I think I’ve spent a good portion of
my time thinking about my “final moments.” I just got done
watching an interview with Christopher Hitchens and how he feels in,
what are likely to be, his final years. I’m also prompted by a
status that talked about how old we’re getting and how scary or
ambiguous the future is.
I think the only way to really get over
a fear is to desire it. Become a suicide bomber so to speak. And to a
certain extent, and in a number of scenarios, I can see myself
wanting death. If I’m sick and will never get better. If everyone
I’ve ever given a shit about is now gone and I’m forced to repeat
the cycle of watching people mature or deal with the stumbling blocks
of a new relationship. If I’ve just become so good at everything I
no longer feel like there’s something to learn. If Mexicans took
over the earth. (Think how skewed your racism scale is if I had said
“Blacks”, haha)
I think one of my most over used words
is perspective. I think about “depressing” things because they
give me perspective. When something fails or succeeds I try not to
get too pissed nor ridiculously lost in happiness. In a way, having
these ideas is what allows me to be perpetually happy. It’s like
I’m stuck on a loop labeled “deal with it.” I know that
regardless of what tomorrow holds, let alone years down the line,
I’ve led a fulfilling life and been luckier than the majority of
anything that has ever existed on this planet.
At the same time, I feel this manifests
as me looking fairly indecisive about things. School comes to mind. I
literally loath almost everything I do in class. I hate the amount of
money spent. I hate not feeling like I’m learning anything beyond
random factoids I could pick up from a week of stumbling. I’ve
still yet to drop out because I could make an “I hate” list just
as long about the working world. The most hovering and impeding
thought to my happy flow, though, is that I’m wasting my time doing
things I don’t want.
Now, of course,
what we want and “have” to do have conflicting practical
implications. We are thus forced to “lower” our wants in
accordance with what a specific system provides. My “escape” from
doing this is to make my expectations of myself more important than
what I would like to believe I can accomplish in the world “out
there.” If I can flow mentally, I’ll get along just fine in my
day to day regardless. I assume I would be happy with a bad-ass,
custom made palace just outside of a city where I could throw parties
and slip in and out through secret doors. That is a very “out
there” kind of goal. But inside my head I understand that what I
want is to create, be surrounded with good people, and be capable of
making noise without getting in trouble. All are doable without
money.
The real problems occur when you don’t
see yourself even living up to your mental expectations. The
beginning of last year, when the house had so much work to be done, I
was practically high. New seating, pole installed, tack up the white
board, tear up the basement, invent a new version of pong…it feels
brilliant to feel accomplished. I certainly don’t feel that degree
of “getting shit done” this year, and while I blame myself, I’m
not crushed with guilt or think I’m the only thing to blame. I just
wish I had the level of perspective to know how heavily I can weigh
my culpability verses my circumstances.
When you’re constantly reminding
yourself of who you are and how you expect yourself to be, it bleeds
into how you deal with people and your circumstances. I pity the fool
who thinks I merely hate school. I hate what I
think while I’m practicing it. I hate what I see it do to people. I
hate how corrupt and blatant in its exploitation it is. I also don’t
qualify hanging out with my friends or meeting new people as
“school.” I can audit a class if I’m looking for inspiration or
contact a teacher if Almighty Google fails when I have a question. It
doesn’t take ten thousand dollars a year. In the exact same way
that I feel myself waste my time in school, I see it happen with
people. Luckily those are easier interactions to fix, but my
“coldness” or indifference and impatience stems from this.
I want to believe that regardless of
the rules, ideas, and settings we allow ourselves to inhabit we can
dramatically and quickly change
into something better. Everything is changing at all times; I don’t
want to sit around for sixty years before gay people can get married
or we decide the earth is worth saving. I think this culture of
dragging our feet and constantly hoping for the future permeates so
much of what we do. Every time I’m reminded that I just have “one
more semester left” I’m asked to join in the game of denying
every second that semester consists of. Every time a bill is passed
that doesn’t take effect for years we sell the idea that good
things take ridiculous time frames that we don’t really operate
under. The completely obscured and ambiguous future brings me no
comfort whatsoever because it’s made up and assumed as potentially
viable. It’s a reality we trick ourselves into finding solace with
so we can remain contented now. It’s a trap.
Did you know we live in Utopia? We have
the means to live anywhere and feed everyone. We can create what it
means to live life, explore interests and invent questions to our
heart’s delight. We can build upon knowledge to not only fix
problems, but make it so they never need exist again. I think it’s
not just important but absolutely necessary that we stop thinking as
if we don’t understand our circumstances, our potential. Stop
fearing or expecting anything from the future and get your mind right
now and things will always play out as you expect
they should. And if my final thoughts are anything like what I fall
asleep with every single night, I’ll be just fine.
