[1068] Give Me Therapy

I just got this flourish of inspiration to write.

I think about this date I went on a fair amount. I'm not a dater, so that was my first mistake. It was with this tiny therapist, a little older than me. She was partnered, had a kid, and was every ounce of a "theater kid" type energy. It wasn't a "bad" time, but she said something about being in therapy in a way that struck me. She said she believes everyone needs to be in therapy. She said it with an air of self-assuredness if not pretention.

What I imagined was a battle between her ego and insecurity playing out in the conversation we were having. There's this thing about being in a "counselor" or "therapist" role where you might struggle to "turn off" being in observer mode. By occupying so much time in an advisory capacity, you may start to get the impression that pretty much everything you say is "good" or "better" or "helpful" when you're situated against people who have meaningful differences or deficits in their processing or organizing.

Had she merely "just said" it, I could agree with the general sentiment. I don't think that by dawning a therapist or engaging in talking or writing will fix anything by themselves. If you have a genuinely helpful, intuitive, accountable and informed exchange, you might arrive at insight, but the impetus to put that insight to work or the ability to raise your wisdom quotient are entirely different animals. I say this because of how reactively hostile she was to my challenge that, by default, no one is "objective."

Her narrative about how she operates or what she's achieved through therapy was threatened. This appeared to cause her to hear my challenge as something like, "Truth is relative." She maybe thought I was criticizing the very idea of seeking a broad view trying to as objectively-as-possible contextualize your life and how you describe it. She might have felt that I was dismissing the difference between those who engage in some form of therapeutic feedback process, and those who ignorantly and confidently espouse entitled animalistic fascism. And she might have felt all of this in an instant when her taken-for-granted authority was checked.

I, obviously, also talk to people for a living, believe I not only gain from the exchange, but have seen people grow and improve themselves through a structured examination and accounting for their experience. I think we all need, as individuals, a strong sense of what that even means. I think you can get there through many ways. I prefer self-reflective writing. Even my closest relationships don't really understand how I operate, so if I don't find the words, argument, or reason to de-clench my jaw, your - perhaps not even as well-read as me - PH.D. or laughable lesser degree isn't going to save me.

Does that impact my ability to counsel effectively? Does that mean I can't maintain a sense of stability or order in my life? Does that provoke you to look for what my diagnosis *should be* were it not for my denial-ridden intransigence? We should always return to the fundamentals. What is the goal? Is it reasonable? Are you building an evidence bank of your effort and accomplishments? Are you finding yourself maintaining or gaining more control over the areas of your life that you want to?

We have to remember, there is no "normal." You could throw literally every single person under some label if you so chose. Most of us unconsciously strive for a semblance of "normal" regardless. We get media feedback, cultural pressure, biological clock knocks, and colloquial lore that passes itself off as timeless wisdom and step-by-step instructions to a Good Life. It's as much a cliche the story of the wine-drinking desperate housewife, the single-mom doing the best she can, and the overworked and underpaid provider whose story of the pride they take in doing so struggles against depression and anxiety.

We're all processes. Everything is in flux, and you plug into the ride, or you disingenuously anchor too long. You react and lash out when the faux-confidence in your status gets threatened. You remain dejected and hopeless when you pretend there isn't another call to make, email to send, step to walk, or question to ask. You look for things to confirm what you already know or stay "comfortable" instead of challenged to push, learn, or evolve.

Several times in my life I've had exceptionally comfortable financial circumstances. I've disrupted them every time. Not through self-destruction and waste, but through exploration and a deep persistent nagging that I am never allowed to remain on some perch. I want the wisdom and work to drive how I structure business, my day-to-day life, and approach to engaging or inviting others into a therapeutic process. I think I have a really good understanding of what "healthy" verses "pathological" looks like because I've been observing in myself what works or doesn't in an ongoing way.

This speaks to my general grievance about feeling fairly alone in getting or pursuing things others profess to want. It's always me that has to get "lucky" or make the extra effort or provide the clarifying and specifying note. It's a responsibility I voluntarily accept, but it's shocking when it feels like I'm the only one aware of how to do so. It's upsetting really. If I wasn't on the call yesterday to get username and password stuff sorted out for the 6th time, what took 50 minutes likely wouldn't have been fixed at all. It's easy to see how leader-types can get caught trying to do everything for everyone all the time.

That's, also, not leadership. Leadership is recognizing the gaps in someone else's knowledge and providing a way that they can plug them in. You don't let your insecurity, frustration, or incomplete judgment of them prevent you from allowing them to fail forward and learn like you have. I had to translate what I thought a philosopher meant and apply it to my life. No one just told me "the right way" and I snapped into focus and followed. I live and feel the reality and difference in being skeptical and open to change verses the miserable gripe-ridden excessive boundary imposing child who thought he knew everything.

I need questions. I need speculation and experimentation. I need to feel growth and potential and reasonable exchange. These aren't optional. These aren't things that just naturally follow once your paycheck hits a certain point. These aren't things that even your "best friend" is interested in recognizing, protecting, or cultivating with you. I would rather be broke with a strong impression of the routes I can explore than loaded and dead inside after beating the drum of company propaganda and saying the same thing to closed minds a thousand times.

There is always something new to explore. There is always a challenge to rise to. Whether or not you or I can articulate it perfectly, I have a nose for sniffing out when your professions betray your posture. It's trained on my own disposition, achievements, and accountability of the moment. Whether I'm inspired, dispirited, or superficially contradictory and confused. Mine is not a naive and empty hope. I just have my awareness of how I feel in behaving and speaking in one way verses another. Then I do the work. Then I look for the wisdom to be reflected back in your words and your examples. That's also why I think we're fucked lol.