I exercise my right to be.
Fundamentally, it’s the only assumption I need to assume to be true
in order to forward any agenda. I perceive. I’m typing. It’s all
just a chain of decisions, for better or worse, that are supposed to
speak to what’s “me.”
Sometimes, I really don’t understand
where I’m coming from. Other than a basic cost/benefit analysis, I
don’t really get how I justify. Tonight, for example, I helped a
drunken kid get home as I waited for my ride. We bullshitted about
the Bulls and ultimately realized Derrick Rose would never touch
Michael Jordan. Who thinks I give a fuck about this guy? What the
hell possesses me to engage in cordial conversation and make sure he
can find his stupid ass home?
Perhaps I sound cold. I’m just
confused. Is there some innate thing pushing me towards being a good
example? Is it just a result of my practicing? I didn’t even get
his name. Maybe I just never want to see myself “falling” too far
into the kind of person I know I could be. The more good acts in my
favor, the less I need concern myself with flirting around dangerous
edges. Does that seem right to you?
I’m fascinated by the power of a
decision. I get it in my head that I own something, I will,
regardless of what the fuck you think, accomplish something, and it
happens. I literally dictate existence if I work towards it. This
power I find stunning. I can become anyone. I can play any game. I
can even tell you how and what I’m doing and then mold that into
how I run something. There has to be something odd about that. Some
form of red flag has to go up. I seem to only really relate to people
who play with that fire.
It isn’t some
cheap thrill either. It’s literally all I can think about. How I
can be a person who’s been head over heels and work towards being
endlessly dismissive. How I can care hopelessly deeply for a friend
and be prepared to cut them down when they decide to crack. I don’t
want to say that you “shouldn’t” or man not ought to have to
deal with being both, but I can’t deny the conflict. I can’t
pretend to know the medium in which I err on the side of positive
while someone practically explicitly like me could pull some utterly
atrocious shit.
I talk about the regulating influence
of my friends. I talk about being the boss and owning shit. I allude
to being the most evil/moral/cold/understanding etc. All for what? To
better understand myself? To contribute to some haphazard idea of a
collective consciousness? Maybe somewhere in the depths of my naiveté
I’ll come to believe some future I shape was really about me and my
intentions. It feels so crass and simple to say “because it feels
good.” Like I’ve simply been conditioned enough to work towards
relatively agreed upon societal good things from which to start my
positive feedback hamster wheel.
All I can do is flow along with what I
like. I like people with strong positions. Strong not meaning
intransigently irrational and fear based. I like the simple human
interactions and games. It isn’t a lie just because I know what’s
going on. I like the idea of being better than someone; of fighting.
I need to stop caring if I’m understood and just overtly be,
regardless of where I’m drifting towards next. I can’t possibly
be hijacked by the problems of the fucking hippies and
head-up-their-asses conservatives for I’m far too dismissive of
everything. The best I can “hope” for is a meager message that
translates in ways that permeate deeper than your shitty opinions.
