All things being equal, what if you had
to reduce your friends to a single sentence? Maybe make it harder and
use a single word. Would this exercise help you better understand
them? Or perhaps, would it better clarify your feelings about
them?
The word “judgment” has been on my mind for several weeks. I'm finding myself unable to solidify it's meaning and consequences. It's a word that seems to extend the word “perspective.” People innocently share perspectives, but levy harsh judgments. We alter the connotation to suggest judgment is meant to perhaps shame or correct for something that sounds wrong.
A judge, in theory, is an impartial observer meant to toe a line determined by the collective wisdom of past judgments. They're supposed to follow the laws enacted in order to alleviate situations judged as harmful or unjust. They speak to a kind of idealism. That with enough trial and error, or moral gumption, we'll progress past our human failings and towards something more fair or equitable.
People as well think of judgment when it comes to “lifestyle choices.” Usually felt by the oppressed who yell “don't judge me!” for their actual style or very sense of being if they're in a racial or sexual minority. Even, if not especially, amongst believers who feel the implicit judgment at all times by their fellow churchgoers to live up to the, if not godly, churchly or familial expectations.
Invariably, given that our perspectives are limited and often flawed, our judgments remain fundamentally corrupted. This isn't the same thing as saying they are totally and absolutely wrong, but it does mean that if you don't adopt a kind of scientific manner in your opinion and exercise of judging, you're going to end up in a bad place.
Take the idea of assessing a room. I've been in instances where the person next to me will genuinely say something racist or sexist because “all of them act like that.” It's weird and uncomfortable, but they're none the wiser, to my discomfort, or especially about the target of their comment. So what do we have and what do we do? Reflexively, most want to call him ignorant, get angry, maybe escalate things to violence or throwing him out. Does that help? Maybe the vibe in the moment, but in general, is our understanding of that situation going to be understanding and preempt growth, or reactionary and stagnant?
Or maybe a less inflammatory example. Look at the biggest muscle bound guy in the room. Is he an insecure bro? Are you scared if he gets too drunk something bad is bound to happen? Do you feel insecure assuming he's bound to attract every girl in the room? If you can stop yourself from ceaselessly asking open-ended subjective experience questions, can you begin to speak to a kind of underlying truth of the situation? Are there better places to look than in your insecure mind?
The word “judgment” has been on my mind for several weeks. I'm finding myself unable to solidify it's meaning and consequences. It's a word that seems to extend the word “perspective.” People innocently share perspectives, but levy harsh judgments. We alter the connotation to suggest judgment is meant to perhaps shame or correct for something that sounds wrong.
A judge, in theory, is an impartial observer meant to toe a line determined by the collective wisdom of past judgments. They're supposed to follow the laws enacted in order to alleviate situations judged as harmful or unjust. They speak to a kind of idealism. That with enough trial and error, or moral gumption, we'll progress past our human failings and towards something more fair or equitable.
People as well think of judgment when it comes to “lifestyle choices.” Usually felt by the oppressed who yell “don't judge me!” for their actual style or very sense of being if they're in a racial or sexual minority. Even, if not especially, amongst believers who feel the implicit judgment at all times by their fellow churchgoers to live up to the, if not godly, churchly or familial expectations.
Invariably, given that our perspectives are limited and often flawed, our judgments remain fundamentally corrupted. This isn't the same thing as saying they are totally and absolutely wrong, but it does mean that if you don't adopt a kind of scientific manner in your opinion and exercise of judging, you're going to end up in a bad place.
Take the idea of assessing a room. I've been in instances where the person next to me will genuinely say something racist or sexist because “all of them act like that.” It's weird and uncomfortable, but they're none the wiser, to my discomfort, or especially about the target of their comment. So what do we have and what do we do? Reflexively, most want to call him ignorant, get angry, maybe escalate things to violence or throwing him out. Does that help? Maybe the vibe in the moment, but in general, is our understanding of that situation going to be understanding and preempt growth, or reactionary and stagnant?
Or maybe a less inflammatory example. Look at the biggest muscle bound guy in the room. Is he an insecure bro? Are you scared if he gets too drunk something bad is bound to happen? Do you feel insecure assuming he's bound to attract every girl in the room? If you can stop yourself from ceaselessly asking open-ended subjective experience questions, can you begin to speak to a kind of underlying truth of the situation? Are there better places to look than in your insecure mind?
I
think there are plenty of places to look. I think you can look at
history. I think body language is often forthcoming. I think you can
rely on rules and ideas you've personally cultivated for different
situations. And I think you can dip into the cultural tide to err on
the side of “more accurate assessment” instead of “frank
ignorant judgment.”Now, this can be extremely hard to do. It's almost impossible for a vast array of people I've met. It may sound extremely old hat for my facebook crowd, who will get yet another gold star suggesting more in common than our pretty faces, but it seems a general cultural failing I certainly don't hear discussed.
You have to think of all the things that can get in the way. One, you're own reflexively insecure mind starts the bad feelings and wrong-headed questions the moment you encounter someone new. Two, you may not acknowledge or be aware that there are cultural waves and imprints that suggest certain types and certain behaviors roll together. As Chris Rock puts it, your slutty dress doesn't make you a ho, but you are wearing a ho's uniform. I know my long hair and full beard has prompted plenty of folks to make assumptions and comments about my obvious levels of marijuana consumption, much to their dismay when I explain otherwise. Three, we have past evidence of gut-feelings proving correct and confident friends ready to reinforce our position, filtering out or diminishing conflicting evidence.
I hope it's becoming obvious that for a stranger, you're only going to be able to get so far. Far enough? If you're deciding who to offer a shot or strike up a conversation with, perhaps. In contrast, if you take your friendships, you can play the same kind of game, but take from so much more specific history. I'm fairly confident I call someone an asshole practically every day. I'm also fairly confident that when my friends refer to me as an asshole it's not the same superficial idea I'm expressing to whomever cut me off on the highway. I also don't think it's the singular word they'd settle on when assessing me.
In my own practice of the one sentence or one word exercise I notice something peculiar. The “problem children” reduce to a word or sentence of sympathy. The people on my mind when I raise concerns about the future or being immersed in a series of, hopefully not regretted later, decisions aren't “just an asshole” or “just being stupid.” But in our day to day, in our spatterings of communication or stories about each other, we're forced to shortcut. We innocently forget. We practice judgment, pretending to draw wisdom or value from our mere assessment.
I struggle with ideas about how impressively bad we are at speaking towards what it means to be human. It bugs me to hear “the first black/woman/muslim yada yada” like it's a celebration we've “fixed” something about race, sex, or religion. The fix is to stop referring to race like someone is an alien. To that end, I support and understand the logic and purpose of Black Lives Matter, and it's the blunt instrument for our blunt times, but attempting to pull back, I think they're marching with a nail in their toe. The idea that you would support neoliberal Hilary Clinton because she's a woman is both sexist and politically disingenuous when you compare her to an old-fashioned votes his conscious liberal like Bernie Sanders. Am I happy we tout someone's religious affiliation when I find it the height of an irresponsible and terrifying proposition that someone is speaking to an invisible infallible man in the sky to help them make decisions?
But in attempting to assess and not judge humans, you can nonetheless say there is some measure of progress in Barack Obama being elected, even if his blackness has nothing to do with his ability to govern. You can look at someone's actions and see to the degree in which they conform to sense or caring before you arbitrarily malign their faith. I'm not saying the scale isn't weighted against or my opinion is any less negatively shaped about religion, but an “incidental” faithful person speaks more to the human condition than the crazy ideologue.
As we get older and move farther apart, I think we lose the opportunities to practice how we can think about people in general. None of you who don't live around me are sharing your thoughts or blogs with me lol. But more to the point, I want there to be a bigger line between small and snappy and informed and comparative. I think practice becomes permanent and I don't know how we last into the future permanently ignoring or hiding behind a real conversation about what it is to be human.
