Campaign Speech: Running for Benevolent
Dictator of the United States.
“Thank you ladies and gentlemen so
much for your allowance of me to be a nominee for this prestigious
position. I hope to at least touch on every point of concern this
evening, and we can hold a ten minute Q and A at the end.
::as Martin Luther King Jr.-y as
possible::
My countrymen, we have a clear and
present danger with how we conduct ourselves in government. It is
outdated, inefficient, and corrupt. It is lazy, non-committed, and
deliberately obstructive. We have failed at our sole responsibility,
and that is to serve and protect the people of this country. Our
elected officials neither represent us nor our interests, and fail to
empathize with, or help to fix, our struggles. No, this is not the
time to note few that have stood strong and actually been there for
you. You know who they are, and they did not get the support they
needed.
And they were after fairly modest
goals. This country needs what those heroes preach and more. Let us
dive right in. If you are not the ones being represented, who is? If
you ventured to guess corporate interests, you would be correct. And
how is this done? Why lobbying of course. That is why, as your
Benevolent Dictator, I would put an end to lobbying. You do not get
to wasted millions of dollars trying to in turn make billions upon
your billions of dollars for your company. At a certain point in a
company, you just planted a seed and can no longer claim rights to
all that the tree produces. If that point is not when you’ve made a
billion dollars, I don’t know where it is.
So now, at least when it comes to
financials, you are all equal in my eyes. Now, though you might all
be equal, your ideas are not! There will be some issues that I will
refuse to pretend there are “two sides” to. These will include,
global warming, evolution, and war. As with much of how problems
either get solved or compounded, these three hold very close ties.
Regardless of whether the planet is warming or not, and it is, it is
a bad idea to pretend otherwise. WE LIVE HERE. There is no other
plant to pop off to when this experiment fails. If the science says
we are at risk, we do what we must to reduce or eliminate that risk.
Risk. What is a bigger risk to
well-being, safety, and happiness than war? Of course I believe in
protecting ourselves. There will forever be people plotting and
loving the prospect of hurting you or me. It is not the quality of a
lasting human race to react in turn. An eye for an eye leaves
everyone blind. I won’t just stop the war in Afghanistan, I will
pull the troops from every country that we are allies with. Does this
scare you? Does it bring up a certain level of fear and doubt when
our eyes are not everywhere? That is called the first step of you
learning to trust that there are better ways to live and deal with
people.
War is expensive, we went into this one
for a tool that helps destroy our atmosphere, and it actively
campaigns on dying for your country. I will never stop someone from
sacrificing their life for something they truly believe in, but if
it’s going to be for this country, I want to give them a country
worth sacrificing for.
I want you to be educated. I want you
to know that when people get into power, things happen in their
psyche that can change them. They can be coerced and threatened to
change how they behave. They can need help and be stressed to the
point of making bad decisions. That is why it is important for their
goals to be yours. Their ideals need to match your common sense and
decency. And when you disagree, you need to disagree on details and
not use your philosophy to oppress or infringe on objectivity.
Yes, Science is my God. If you choose
to believe that something “extra” makes you special and that you
don’t share something with every living thing on the planet, it is
within your mind to do so. It will not have a place in the classroom.
If the legacy of objectivity is to continue, there simply cannot be
people who rely on magic to support their decisions. It is harmful to
our children, to ourselves, and disrespects the process of evidence
based conclusions.
Controlled freedom! The ability to do
as much as you can with and for yourself without hurting or
infringing someone else. All drugs would be legal. One statement
needs to be made as to why. If I wanted to do heroine, I would go and
by heroine, I don’t, so I don’t. When we have a culture that is
open to experiencing or enabling these things in those that want to
do them, we can move past our own issues and devise ways in which to
do it responsibly. The untold lives and money that will be saved from
just getting over ourselves about drug use. You do well enough with
alcohol already, no?
Under my dictatorship, you will be
equal in prospects, but not ideas. When you contribute I will work to
make sure it is you who are awarded. I will do everything in my power
to create active minds and passionate souls to the point of no longer
needing my leadership. All I ask in return is that if I try to fuck
you, you fuck me back. Accountability is the fundamental idea we have
lost in this nation. No one gets punished, no one learns, no one
changes. I will be as open as I can about my policies, how and why
they are instated, and I will do it in plain English striving to cut
out as many unnecessary words as possible.
So America, are you ready? Are you
ready to make this an adventure that involves a lot of work, a lot of
caring, and a lot of righting of so many wrongs? Are you ready for
fast, dramatic, and lasting change? I don’t mean that Obama change
where it’s just a different colored hand passing the buck; I mean
change based on something that’s entirely me and you. Thank you”
