It's terribly confusing and terribly annoying to be such a contradiction.
Yesterday was a day filled with good news and productivity regarding my future plans. I was dancing around or singing most of the day. There was prep for Thanksgiving. I suppose we already need to speak to the annoying aspect of being a contradiction in that it wasn't yesterday, but the day before. Yesterday I literally spent all day in bed sleeping off a hangover. At the last minute I decided my energy needed to be out, as if spending money and random drunken stranger conversation is favored to be a positive.
That setting is probably the easiest when it comes to speaking towards contradiction. There were a group of people who I've probably partied with before, and for what is probably the 5th time I've forgotten their faces. Ironically, they remind me of the old days of getting together before everyone got old and resented each other, but I can't seem to persuade my brain to retain a longer or more appreciative memory of them. The idea of being out together and celebrating with something that ensures you'll forget, or will kill you early in excess, I still can't say I understand. The alternative to being out of course would have been to just stay home, like I usually do. Just watch another movie or 5, sleep in or maybe play around on the guitar. Of course I find it in me to complain about all the "nothing" I do each day and hashtagged a year of my life with #yearofbeingboring.
Let's address just a general list of agitating contradiction to get it out of the way. I talk about saving money and spending wisely and yet manage to find myself in the middle of nights like 2 days ago. I could make my own meals and prepare them a week in advance and save, but nah. I could drink in my house and keep myself contained or entertained. That's not what I picked. I buy land to learn how to live sustainably, but I can't tell you the last time I recycled. I'm writing this and feeling like it's beyond pointless and overblown to explain my feelings...in the face of 550 other blogs over 12 1/2 years. I know I need structure, but actively work against its introduction into my life. I disavow my words and advice as I argue vociferously and secretly hope someone manages to do better with them than I manage. I fall prey to "one day" thinking despite that day literally being today where I get to speak to all that I am trying to accomplish.
I'm sure there's considerably more things, but I've forsaken the idea that this blog will live up to anything too coherent or comprehensive. If you consider as well how long we've been living in a world of doublespeak and emphasis on the faux-gray impartiality we've applied to the circus of Hitler 2, the places one might try to find their footing that exist beyond the befuddled and manic depressive mind break away. "I may not feel great, but at least someone's looking out for me!" No, no they're not dear, I'm sorry.
I'v gotten told a number of times to come hang out in a Blue state and surround myself with friends. While I haven't shrugged off civility, I forget how long ago I dropped the notion of what a friend was or wasn't supposed to mean. I don't seek to find my validation in offering honesty they don't want. (as long as I keep getting likes!) If I spent time traveling to do that, I wouldn't have been able to afford my land. If I didn't generally save and live a boring existence, I wouldn't be able to achieve binge nights. If I didn't open up with the chance that random bar conversation might be fun or worthwhile, I wouldn't have the opportunity to keep forgetting people let alone experience the guilt-light.
I want to believe things aren't binary. I want to think that my friends or family aren't as "whatever" as I might say they are. But then that opens the risk of me treating them like I do myself. Taking highs that have you singing and dancing and dashing them against the rocks of superficial drunk-i-cality.
Oh! More contradictions. I find "heroes" who put out good videos or books and then look for every reason to hate them. I watch everything in an attempt to be "in the know" but can barely recall plot lines or why it was significant. The more I think to myself how cool it would be to bring more people together, I find myself provoked to create more divisions as a sort of "get it over with" band-aid ripping of emotional ties. I honestly don't know if I'm a "miserable" person given that I don't find people like me for which I can make reliable comparisons, but still manage to identify with precision what's eating away at someone else as if I'm perpetually intimately familiar. One might just point to the burden of existing at all as each day marches you towards inevitable death.
Whatever. This was a mess.
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