If there's a better time to try and buckle down to do almost nothing but work, it's winter. While I am getting a certain satisfaction in building on reading and playing consistently, I'm not a fool and completely unwilling to acknowledge the debt I would prefer not to be in. I knew I was disrupting an incredibly comfortable applecart in leaving Groups, and I'm almost certain I'm going to despite just as deeply whatever I do next as I've ever done. I continue to wrestle with that, as peace will never be made.
Bear in mind, my whole life gets incredibly simple if I get a grant, let alone 2 grants. I, fundamentally, don't need a lot of money to be comfortable. That's the overarching point I hope really sinks in, both to anyone reading, and my own psyche. I'm not in debt with a mortgage, car payment, kids, or with even $500 let alone $1,000 or more due every month in service to my bills or credit card payments.
I can still seek and work with customers in service to my company, which is arguably at "side-hustle" level indefinitely, but still technically viable and paying me peanuts occasionally. I'm discontented overall though because every time I think about my company, I'm reminded of the stupid people and stupid variables, beyond my control, that fuck me for reasons they refuse to explicate. I am livid regarding the therapist situation. I'm prepared to get obsessive and spend-happy to sue for damages with the last insurance empaneling company if the refund, due in the next few days, doesn't come.
I browse articles online that show the forever-increasing income inequality and moves the sinfully-rich are making to amass even more. It's exhausting and debilitating. Anyone who pretends they aren't functionally rotting away slaving under this system is delusional. They've likely adopted a slave ethic and sense of faux duty or obligation, side-stepping the real personal responsibility to honestly assess their situation and figure out who or what to fight. I don't really know what to do beyond bemoan the situation as well, so who can blame them?
My life gets so simple when I'm able to, even briefly, find the focus to just play my guitar or get lost in a comic book. All I really I want to do anymore is pretty much within arm's reach. This is why I would be contented with a "mindless" job doing "data entry" for "minimum wage." I have to speak in quotes because nothing is real or means what it's supposed to mean. It's another exhausting mental hoop to navigate.
Why even write this? It's nothing new or interesting. I'm just trying to gear up for another headfirst charge into a wall. I'm trying to find the sanity that struggles to maintain in the face of all my insane, desperate, or "fuck it" behaviors.
While it's true there's an infinite amount of work, it's considerably less likely you'll find that work meaningful, impactful, worthy of your time, accountable, or paying you reasonably. We're led to believe there's some form of "noble competition" in our clamoring to survive amidst the overwhelming opportunities to indulge. It's all lies and incredibly stupid. It's all an effort to stay distracted. It has me floundering with, "The system is fucked, maaaaan" vagaries because I have run out of ways to describe it.
I need to read, head into town, eat, kill time, and see a show tonight. I need to see if I can actually get paid to deliver food again. I need to put in more waste-of-time applications to mostly-fake job listings. I need to practice my guitar "extra" because I decided to go to sleep early and wake up to conduct a more-normal daylight hour existence today. I need to acknowledge and incorporate what would otherwise be overwhelming anger I can feel swelling up at the absurdity of my circumstances. Appreciation practice doesn't obfuscate or erase the practical hells.
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