Friday, October 25, 2013

[362] Off World

Star Date: 2.343.2126

My journey hasn't been easy. Upon landing, not only did I have to become a quick study of the customs and language, my skin is not used to a planet with a sun so close. My on-stem chip worked fine and I managed “English” which is how I will proceed in my reporting and translating back upon return. I did not anticipate the strange times ahead.

They're everywhere. No one tells you in the academy the lengths they will go to inhabit the land. The ingenious methods devised to either pack as many into a small place as possible, or combat the elements that would surely kill them quickly. Why? One of thousands of times I'll ask the question.
It's not just their presence, it's their likeness. If it doesn't have a face they insist that it needs one. Their talking television device is an endless loop depicting conversations, I've quite honestly, still not been able to discern the purpose of. It's almost as if they're all in on some kind of secret. I think it may be beyond the scope of my task to figure out what it is.

My first month was the hardest. As you well know, back home, you plug into A-HEAD and you join in the oneness of our shared identity. Here, it's a higher stakes game. They're personalities reach to shape everything they touch. It was quite the task to gather enough data on a few of them to begin long term engagement. I felt, lonely? I think is their word. It didn't make sense, you can't escape them if you try.

I set to task crafting my personality. I didn't have to understand their television box to gather that it may be imparting clues. If they were all watching, so should I. The various ways in which these groups engaged is a subject onto itself, but I think I managed to obtain a handful of optimal metrics to move things forward.

Smile. Gesture your face in a way that makes them do it back. It mostly always works. I learned how to structure their jokes and tried to match the styles of clothes I saw. I attended their sporting events and joined in their pageantry.

It was a process to get started, but I had a moment where I thought this was going to be easier than I previously feared.
I did feel wise in my choice of location to land. Some of the images I saw depicted sprawling cities with a million noises and distractions. I feel I wouldn't find the time nor patience to try and recount even the, meager by that standard, amount I've endured.

As an explorer to a foreign land, I'm used to be an actor. But now I almost feel like a double agent by distrusting myself. There's been something changing in me, and I don't feel it's all good. I wish to submit this report in good faith that the directors will pull me out if it sounds too disconcerting.
Over time I developed an attachment to some of my subjects. For as utterly baffling as they can be, they still seemed capable of perceiving that I was “from somewhere different” and sought to make my time easier. It's an emotional intelligence of sorts, but very situationally specific. Given that we've perfected GLOVE, because it fits! Their version, love is both ironic and reminiscent of a weaker form. In practice, it seems to defy the idea that I would refer to them as emotionally intelligent.
I must confess, it was around this time I felt myself getting lazy. I had a mission, but the overwhelming sense about this planet is to, as one drug induced acquaintance said to, let it ride. Upon first hearing it I was shocked. It felt like anathema to everything I've ever know. For Christ's sake (I'm told he was important to their history and needs to be invoked in times of turmoil) I'm here simply to learn!

I was in crisis. Was this person telling me that things were simply pointless on their planet? Could I have spent years at this point watching and recording, only to have missed this important nugget of the underlying truth of my effort?

I took solace in a pack of humans that had taken up shelter near me and we migrated together over time. Surely it is the true brilliance of our technology that allows for such a direct mock up body to fit in without detection. The only drawback is that I appear to be subjected to a degree of emotion much higher than was first anticipated Even the idea that I would be here long after they had grown and died left me feeling hollow. These, for lack of a better word, perhaps interesting pets, if we were to ever bring a few back.

I feel the reporting in my 8th year began to become compromised. Every new bit of information I took in pulled me into vastly interesting, but ultimately defunct worlds. The humans had this drive it seemed to corrupt or destroy information. Every time I thought I was learning, it turned out to be the same terrifying message. Of course we've known strife. I've no recollection of ever wanting to seek it out, until now.

I invited it in. It became impossible to sit and watch and report. One of their females took to liking me. I engaged. I let wave after wave rush over me and I thought little to nothing about what my small act of defiance would breed.

I provoked. I knew that the humans baseline seemed banal if not oblivious, but I quickly learned their preference for violence. While it was generally talked about in terms of strategy, I can't help but think they didn't know what they were playing for. I sought out fire with a few shots of my own.

Here, the social bonding became ever-more nebulous. My cohort maintained contact for significantly longer than I had anticipated. Most eventually fell out of contact. My human partner, I, regrettably, probably pushed too far, and will likely take solace in my departure.

In a sense, things did become clearer in the ashes of my wake. There was something intoxicating in giving up my control. I became part of their story without having to account for a word.

I hope this brief introduction goes far enough to endear you to the impossible situation I found myself in. As I scour the memory banks I will try to elaborate on the various Incidences I refer to throughout the report. If my language feels encumbered, it's because that's what it's become. I look forwarding to plugging back in after the debriefing.