Goddammit.
I was all set to just play Spider-Man for the next few hours. What did I do instead? I had a 45 minute conversation about what my words “feel” like.
I started moonlighting as a sales guy for a book publishing company. All of my general intrigue, charm, and practice makes for a pretty fluid transition from traumatizing environments to all the happy thoughts and motivation for getting your baby published.
Wait, I'm sorry, did I say I was a sales guy? What I meant was, I've taken 7 or 8 calls, at almost random, been told 3 to 15 different things about what I'm to focus on or say, and didn't get paid last week. I've otherwise kept to myself, sitting in on “training” calls consisting of painfully obvious questions asked and answered by people with messy kinds of confidence.
Did you know that you just are supposed to sit pretty, keep the faith, and stay tight-lipped when you're not paid, not given anything to do, and no one feels bothered to call or talk to you for a week and a half, and then it's at 7:45 PM when they do? I haven't told you my sin yet. I told another new hire to get her stuff in writing and that I'm not completely sure the time-management and expectations are where they need to be. I'll quote it below.
“Hey [new hire]. So, as perhaps the newest person here besides you, I don't what to give you the impression I have a particularly informed view of the onboarding or scope of the things I know [owner] is attempting to address. What I do think you might be able to work with is the facts given our last team meeting. Last week, for example, I didn't get paid. I'm not saying I had a whole lot to do, but I was also hired on with the expectation that I'd be making phone calls to prospective clients and/or eliciting people for the anthology, for which I've been waiting 2 weeks for approved copy. If there are internal tools they wish to use/upgrade for managing client flow, I don't have the logins. It's unclear to me that either [owner] or [my boss?] has the time for the clients I have on the wings who either want to get published, or who [owner] might wish to partner with.
I would just make sure to get a very deliberate and very in-writing formulation of what your responsibilities/hours are going to be. I was up until 2 AM taking a call for a South African client starting her day at 8. I wasn't hired on to be contracted on a per call or close basis, and I've otherwise been asked to focus on calls that aren't forthcoming verses tend to anything that speaks to perhaps why I'm not getting paid, a high-ticket client found someone else to do part of her project, or why an all-star copywriter is criticizing our ability to communicate. I've gotten pretty quickly worried there's a lot of goodwill and effort, but little consequential action/response or specific communication.”
Ouch, right? I didn't sound super cheerful and supportive. I didn't fish for concerns related to the company, they literally offered them via a screenshot and hour-long digression where the move to make excuses to accuse a doctor of being impatient came almost immediately. The things that made them lose money on a project they were all “rah rah we're gonna upsell!” and a person who I've been told several times is a go-to to either contract or do several more books with are speaking exactly to the problems I've been raising since I got here. And, did you catch the part where I didn't get paid?
My message felt like it was attempting to undermine their efforts. Am I naïve to the idea of how it would come across that way? Of course not. Was that what I was attempting to do? Of course not. But, these are people. Worse, these are younger-than-me people whose feelings are incredibly sensitive to criticism or doubt. I've stepped into a shit storm.
On my 45 minute call, I mentioned that during our last team meeting, frustration was expressed for the idea that someone like me or the new hire would be getting paid when the “core team” has been “sprinting” and doing all sorts of “extra” work in service to a couple higher-ticket clients. Wouldn't you know it? I've brought this up to the owner and offered, no less than 7 times, to work very piecemeal or for a fleetingly small amount of money to ensure his people were getting and staying paid. I offer this because I believe in the people and the company. I offer this because it is my privilege from organizing my life the way I have. What did the owner want when I told him this? Names. They should be coming to him with their concerns!
Nowhere during this call was I told they'd get me paid. Nowhere on this call was a commitment to dates or times in which I'd be completing these calls. What if I scared this new hire away and cost the company money? What if I had sent a message like that to one of the more testy or aggrieved employees? What if I sent something like it to a huge dollar amount client! I got the impression my concerns and message were met with the most putrid and puerile insecurity that plagues everyone who is coming from an insincere and incredulous place.
One of the things I do to take the fire out of people's feelings, especially while they still feel obligated to “professionally” exchange with me, is just ask questions. Do you think it's reasonable to be concerned I didn't get paid and you wrenched my budget? Do you understand the inclination to want to help the new hire when she expressed concern the team might not be getting paid correctly at the last meeting? Is it unreasonable for me to reclaim my time in service to my other projects when you haven't prepared the calls, scripts, or copy you'd like me to work within?
Bear in mind, I've had a half dozen conversations about the things, save the not getting paid as that was new, with my boss, the owner, and the entire team, all of whom have said they are enjoying my “fresh eyes” speaking very deliberately to the things they've been complaining about. If we're keeping score, everyone not mid-panic-attack or on the verge of tears is cheering me on, at least in private, and the owner is seriously having to consider just how I can fit or focus and be “all in” in spite of the wave I drove through with the message. He knows I want to help, but dammit, that help needs to be in the form of loyalty, not honesty, especially honesty phrased like I phrase things.
I'll take this moment to remind you I'm tuned for picking up word choices and signaling. I know the difference between accountability language and excuse making. I know a tone that's actually feeling better and resolved, and one itching to go tit-for-tat if I slip up and say too much after asking a forgone conclusion and leading question. I heard “throw-away” shots at accountability. The exact same style that's been dragging me through this process all along. “I've been meaning to! We gotta get you on the schedule! We were gonna take care of that weeks ago! That makes sense! I totally hear where you're coming from! Your input is spot on!”... K.
I can admit that I'm mildly aggrieved I didn't get paid and got sick of empty platitudes. More importantly, nothing I said was untrue. Pissed or not, I want to be relaying my feelings and thoughts honestly. If I create an organization that operates like this, particularly because I'm dealing with a population who doesn't need anymore crises imposed upon them, I'd be changing how I operated, quickly. There is a big difference between asking for grace or room to breathe and learn, and neglecting what you're responsible for. Your employees should know what to do each day and you should be paying them. This shouldn't be hard 12 years in.
What seems lost on this work environment is that there's a push to “grow” and court significantly higher dollar amount people. Will they manage to ensnare a few and hobble along? Especially with me on the first phone call, absolutely. Will I feel good about what I'm doing and worry about tarnishing my name or reputation when it goes wrong? Blame it on my big head if you want, but I don't want to be a liar. I don't want my skills and good name to get fucked with, no matter the industry. You know how you make or retain a lot of money if you're not a wholly-protected trust-fund-esc person? You maintain habits of communication, efficiency, and clarity like I demand. If I was this company's client right now, I don't know what's expected of me, I have nothing to work with, I didn't get paid, and no one reached out for a week and a half.
Tomorrow, I get to run circles around another person in leadership. I'm slipping back into “because I can” feelings. I have the conversation instinctively mapped out; the points of contrition, the questions I'll ask, the deference to pay, and the wholly apologetic for being so naïve and panicked that I was just so dumb to have over-stepped in my concern for the new person. I'll get a little stern and off-putting when I move to defend my values and make sure the conversation ends in a draw. I'm gonna open incredibly friendly and welcoming and mention how great the conversation with the owner went. I may or may not pick a moment to meander for a bit to kind of twist up any tension or awkwardness after a choice comment. I'm just chugging along my engineered fall and redemption arc provoked by demonstrated incompetence. It's gonna be wild.
Rest assured, I'm not going to do anything to cost the company money. I genuinely like the people and wish them all the best. But I need to find a way to enjoy this embarrassing and disrespectful ride so I don't end up causing more harm than good. So, I'm going to do to them what they're so eager, but can't seem to be bothered, to utilize me for. You gotta respect what I'm saying and bringing, or be subject to it. I don't make the rules.
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