[844] Give A Little Bit

I don't know that there's anything really on my mind, so I don't expect you to follow along. I've just read a few old blogs written a few years a part. I still occupy the vast majority of the space in which they were written. You might call this consistency or obsession.

I guess I'm in a good place? I have tangible, affordable, physical goals. I can go outside and dig holes to proper specifications and likely frame my home extension over my vacation. That's pretty cool. I have the money in the bank to pay for the parts and labor of my, hopefully drive-able now, moving truck. Also, way cool. I'm absolutely killing One Piece marathons, eating slightly better and saving a little money doing so. Despite all the craziness of the virus, I've remained healthy, I get paid hella bucks in mileage working from home, and it's been coming into focus the reality that, despite my “a paycheck is coming!” habit, I don't actually have to spend it all at once, and that “security” I've been pursuing to breath a little easier is here if I can stay out of the hardware store.

A lot of what has motivated me in life is based in anger. For the sake of brevity, I'll say I still “hate” everything, and wish to be in charge. I don't think people do enough in service to their language or purported morality. I don't think we're even remotely oriented towards a survivable and sustainable future, and I don't need to use out-dated Michael Moore statistics to think so. I think I want to use this likely brief period of “calm” in my disposition to own the future I continue to see coming. I'm forming tangible processes to build and replicate and hopefully get exponential. How does that money, time, and energy get directed?

I'm not that interested in digging in now, because the landscape is always changing. The plan can change with the rain. Maybe we get compounding disasters on top of what we're poorly holding ourselves accountable for already. Maybe an idea just no longer excites me. Who knows, in a way, I'm just along for the ride.

This has been a semi-compelled semi-pursued disposition shift. I'm so rarely a passenger. I plugged myself into a system that forces you to be one by design. I'm not trying to be deliberately ignorant or short about competence hierarchies or the fact I made it through school, but I tried incredibly hard to buck the trend of conforming to a narrative befitting my on-paper statistics or description. Those two things, the rigid and disingenuous structure of the State and my fairly unpredictable and excitable disposition, are still at odds, but maybe not violently so. I don't know if I feel particularly good about that, or if I've just found a psychologically protective hole to exist in until I can revolt and burn shit down.

I've got help. More importantly, I've got the kind of help I described several hundred blogs ago. I've got self-motivated, reflective, and accountable help who plugs holes in my knowledge and creates and pursues on her own behalf. It's pretty indescribable what can happen when you have help, so for me it's just going to look like a series of landscaping tasks for a while until the whole operation kind of speaks for itself.

I don't know man. I want a perpetual calm. We were talking the other day, and I said I still have strong images of people I've considered “cool,” and would think a ton about how to be like them when I was younger. Anymore, “cool” has transformed into a more measured approach towards what I think genuinely “nice” people might be like like a handful of athletes or celebrities that I jive with. Or maybe I just want to be “enthusiastic” towards something that isn't predicated on simple self-satisfaction.

I'm losing the thread though, like I said, I didn't think there was really anything on my mind.