[1062] Anxious

It's in precise moments like these that I reach "peak anxiety." On a scale of 1 - 10 on what people have described as their levels of anxiety, what I've been personally witness to, and what I've felt over a lifetime, it's a 2. It will subside throughout the day and as my mind wanders. I'm not forgetting to breathe, unclench my jaw, or stretch. The only real reason I'm calling it anxiety is because I don't know if there's a better word, and it has consequences when it arrives.

I get "stuck." My stomach feels butterfly-y. I get one thought after another of the different things calling for my attention that all "feel" just a step or two removed from what I think I can address. This morning it was notes, practicing my new electronic drums, addressing a flat tire I noticed on my truck (that I haven't driven in a couple weeks making it all the more frustrating), addressing my out headlight on the Scion, the hopeless thoughts about running $5 groups when in my heart of hearts I know in spite of endless positive feedback, people want their fix, not to actually fix things, so without a provider on board or threat of prison I doubt we attract what we need, and then I have a few more toys and game systems around I haven't unpacked or set up yet.

Instantly, each catastrophizing/paralyzing thought washes over in a round, and the feedback is "can't" or "not now" or "exhausting" or "frustrating" or "expensive" or "time intensive" or "you could eat instead" or some move to try and side-step from engaging the process that actually relieves the anxiety. Incidentally, I got into a chat with Pat Patterson who's debilitatingly ill at the same time. We wish each other Happy Friday every week, and forgot to yesterday. He's knocked out on drugs, I just forgot. He couldn't move like I can if he wanted to. I took a second to let that sink in, and found myself beginning to address notes, which are now done.

I'm not unduly "entitled" in discussing my 2-level anxiety or paralysis. I'm not willing to downplay how it manifests and plays out in my head and the impact it has on my behavior. I don't need medication for it. I'm not coping with it by compulsively eating or spending, even if that can be sometimes hard to distinguish no matter how long I wait to buy something or resolve myself to keep working to keep debt within 6 months of paying off. The paragraph above this one is the work I'm attempting to get my clients to get into when they're stuck. When they're sad, angry, hopeless, exhausted, or triggered emotionally in any way, you acknowledge the feelings, identify the thoughts, describe your behavior, and look for a very small and specific thing you can do to redirect your energy pattern. I got into a small discussion that prompted reflection, this time. I normally just start writing until I feel I can get up, another kind of discussion, but there's rarely anyone there to talk to.

Getting the notes done makes me want to take the tire off the truck. I have a solid amount of time before I need to head back to Indianapolis for my final show of the weekend, and there's nothing stopping me from taking little bites out of a few more chore things today. The weather is nice. I'm awake and healthy. It is simply the case that, even if we're given all the time, tools, and ability there is, we will still be struck by the irrational ambivalent and conditional forces of being a conscious animal. I can do something about that any moment I choose to. You can too.