Where to begin, and what can be
possibly said that hasn't been said before?
Again, I'm “unfriended” for what is what I would say an unfair characterization of my behavior, and am subsequently blocked from discussing it further. Once again, something that's so egregious it can't be talked about unless I'm either being called names or are never allowed to explore where the assessment is coming from. Once again, I'm bitten by the bug of immensely shady liar “friendships” that pull ranks and fan the flames of the little demon amongst you, no longer merely “annoying” or “combative” in his approach, but now presumably sexist and beyond redemption.
So, again, I need to do the work that no one else bothers to do, and offer explanations and counterfactuals, and ask the difficult questions of myself to hopefully shed light on this irrational destructive curmudgeon that has wedged his way into the darkest recesses of his former friends' hearts.
First, let me make a prediction. It's only going to accelerate. Anyone super keen to be continually showing up in pictures with where I'm absolutely sure this demonizing gossip started will find their own way to ice me out. So I expect to lose at least another 3 or 4 “friends” because of something something Mean Girl Politics.
On to the meat. As with these things, it's usually precisely the opposite of the truth that's happening in real life and real time that I'm accused of doing. The charge is that I “treat women poorly.” The full text is as follows:
“Hey man, I removed you from my friends list. You haven't done anything explicitly to me but I don't like how you treat women in general. (I'm trying to do better with that myself.)
Good luck sir and I hope your living situation improves, I know it's been rough."
So, it's either true or not. There's either examples or there aren't. I either have the conscience and honesty or I don't. He offers nothing but that sentiment, making it hard on it's own to accept at face value. Let's explain why.
One, which women? I've spent the better part of the last year or 2 on a couch or working. The less than 5 women I've talked to for any length of time weren't conversations or interactions that even bordered something a shady night out drinking might suggest. This leads me to believe it's a trumped-up extrapolation from the conversations-gone-nowhere with falling away friends over petty disputes.
(Full disclosure: Precisely this moment I got a text from the person responding to my invitation to discuss things, and we're set to do so Wednesday night. I'm going to continue this as if he hadn't texted back given that he immediately blocked my message on Messenger asking “How do you think I treat women?”)
I like to assume I'm always in the wrong. It's been insisted often enough. So maybe the joke was out of line. Maybe I got too handsy. Maybe there's an amazingly shitty disheveled person who's done more in his power to be self-serving and delusional than God's most ardently faithful. Fine. I'm willing to entertain these realities. I have to think, with so much coming my way, usually out of the blue, that you would revel in the opportunity to lay it on me and hear me admit it! Isn't that the point?
I have my own version of what I think constitutes “treating women poorly.” See if your list matches any of mine:
Beating them.
Talking to them as if they're inferior. (You dumb blonde.)
Paying them less for the same work.
Again, I'm “unfriended” for what is what I would say an unfair characterization of my behavior, and am subsequently blocked from discussing it further. Once again, something that's so egregious it can't be talked about unless I'm either being called names or are never allowed to explore where the assessment is coming from. Once again, I'm bitten by the bug of immensely shady liar “friendships” that pull ranks and fan the flames of the little demon amongst you, no longer merely “annoying” or “combative” in his approach, but now presumably sexist and beyond redemption.
So, again, I need to do the work that no one else bothers to do, and offer explanations and counterfactuals, and ask the difficult questions of myself to hopefully shed light on this irrational destructive curmudgeon that has wedged his way into the darkest recesses of his former friends' hearts.
First, let me make a prediction. It's only going to accelerate. Anyone super keen to be continually showing up in pictures with where I'm absolutely sure this demonizing gossip started will find their own way to ice me out. So I expect to lose at least another 3 or 4 “friends” because of something something Mean Girl Politics.
On to the meat. As with these things, it's usually precisely the opposite of the truth that's happening in real life and real time that I'm accused of doing. The charge is that I “treat women poorly.” The full text is as follows:
“Hey man, I removed you from my friends list. You haven't done anything explicitly to me but I don't like how you treat women in general. (I'm trying to do better with that myself.)
Good luck sir and I hope your living situation improves, I know it's been rough."
So, it's either true or not. There's either examples or there aren't. I either have the conscience and honesty or I don't. He offers nothing but that sentiment, making it hard on it's own to accept at face value. Let's explain why.
One, which women? I've spent the better part of the last year or 2 on a couch or working. The less than 5 women I've talked to for any length of time weren't conversations or interactions that even bordered something a shady night out drinking might suggest. This leads me to believe it's a trumped-up extrapolation from the conversations-gone-nowhere with falling away friends over petty disputes.
(Full disclosure: Precisely this moment I got a text from the person responding to my invitation to discuss things, and we're set to do so Wednesday night. I'm going to continue this as if he hadn't texted back given that he immediately blocked my message on Messenger asking “How do you think I treat women?”)
I like to assume I'm always in the wrong. It's been insisted often enough. So maybe the joke was out of line. Maybe I got too handsy. Maybe there's an amazingly shitty disheveled person who's done more in his power to be self-serving and delusional than God's most ardently faithful. Fine. I'm willing to entertain these realities. I have to think, with so much coming my way, usually out of the blue, that you would revel in the opportunity to lay it on me and hear me admit it! Isn't that the point?
I have my own version of what I think constitutes “treating women poorly.” See if your list matches any of mine:
Beating them.
Talking to them as if they're inferior. (You dumb blonde.)
Paying them less for the same work.
Taking away their rights to their own
bodies.
Condoning people you associate with routinely calling them “bitches.”
Body shaming to their face .(Because, we all shit on everyone for superficial reasons, not just because you're a fat girl.)
Lying to them about how you feel.
Recognizing their feelings and playing them against one another.
Forcing them to cover up their shameful bodies
Condoning people you associate with routinely calling them “bitches.”
Body shaming to their face .(Because, we all shit on everyone for superficial reasons, not just because you're a fat girl.)
Lying to them about how you feel.
Recognizing their feelings and playing them against one another.
Forcing them to cover up their shameful bodies
Rape
Feel free to chime in any time, as I'm sure women are feeling the weight of things I'll never create an exhaustive list about on my own.
Here's the important part. How much of that behavior do I condone or engage in? I don't want to suggest like I deserve a special star or anything, but my money is on none of it. You can disagree, I'm open to hear about your experience. Tell me, tell all our friends, tell our parents.
The BEST kinds of arguments if you want to get shots in on me are that I've certainly attempted to initiate different sexual advances that didn't go anywhere, and I can only in retrospect assume they were taken as tactless or wrong. And mind you, I'm not talking I slipped half a digit inside and then had the grand epiphany that the tears and “No's” were my first indications.
You might also get away with the idea that I treat “everyone” terribly. This too would have to assume I've got some list or demonstrable persistent behavior that is harmful or destructive to those around me. I'd have to hear from you, one, because I don't hear from you. We don't interact. We're barely if at all “friends.” As well, I don't do anything or meet anyone new anymore. So my sample size of roommates and the occasional roommate child friend or girlfriend who, I don't know, don't seem to harbor an underbelly of resentment aren't going to give me the widest lens.
I'm tempted to “but I still have women friends!” my way an explanation, but, on the off chance they're as frightened or ashamed or consider me as implacable as everyone else who's thrown out a character bomb and ran away, why drag them into it? I can always attempt to discuss my behavior with them one on one and report back later.
Are we done with the straight-forward part? Have I missed something basic in human interactions here?
Now we can move on to what I suspect. What I suspect is that my “Please be patient and acknowledge what I've actually said” tone online has spilled over into elevated conspiratorial gossip regarding my character. I think before the conversation that kicked that off, I made 2 other girls in that group uncomfortable. One of them, I tried to engage about relationship issues, which was arguably one of the worst decisions I could have made. The other, I attempted to contact about hanging out, and not knowing how to say, “I didn't care to hang out with you” put her on the defensive trying to pawn off the responsibility on the group she was hanging out with who apparently don't like me. Let the, “...and you know what else about him!?” spiral from there. Mind you, we're talking a year or so gap of zero or next to zero conversation or time together besides whatever negative aspect they took away from our last interaction.
I think that also given that I'm not prone to too many random texts or Skype calls, not just because I'm bad a faking I like to hear how your life isn't moving any faster than mine, the friends who do engage in those things get to join the gossip train. We're all self-assured shit-talking assholes. I'm under no illusions I've kind of cult celebrity status on the tongues of the people I've apparently wronged. And given that fact of getting older and life not resembling what you thought it might, fodder like me is prime eating.
You can combine those social factors with the sheer amount of whoring around I did in school, my advocating for open relationships, and the, what I'm sure are beyond terrible interpretations of what me, the monster, did to lose “the most sweetest most beautiful and caring girl in the world.” I'm not using the quotes because she's not, I'm using them because she's not a fairy-tale character I tried to enslave.
Let's also keep in mind that to every single one of these girls, I've attempted to apologize, even for things that weren't my fault. You can see how that unfolded in some blogs somewhere. Like, I've apologized for trying to hang out with a friend who came to town. That registered as I was doing something wrong. I've apologized for asking people to explain themselves or give me an example that wasn't an open and shut door “you're this” kind of statement. I followed my last ignored apology with “I don't expect her to want to be friends or anything, but just know I don't hold any anger or think that conversation reflects what I generally think of her.” Props to an entirely different girl friend years ago who actually responded to my apology for poor drunk phrasing of hurt feelings with understanding and an apology back. It can happen.
I won't forget, when it seems bad, it's only gonna get worse. I'm genuinely excited for Wednesday to see just what it is I'm missing in my character, particularly towards women, besides the patience to accept damning character assessments on their face. But I ask you, fawning yet shy public, where were you? How did you let me get so bad? Why are we still friends today? Do I ask too much of you? Am I like all the other boys who behave in terrible ways you hate, but I have that annoying habit of asking for feedback and conversation so it just makes me the worst and you can't be bothered to deal with it anymore?
You're sick. We're sick. There's something so broken about how, well frankly, I'm being treated, when I hear NOTHING, or am BLOCKED, or am in some form or another dragged through the mud for someone else's reality based on I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA, or a bad conversation online. Is it my guilty consciousness that would sell tickets to this shit show? Or is this so mind-bendingly painful and absurd, I can't handle it alone? You're not going to get better than me. You're not going to get someone asking for it. But you have to give something in return. You have to be a better friend. Well, you don't have to be, but it's not going to be me mourning your loss when the reality and regret start to sink in. I'm already there. I mourned when the first domino fell. Now I'm just incidentally depressed and angry, but still patient, and still honest.
Feel free to chime in any time, as I'm sure women are feeling the weight of things I'll never create an exhaustive list about on my own.
Here's the important part. How much of that behavior do I condone or engage in? I don't want to suggest like I deserve a special star or anything, but my money is on none of it. You can disagree, I'm open to hear about your experience. Tell me, tell all our friends, tell our parents.
The BEST kinds of arguments if you want to get shots in on me are that I've certainly attempted to initiate different sexual advances that didn't go anywhere, and I can only in retrospect assume they were taken as tactless or wrong. And mind you, I'm not talking I slipped half a digit inside and then had the grand epiphany that the tears and “No's” were my first indications.
You might also get away with the idea that I treat “everyone” terribly. This too would have to assume I've got some list or demonstrable persistent behavior that is harmful or destructive to those around me. I'd have to hear from you, one, because I don't hear from you. We don't interact. We're barely if at all “friends.” As well, I don't do anything or meet anyone new anymore. So my sample size of roommates and the occasional roommate child friend or girlfriend who, I don't know, don't seem to harbor an underbelly of resentment aren't going to give me the widest lens.
I'm tempted to “but I still have women friends!” my way an explanation, but, on the off chance they're as frightened or ashamed or consider me as implacable as everyone else who's thrown out a character bomb and ran away, why drag them into it? I can always attempt to discuss my behavior with them one on one and report back later.
Are we done with the straight-forward part? Have I missed something basic in human interactions here?
Now we can move on to what I suspect. What I suspect is that my “Please be patient and acknowledge what I've actually said” tone online has spilled over into elevated conspiratorial gossip regarding my character. I think before the conversation that kicked that off, I made 2 other girls in that group uncomfortable. One of them, I tried to engage about relationship issues, which was arguably one of the worst decisions I could have made. The other, I attempted to contact about hanging out, and not knowing how to say, “I didn't care to hang out with you” put her on the defensive trying to pawn off the responsibility on the group she was hanging out with who apparently don't like me. Let the, “...and you know what else about him!?” spiral from there. Mind you, we're talking a year or so gap of zero or next to zero conversation or time together besides whatever negative aspect they took away from our last interaction.
I think that also given that I'm not prone to too many random texts or Skype calls, not just because I'm bad a faking I like to hear how your life isn't moving any faster than mine, the friends who do engage in those things get to join the gossip train. We're all self-assured shit-talking assholes. I'm under no illusions I've kind of cult celebrity status on the tongues of the people I've apparently wronged. And given that fact of getting older and life not resembling what you thought it might, fodder like me is prime eating.
You can combine those social factors with the sheer amount of whoring around I did in school, my advocating for open relationships, and the, what I'm sure are beyond terrible interpretations of what me, the monster, did to lose “the most sweetest most beautiful and caring girl in the world.” I'm not using the quotes because she's not, I'm using them because she's not a fairy-tale character I tried to enslave.
Let's also keep in mind that to every single one of these girls, I've attempted to apologize, even for things that weren't my fault. You can see how that unfolded in some blogs somewhere. Like, I've apologized for trying to hang out with a friend who came to town. That registered as I was doing something wrong. I've apologized for asking people to explain themselves or give me an example that wasn't an open and shut door “you're this” kind of statement. I followed my last ignored apology with “I don't expect her to want to be friends or anything, but just know I don't hold any anger or think that conversation reflects what I generally think of her.” Props to an entirely different girl friend years ago who actually responded to my apology for poor drunk phrasing of hurt feelings with understanding and an apology back. It can happen.
I won't forget, when it seems bad, it's only gonna get worse. I'm genuinely excited for Wednesday to see just what it is I'm missing in my character, particularly towards women, besides the patience to accept damning character assessments on their face. But I ask you, fawning yet shy public, where were you? How did you let me get so bad? Why are we still friends today? Do I ask too much of you? Am I like all the other boys who behave in terrible ways you hate, but I have that annoying habit of asking for feedback and conversation so it just makes me the worst and you can't be bothered to deal with it anymore?
You're sick. We're sick. There's something so broken about how, well frankly, I'm being treated, when I hear NOTHING, or am BLOCKED, or am in some form or another dragged through the mud for someone else's reality based on I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA, or a bad conversation online. Is it my guilty consciousness that would sell tickets to this shit show? Or is this so mind-bendingly painful and absurd, I can't handle it alone? You're not going to get better than me. You're not going to get someone asking for it. But you have to give something in return. You have to be a better friend. Well, you don't have to be, but it's not going to be me mourning your loss when the reality and regret start to sink in. I'm already there. I mourned when the first domino fell. Now I'm just incidentally depressed and angry, but still patient, and still honest.
