I’m going to try and avoid “rant
blog” style and try to illustrate the deeper points and
implications I’ve come to after a revealing discussion with my
dad.
Why can’t it be that people are “just” fill-in-the-blank problem? It’s not enough for John to “just” be a little childish and immature; he has to send inflammatory texts, draw lines in the sand about friendships, and equate his value with the items placed around the house. It’s not enough for Javon to be “just” a bit of a hypocrite about money; she has to throw efforts to save her some in your face, spend it flagrantly on people she’s complained don’t pay her back, and whisper to new roommates about Sam’s finances like she has a clue or inch to speak. She would “by chance” choose to say “corn you didn’t pay for” only a few days after I shared a snow crab and shrimp meal she, uh oh, didn’t pay for. It’s not enough to hear through various grapevines how many “friends” I have who “had such a crazy awesome, etc cliché” on a party night, and have endless amounts of shit to spew about said parties a few weeks later.
In my own “family” I have people with money who refuse to invest it and spend it instead on random shit they don’t need or use. They make unnecessary renovations to my grandma’s old house under the guise that they want to move her back in there. You know renovations like a hard wood slippery floor instead of carpet for my grandma who can’t walk. Things like flat screen tvs in the bathroom for my grandma who can’t do much but stare comatose into the abyss. I have uncles take my aunt and her husband out to eat on father’s day while my dad who works as an iron worker comes home to take care of my grandma. I have an aunt has borrowed and lost insane amounts of money and refuses to see my grandma for more than an hour or so a week. She also refuses to come by if one of my uncles is there. My aunt is 52.
Less I confuse my point with these digressions; people don’t change. Odds are if you’re a hypocritical childish asshole now, you’ll be one when you’re my aunt and uncles’ ages. If there is any confusion why I am so quick to cut assholes out of my life, it is because I understand that they will forever bring me down. I choose not to invite them nor indulge them in their pathetic want of a life.
I perceive much of life in cycles. We live in a country where an oil company gets paid to bypass regulatory and safety measures. They get paid to kill, and hasten our imminent demise. Surely, they are not the first “big corporation” archetype to fuck things up with no consequence. I must agree with my dad on the idea that things will reach a point where the earth is so fucked, people are so poor and disenfranchised, it will boil over into a revolution. This is not a proper fix or long term strategy. This is just what happens when the lazy and stupid reach the end of their complacency. Yes, this means they are still lazy and stupid.
I find myself constantly asking how these people can live with themselves. I never parade myself as a saint, but I don’t think anything I’ve ever done, particularly when I started taking an overactive sense of responsibility for my actions, even remotely touches the kind of assholes I’m surrounded by. I don’t make it a habit of bumming cigarettes, alcohol, rides, entertainment, or food from anybody. I don’t lie outright to people’s faces. I don’t have anything I would only say in private that I wouldn’t say to your face. I don’t have this…need?....to denigrate and shit on things I claim make me happy.
I am very proud of the fact that I can identify those people and circumstances in which I am happy. I still, literally, everyday remind myself how good I have it to be in this kick-ass house with a kick-ass projector, new computer, car (albeit a poorly made one), legit friends amongst the torrent of assholes, and a thousand other little things that make my life ridiculously awesome. With that in mind, I am adopting a harsher policy about the assholes I keep. I’ve been giving inches, and now I won’t. I don’t expect you to excuse my behavior, and I won’t yours.
I’ve never felt the urge to give my real friends anything even resembling an ultimatum. That’s why if you somehow feel like you’re in an “us vs them” scenario, you put yourself there. I act on my behalf and I react to your bullshit. I am willing to take an infinite number of chances on making new friendships before I’ll allow one person to drag me down to their level. But AHHHHH this is all sounding so gloomy and angry…
I’m in the group celebrating on our species downward spiral into extinction. I have a vast array of dreams for the future, and how I want to prosper and help others to prosper as well. I simply can’t be the best kind of person I want to be by allowing my time to be focused for too long on people who can’t understand, or don’t care to, acknowledge that dignity and respect must be honored if I’m going to be persuaded they’re real people. I need friends who understand consequence and accountability.
There’s just too much to say. Scattered and random blog paused….broken record effect initiated…
“Is it worth it can you even hear me?…::scratch::…is it worth it can you even hear me?…::scratch::.. is it worth it can you even hear me?”
3…..2…..1……System reboot
2nd chance at finding clarity: engaged
I want people to stop making themselves so easy to hate. I don’t want to genuinely feel like nothing will change. I want standards. Maybe I’m fucking crazy, but I don’t readily invite people who abuse women to share drugs and alcohol with. Even if I can understand where they came from, something like that should change the nature of that relationship. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that I would walk into a friend’s house, drink their alcohol, burn their carpet, fog up their house, leave dishes and trash, and never once feel an obligation to help pick up. Even being relatively broke I feel obligated to pay back Schroeder who will think nothing of saying it’s on him in order for us to go out. I put debts onto myself. I feel burdened by the idea of not being equal or capable of providing for extraneous indulgences. Why is it that for everyone one person I know who isn’t like this, I know 20 who are?
I want to feel honored that you choose to be my friend. I want there to be a level of respect and understanding that other people envy. I want great talks, movie nights, summer outings, shared experiences. I want us to be able to teach each other new things. I want honesty even if it means leaving out details. I want memories of the fun times and dreams of the goals we help enable each other to work towards. If you’re my friend you’re not a passing acquaintance I happened by because I was roomed in Ashton. You’re not just a pretty face to try and fuck around with at parties. Whether you feel “special” or not means nothing because you simply matter to me.
With so much of our lives seemingly out of our control I will always seek grounding in myself and the company I keep. I’m going to try and be the nicest, most honest, and most generous fucking asshole you’ve ever met, and depending on how you read that statement will tell you everything you need to know about our friendship.
Gosh Nick P., so dramatic…
Why can’t it be that people are “just” fill-in-the-blank problem? It’s not enough for John to “just” be a little childish and immature; he has to send inflammatory texts, draw lines in the sand about friendships, and equate his value with the items placed around the house. It’s not enough for Javon to be “just” a bit of a hypocrite about money; she has to throw efforts to save her some in your face, spend it flagrantly on people she’s complained don’t pay her back, and whisper to new roommates about Sam’s finances like she has a clue or inch to speak. She would “by chance” choose to say “corn you didn’t pay for” only a few days after I shared a snow crab and shrimp meal she, uh oh, didn’t pay for. It’s not enough to hear through various grapevines how many “friends” I have who “had such a crazy awesome, etc cliché” on a party night, and have endless amounts of shit to spew about said parties a few weeks later.
In my own “family” I have people with money who refuse to invest it and spend it instead on random shit they don’t need or use. They make unnecessary renovations to my grandma’s old house under the guise that they want to move her back in there. You know renovations like a hard wood slippery floor instead of carpet for my grandma who can’t walk. Things like flat screen tvs in the bathroom for my grandma who can’t do much but stare comatose into the abyss. I have uncles take my aunt and her husband out to eat on father’s day while my dad who works as an iron worker comes home to take care of my grandma. I have an aunt has borrowed and lost insane amounts of money and refuses to see my grandma for more than an hour or so a week. She also refuses to come by if one of my uncles is there. My aunt is 52.
Less I confuse my point with these digressions; people don’t change. Odds are if you’re a hypocritical childish asshole now, you’ll be one when you’re my aunt and uncles’ ages. If there is any confusion why I am so quick to cut assholes out of my life, it is because I understand that they will forever bring me down. I choose not to invite them nor indulge them in their pathetic want of a life.
I perceive much of life in cycles. We live in a country where an oil company gets paid to bypass regulatory and safety measures. They get paid to kill, and hasten our imminent demise. Surely, they are not the first “big corporation” archetype to fuck things up with no consequence. I must agree with my dad on the idea that things will reach a point where the earth is so fucked, people are so poor and disenfranchised, it will boil over into a revolution. This is not a proper fix or long term strategy. This is just what happens when the lazy and stupid reach the end of their complacency. Yes, this means they are still lazy and stupid.
I find myself constantly asking how these people can live with themselves. I never parade myself as a saint, but I don’t think anything I’ve ever done, particularly when I started taking an overactive sense of responsibility for my actions, even remotely touches the kind of assholes I’m surrounded by. I don’t make it a habit of bumming cigarettes, alcohol, rides, entertainment, or food from anybody. I don’t lie outright to people’s faces. I don’t have anything I would only say in private that I wouldn’t say to your face. I don’t have this…need?....to denigrate and shit on things I claim make me happy.
I am very proud of the fact that I can identify those people and circumstances in which I am happy. I still, literally, everyday remind myself how good I have it to be in this kick-ass house with a kick-ass projector, new computer, car (albeit a poorly made one), legit friends amongst the torrent of assholes, and a thousand other little things that make my life ridiculously awesome. With that in mind, I am adopting a harsher policy about the assholes I keep. I’ve been giving inches, and now I won’t. I don’t expect you to excuse my behavior, and I won’t yours.
I’ve never felt the urge to give my real friends anything even resembling an ultimatum. That’s why if you somehow feel like you’re in an “us vs them” scenario, you put yourself there. I act on my behalf and I react to your bullshit. I am willing to take an infinite number of chances on making new friendships before I’ll allow one person to drag me down to their level. But AHHHHH this is all sounding so gloomy and angry…
I’m in the group celebrating on our species downward spiral into extinction. I have a vast array of dreams for the future, and how I want to prosper and help others to prosper as well. I simply can’t be the best kind of person I want to be by allowing my time to be focused for too long on people who can’t understand, or don’t care to, acknowledge that dignity and respect must be honored if I’m going to be persuaded they’re real people. I need friends who understand consequence and accountability.
There’s just too much to say. Scattered and random blog paused….broken record effect initiated…
“Is it worth it can you even hear me?…::scratch::…is it worth it can you even hear me?…::scratch::.. is it worth it can you even hear me?”
3…..2…..1……System reboot
2nd chance at finding clarity: engaged
I want people to stop making themselves so easy to hate. I don’t want to genuinely feel like nothing will change. I want standards. Maybe I’m fucking crazy, but I don’t readily invite people who abuse women to share drugs and alcohol with. Even if I can understand where they came from, something like that should change the nature of that relationship. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that I would walk into a friend’s house, drink their alcohol, burn their carpet, fog up their house, leave dishes and trash, and never once feel an obligation to help pick up. Even being relatively broke I feel obligated to pay back Schroeder who will think nothing of saying it’s on him in order for us to go out. I put debts onto myself. I feel burdened by the idea of not being equal or capable of providing for extraneous indulgences. Why is it that for everyone one person I know who isn’t like this, I know 20 who are?
I want to feel honored that you choose to be my friend. I want there to be a level of respect and understanding that other people envy. I want great talks, movie nights, summer outings, shared experiences. I want us to be able to teach each other new things. I want honesty even if it means leaving out details. I want memories of the fun times and dreams of the goals we help enable each other to work towards. If you’re my friend you’re not a passing acquaintance I happened by because I was roomed in Ashton. You’re not just a pretty face to try and fuck around with at parties. Whether you feel “special” or not means nothing because you simply matter to me.
With so much of our lives seemingly out of our control I will always seek grounding in myself and the company I keep. I’m going to try and be the nicest, most honest, and most generous fucking asshole you’ve ever met, and depending on how you read that statement will tell you everything you need to know about our friendship.
Gosh Nick P., so dramatic…
