I think and talk a big game. Doing that carries with it a mental state and a set of responsibilities. I want to act as big as I know I’m able. Anything less feels dishonest, lazy, and cheap. I’d rather be more honest in my laziness than resolved to make excuses for why I haven’t reached something yet. I suppose it’s up to you if that means honesty becomes my liability at that point. I’d argue that perhaps to an extent, but probably not very dramatically.
If we all have the things we’re good at, very broadly, I’m good at being a leader. When I’m not the leader, I don’t really know where to fit. I can usually get along well enough, but too much time not leading has its own consequences. The interesting part for me is whether I’m after being a leader of men, or just myself, and if most people feel this conflict. For surely actualizing your personal goals that have a universal implication is one thing and trying to be a persuasive diplomat another. I’m not a diplomat.
I need people to expect things of me, and to doubt the policy without doubting the man. It’s sincerity that I consider the most powerful and destructive force. You sincerely doubt me as a person; it’s all I want to prove you wrong. You think I’m an asshole for treating religious ideas a certain way, I might sit back for a while and refine my methodology. To me, that sincere will and steadfastness in whatever realm is what people find persuasive. Why you can find room in your heart for the Casanova who didn’t simply want to manipulate and fuck around as well as the bigoted family member who can’t purely be defined by their hatred for blacks and gays. You can feel nuance where the temptation to sum things up is strongest.
I think this speaks to, what I cannot really describe as hope because I said I’ve given that up, about our species. A potential to change or be understood in a different light, no matter how small, is still potential. You can change the net potential of something by creating an environment that breeds and respects the behaviors you want to cultivate. However long it took to domesticate dogs; that’s what I want to do to people. You’ll always have a few breeds that will be more prone to biting, but they’re nothing like the wolves from which they came.
I refrain from being too optimistic about our future. I think mine will be amazing and I hope it spills over to the extent I’d like. I think it’s easy to get lost in our own worlds, our own heads. It’s literally impossible to consider “everything” in practice, but information from a wide perspective is important for both personal and humanity’s growth. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but when you can’t move forward and you’re not going back, the only play is to be stagnant. There’s a whole host of things you can do to spin your wheels, but make sure you recognize that’s what you are in fact doing.
That’s what concerns me most when I try to appeal to the sources I find credible or the people I’d like to call heroes. How much political commentary is too much? When do you stop talking about abolishing the electoral college, or how ridiculous Santorum is for coming out against contraception and education, or Mitt’s magic underwear, before you take the steps to put policies, behaviors, and statements like theirs into the annuls of our sordid history?
There is something to be said about getting into the system to change it. Look at Occupy. They literally had to create something that could be sustained in a park by pulling themselves from the system. There are a lot of things that aren’t necessarily wrong with the system or that can be fixed fairly easily. To call the system the problem is to not have a clear understanding of the problem. I’ll tell you a secret, it’s not even “big government” “bankers” or “socialists.” It comes down to accountability. It’s a philosophy problem.
Some people think they are only accountable to a god or family. As a result, a broken relationship or an unlearned idea is the necessary component of their ongoing and “loving” relationships. Most people aren’t held accountable. As a result, greed takes over, excuses are made, prejudices and ideologies take foot, and often a backdrop of confusion and obscurity manifests that makes it even harder to make them accountable. I mean do you honestly have a good understanding of what the term “mortgage backed securities” really means? How often is abuse overlooked because of someone’s love and commitment to their cause or idea? It’s sad because these concepts, immensely powerful and consequential, get hijacked via sincerity. People really feel or really think or know in their heart something to be true, and more often than not, they’re dead wrong.
So I need to make my feelings, my thoughts, and my “heart” and have people experience it personally. This isn’t exactly hard. Literally every time I’ve made someone cry, I’ve been calm and we were politely chatting about life or people. My feelings, or lack thereof, were felt deeply and personally to the point that someone could only break down with the realization that someone like me exists, quite happily, and genuinely without a care in the world for the people who can’t get on board. It’s more than a few children I’ll leave behind. It goes the opposite direction as well. I really did/do want people to feel safe and free to act like immature drunken assholes from time to time, hence my behavior towards my house. If you felt motivated or happy, hopefully it’s because you recognized I was to help you get there. I’m obviously seeking to push this further when it comes to business.
Of course it’s about me. But I’m not naïve to what constitutes me. I respect and recognize the various forces and circumstances that allow me to express my will, assumptions about its freedom notwithstanding. My ability to feel personally responsible, to understand things for their consequences, and to maintain an identity while yearning for a convergence of the collective is a gift. A circumstantial potentially happenstance gift of merely existing, but a gift nonetheless. Am I going to spin my wheels riding in circles around admiring it? Or is it something to be exalted and celebrated? I’m perhaps lucky that I don’t need to call upon faith, this is actually here, and this I can make people feel and see. I want to test the theory that it’s a capacity in many people who don’t show it. I want to prove that it isn’t lost, its hiding trying to preserve its essence in a world that would see it destroyed.
