I am a sexual assailant. I don't know who it was. I don't know what it was. My classification as a sexual assailant is the reason provided for why a, maybe friend again one day?, decided he should no longer be friends with me. I did attempt to learn who the person was, but he was tight lipped. I swore not to contact her, but no avail. If you ever want someone to protect your identity, this is the man to seek.
I figure I should go about this in two parts. There are things I absolutely know I've done. There are things I will absolutely never know. So, let's start with the things I've done.
I've fished boobs out of shirts. I've sent too-insistent invitations and messages to fool around. I've slapped a number of asses, girl and guy. I've let my hands get exploratory on topless tequila Thursday nights or with girls who've been quiet, but certainly were not telling me, “no.” I've awkwardly kissed (not like lunge with a tongue out). I've certainly been drunk enough with people where neither of us would pass the test of what constitutes “consent” as far as college advisers were concerned. As a teenager, I've definitely parked somewhere publicly “private” and eagerly tried to get sexual.
As an adult, working backwards, I could better understand a girl feeling trapped in a car scenario. Mind you, I wasn't picking girls up off the side of the road and was pursuing what was already a flirtation or previous mutual dalliance. I've recognized dozens of girls who were in no position to have sex, and then proceeded to not have sex with them or let anyone walk off with them. I'll do the thing where I draw letters on your arm or leg or peck at a cheek or neck, and I'm certainly comfortable stopping with considerably less than a desperate push or kick to keep me off of you. I've at least tried to follow up with girls who, on the off chance the night was less “fun,” and more “ewww,” if that was indeed the case, and been met with indifference, confusion I even remember that, or the assurance that things were in bounds. The guy who sends the texts, mindlessly hitting up every cute girl he's ever talked to while drunk, is just an asshole, but I struggle to think that rises to the level of assault. And when titties came out, it was usually right in the wake of having just hooked up, or a hook-up happened about 5 minutes later. You try to read the room.
I've had some form of sexual relationship or interaction with 50+ women, and certainly made advances or were tangentially entangling well over a hundred in the party exploits. There's a lot of room for potentially shit behavior to take place. I created those conditions. I allowed people to get drunk. I padded the hookah room so my friends could tumble around topless making out.
The most important thing, the extremely vitally important thing about every single one of my sexual or otherwise interactions is that they were not predatory.
I don't have that weak or insecure man thing that needs to control or dominate women. I've caught myself speaking over them, but I also think that's more a function of my loud and obnoxious social circle where we all kind of do that to each other. If I thought something was shady, I've followed up, or apologized. If something is brought to my attention, I'm willing to admit it, or talk about it, or do what it takes to try and make it better.
What else is there? The current situation is one I do not remember, with a person I was not given a name for. The act wasn't described. It clearly didn't click with me that whatever happened rose to the occasion to keep me up and move me to reach out at the time. So I'm supposed to do what?
I'm the best candidate you're ever going to get to accuse of something. Yes, I admit it. It's my fault, now what? For someone who's habituated feelings of being responsible for things, you might think this sounds kind of cheap. Well, do you really feel you did something wrong? Can you possibly understand the feelings of your victim? According to popular discourse, of course not. I'm the unfeeling, remorseless, constantly trying to justify his actions asshole, right? If you give me credit for being human, and if you concede my efforts in the past or my ability to regard self-respect and dignity fairly important in the pursuit of honesty, then while I probably won't be brought to tears about, likely drunk, behavior in the past, I'm not proud or condoning or wishing to end up making someone else feel harmed in the future.
I can understand wanting to remain anonymous. I can understand not wanting to revisit or hurt yourself with something you can't resolve. I can't understand the person who hears your story and then decides the person you're accusing should be defined by that moment. I don't know who else is willing to take notes on their own shitty behavior, list things nobody asked them for, and then asks you to direct them where to go from there. I'm not afraid of the shittiest things I've done. I'm under no illusions about the grand chasms between people's experiences of the same moment. But is this a situation that gets better? Or is there a fundamental default and persistent flaw in me that I'm just gearing up to hurt someone else with later? Can you admit to sexual assault in advance? I don't plan or mean to, but have you read about my sexual history? I clearly play it pretty fast and loose.
What I absolutely do not know, and can never know, is what it feels like to be a woman, or a drunk woman, or a girl at a party, or whether I'll ever achieve a level of acceptance of an apology or redemption with the person. I can't control my memory, or lack thereof, of the moment, which I'm not saying is an excuse, but as a person who has found himself literally unable to let go of anything he's found wrong in life, please believe the playback button for an obsessive mind isn't broken. The only reason I can write this without a fear-based adrenaline rush is because I was actually offered a conversation to pick out where this incident does or doesn't fit into whether we have a friendship going forward. I don't know if he'll get back to me. I don't know who else might read this and find me too far gone from their circle of giving a shit either.
I don't know what else there really is to say. With the #metoo movement we're now starting to see self-smug videos mocking the people who overstep in their claims against “entitled” or “awkward” men that don't mind read either. I still think everyone should lay their shit on the table and sort through it. I still think you know at the center of your being if you've done some fucked up shit in bad faith. And I also know that whatever you've done, if you're open, and listening, and willing to change, you don't have to walk around like every worst thing you've done is all that you are or will ever be.
I don't think you should treat your friends like that, and I don't think whether it's your son's murderer or sexual assailant that they will get you to a place to resolve your experience within yourself. It doesn't mean you're wrong, it doesn't mean you shouldn't speak up, it doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, and it doesn't mean you have to believe a word I've said, but it does mean it doesn't get better than this. I don't have an empire or career to crash, and I might literally not even remember the incident, but I'm a wide open target with a list of things you can throw in my face and beat me over the head with. Is that who you think I was when I was trying to have sex with you? Is that what you watched me do with your friend but were too scared to say anything? The floor is yours
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Anonymous friend: Hey! I just read your note on Facebook. I wasn’t tagged in my notifications but i received an email saying you had tagged me and I found it that way.
I don’t recall an instance where I have felt assaulted or victimized by you. For me, I was in those situations with you knowing whatever happened would happen and that was fine because I felt safe with you and believed I had the space to say no. But I can say I have been in situations with people I thought were friends who I didn’t feel like I could say no to, or who would try to talk me out of it so hard that I gave in just so I’d be left alone. There were also times where I vehemently said no, but not before someone shoved a penis inside me when I was sleeping after I had said no while awake (yes that happened and it really pisses me off). Another thing I want to say is that I think most if not all of us have been perpetrators in some way. I can recall a few moments where I tried to push the boundaries and pressure people into some kind of sexual act with me. For me those moments are few, and the person remained steadfast in their position so nothing happened, but looking back I see how problematic my behavior was. For me, what is telling is how we handle those moments as we reflect on them. We strive to do better. That being said, there are people I’ve cut out of my life as a result of someone’s story because I didn’t want to be associated with that person and/or was afraid I would become a victim too. But those were acquaintances. people who have been closest to me that I’ve cut out of my life have been the ones who assaulted me. I guess I’m saying all of this to say I’m sorry you may lose a friend over this, but your awareness and reflection, I think, is the most important part of moving forward
Me: I really appreciate you saying that. I think a big part of my approach in pursuing sex things was influenced by the huge amount of fucked up things we talked about that happened to you in high school. I find discussions like these important and practically sacred as far as understanding and maintaining friendships are concerned, and I really don't know what more there is to be done than lay it out there.
Anonymous friend: Ha nice way to describe my life. If only I could say that was all the terrible shit that happened. But yeah, I agree. It’s hard to do that, but I think it’s so important and for me is very telling about who you are as a person. I’ve tried to tell men when I believed they did something inappropriate, and they would just argue with me about it as if listening to how it made me feel or to consider how it may have made someone else uncomfortable is just impossible. You listen, think, reflect. Maybe push to hard for clarification in some moments (I know I’ve felt frustrated trying to explain things to you) but you try, which is more than what I’ve experienced with many others.
Me: I didn't mean to like, throw your life under the bus lol, I just mean in my old blogs railing about how girls are constantly being fucked with, it was a clear and present line of behavior that I wasn't down with. Being sexual or overtly comfortable with it is wildly different from being sexually predatory or forcing yourself on someone, in my mind, and so I've never had that difficult a time facing how I may have made someone feel or talking about something I've done. Usually, as long as someone is there to talk it out, things get "resolved" to as good a place as you can hope for.
Anonymous friend: Lol no worries. I’ve honestly forgotten a lot of it because it’s too hard to remember and have it sneak up on me, so I’ll trust that your word choice is appropriate.
I think the trouble is that it’s so hard for women to talk about it to the perpetrator when they feel victimized. When you’ve been hurt by someone, it’s hard to go to that person to voice that hurt. I think too that, at least some women, think about what they did to put themselves in that situation and if they had only done this thing differently it wouldn’t have been an issue. It’s really hard to unpack that stuff and not place blame, shame, guilt on yourself when really something happened to you not because of you
Me: I totally agree. I think as far as the guys, it's a pretty impossible to thing to try and deal with if you're not sure where the girl is coming from and "all road lead to rapist" kind of thing. That's not my concern personally, but the narrative is overwhelming one that seems devoid of subtlety and so even approaching the topic is going to scare a lot of people away from facing their impacts big or small. It's hard enough getting people to talk about the stress of their work or financial lives, let alone sex lives. And who's to say the friends you might lose as a result aren't significantly more important to your mental stability and happiness than you're willing to gamble with
Anonymous friend: Yeah. Life is complicated. Or rather we make it complicated by struggling with our feelings and effective communication to help navigate and overcome whatever is going on. You’ve still got me as a friend, though. I know it can be hard to think of that in the midst of losing someone else, but I’m still here
Me: I try to tell people as often as I can, I don't have 54 now, friends on here because I want to consider you guys accidents or incidental
It's conversations like these that I cherish and are a defining measure of why I think a friendship matters and is important to me.
Anonymous friend: Agreed. You’re one of the few people I can talk to after some odd span of time and it’s like our conversations pick up where we left off. There isn’t that awkward “hi how’ve you been?” thing that happens with other people
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Anonymous friend: Hey! I just read your note on Facebook. I wasn’t tagged in my notifications but i received an email saying you had tagged me and I found it that way.
I don’t recall an instance where I have felt assaulted or victimized by you. For me, I was in those situations with you knowing whatever happened would happen and that was fine because I felt safe with you and believed I had the space to say no. But I can say I have been in situations with people I thought were friends who I didn’t feel like I could say no to, or who would try to talk me out of it so hard that I gave in just so I’d be left alone. There were also times where I vehemently said no, but not before someone shoved a penis inside me when I was sleeping after I had said no while awake (yes that happened and it really pisses me off). Another thing I want to say is that I think most if not all of us have been perpetrators in some way. I can recall a few moments where I tried to push the boundaries and pressure people into some kind of sexual act with me. For me those moments are few, and the person remained steadfast in their position so nothing happened, but looking back I see how problematic my behavior was. For me, what is telling is how we handle those moments as we reflect on them. We strive to do better. That being said, there are people I’ve cut out of my life as a result of someone’s story because I didn’t want to be associated with that person and/or was afraid I would become a victim too. But those were acquaintances. people who have been closest to me that I’ve cut out of my life have been the ones who assaulted me. I guess I’m saying all of this to say I’m sorry you may lose a friend over this, but your awareness and reflection, I think, is the most important part of moving forward
Me: I really appreciate you saying that. I think a big part of my approach in pursuing sex things was influenced by the huge amount of fucked up things we talked about that happened to you in high school. I find discussions like these important and practically sacred as far as understanding and maintaining friendships are concerned, and I really don't know what more there is to be done than lay it out there.
Anonymous friend: Ha nice way to describe my life. If only I could say that was all the terrible shit that happened. But yeah, I agree. It’s hard to do that, but I think it’s so important and for me is very telling about who you are as a person. I’ve tried to tell men when I believed they did something inappropriate, and they would just argue with me about it as if listening to how it made me feel or to consider how it may have made someone else uncomfortable is just impossible. You listen, think, reflect. Maybe push to hard for clarification in some moments (I know I’ve felt frustrated trying to explain things to you) but you try, which is more than what I’ve experienced with many others.
Me: I didn't mean to like, throw your life under the bus lol, I just mean in my old blogs railing about how girls are constantly being fucked with, it was a clear and present line of behavior that I wasn't down with. Being sexual or overtly comfortable with it is wildly different from being sexually predatory or forcing yourself on someone, in my mind, and so I've never had that difficult a time facing how I may have made someone feel or talking about something I've done. Usually, as long as someone is there to talk it out, things get "resolved" to as good a place as you can hope for.
Anonymous friend: Lol no worries. I’ve honestly forgotten a lot of it because it’s too hard to remember and have it sneak up on me, so I’ll trust that your word choice is appropriate.
I think the trouble is that it’s so hard for women to talk about it to the perpetrator when they feel victimized. When you’ve been hurt by someone, it’s hard to go to that person to voice that hurt. I think too that, at least some women, think about what they did to put themselves in that situation and if they had only done this thing differently it wouldn’t have been an issue. It’s really hard to unpack that stuff and not place blame, shame, guilt on yourself when really something happened to you not because of you
Me: I totally agree. I think as far as the guys, it's a pretty impossible to thing to try and deal with if you're not sure where the girl is coming from and "all road lead to rapist" kind of thing. That's not my concern personally, but the narrative is overwhelming one that seems devoid of subtlety and so even approaching the topic is going to scare a lot of people away from facing their impacts big or small. It's hard enough getting people to talk about the stress of their work or financial lives, let alone sex lives. And who's to say the friends you might lose as a result aren't significantly more important to your mental stability and happiness than you're willing to gamble with
Anonymous friend: Yeah. Life is complicated. Or rather we make it complicated by struggling with our feelings and effective communication to help navigate and overcome whatever is going on. You’ve still got me as a friend, though. I know it can be hard to think of that in the midst of losing someone else, but I’m still here
Me: I try to tell people as often as I can, I don't have 54 now, friends on here because I want to consider you guys accidents or incidental
It's conversations like these that I cherish and are a defining measure of why I think a friendship matters and is important to me.
Anonymous friend: Agreed. You’re one of the few people I can talk to after some odd span of time and it’s like our conversations pick up where we left off. There isn’t that awkward “hi how’ve you been?” thing that happens with other people
