know, I do attempt to think creatively about how to work in a field or on something that doesn't fill me with unyielding drad. I think maybe I write a bunch of letters to creators and artists I admire and see if they have some kind of position I could occupy. I mean it when I say I don't need much. Even a relatively small Youtube channel who is getting sponsored might stand to need an assistant, right? Maybe I do the same thing with different bands I like. With 2 thoughts around 1 idea, I've opened up hundreds of letters or emails to send.
What do I say then?
"Hey! I like what you do a ton. I respect [x y and z] and [such and such] has meant a lot to me because of my [personal anecdote]. I'm wondering if there's any spot I might fit to help out? I mean as a job, in any way, big or small. I want to see you succeed and concurrently learn more about how you do what you do. I'm [all the ways I'm amazing, but humble.] I've had every kind of job from scrubbing toilets as a generalized social worker to working for The Department of Child Services investigating crisis situations and resolving gigantic interpersonal logistic problems.
I currently live in the middle of nowhere Indiana and have wide open availability. I'll be real with you, I'm sending some version of this out to well over 100 artists, bands, or creatives that I admire, but will never simply ignore or not respond to anyone that hits me back. I genuinely wish to change the direction of my life by plugging into the work of creating more than coping, and there's so many worthwhile operations in effect I have to believe deserve what I can bring more than my past work environments.
And just as a show of good faith, if you have some task you'd like me to work out to prove my timeliness, communication, or sincerity, please send it along. I'm a complete stranger reaching out from the abyss. I suspect we'd both prefer my work speak for itself."
Think that works?
In the meantime, I'm still waiting to hear whether or not the non-profit gets its tax-exempt status. I believe one or two more grants have been submitted or are pending submission once we get the letter. I still can't find a replacement therapist for supervision and billing. I have an appointment Tuesday with a new client. And I've made $58 from Grub Hub, $20 of which I spent almost immediately the same day. I put in 6-12 applications depending on how explicitly fake you wish to consider some of the listings. I have a 16-day streak of reading at least 1 article each day, 23-days of reading at least a chapter, 17-days of doing squats, and 11-days of practicing an instrument for at least 30 minutes.
I started the habit-tracking in October. They say it takes 3 months to develop a habit. Just because you theoretically can do something "more" than you are, that's not the task or point. The point is the consistency and overcoming the resistance to introducing a new behavior. The closer I've paid attention to this distinction, the easier it's been to "feel right" in engaging the practices. I've finished 12 books, done 1,100 squats, read 110 articles, and played for 44 hours that I promise I wouldn't have otherwise without this app and setting the bar so low.
One of the things that persuaded me to quit my job was an ongoing reminder to myself that there's "infinite work." There are thousands and thousands of people within driving distance who have work to do, work they may or may not even be good at, and work they would be just as if not more likely than me to pay someone to do, if they knew how to find that person. Statistically, if you put yourself out there long enough, you will land somewhere. I cannot trap myself into thinking I "have to" work some menial miserable job always playing catch-up to debt. It's just irrational and wrong. It can just be hard to be your own cheerleader, especially when you spend 99% of your time alone with cats.
I suppose I need to pull up a spreadsheet and get to tracking down the contact information of people I admire. If I can get reading, practicing, eating, and shitting out of the way first I'll have that much less ADHD distractions that feel like conflicting "should do" things. It's now 5:26 PM. I think I've started this day fairly productively.
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