Wednesday,
August 5, 2009 at 2:08am
Keep
trying to fuck me. I'm noticeably more capable of indifference and am
much quicker at initializing it than I was able to in the past. I
will always find the lesson to be learned, and turn your belligerence
into an opportunity. None the less, I wish I was above getting played
(read, I wish I'd stop allowing myself to doubt and deny my initial
and overwhelmingly correct thoughts and feelings.) Trust is such a
commodity it's practically sacred if you can find it. I need to get
out of the habit of trusting anything more than what I perceive. Or
more likely, I need to accept more rapidly what indeed it is I do
perceive. I don't think I've fallen into the same kind of rut, but it
does draw parallels with the past despite its own nuances.
I can't trust you.
This isn't because I'm closed off, naive, or stubbornly won't, it's because I've so rarely found someone who values trust and understanding like I do. They are values that are "beneath" most of you, or perhaps more nicely, simply taken for granted. Of course you'd immediately object. Who better than you to have a flood of names come to mind that you would slap the word trust onto your relationship with them? Fine, believe it and I won't have even the slightest compulsion to argue otherwise. Or maybe, you empathize with that sentiment. What then of your relationships? Just know that I do not have it with you. Nothing beyond the, for lack of a better word, superficial can you expect to trust from me. I'll "feel" around you, talk and have fun, be there and help anyone I've deemed as a friend, but I won't trust you, yet will continue to do whatever I can so you understand what trust means to me. I don't expect the same out of people as I do from myself, and that's how I allow myself to get burned. When I "hope" or "have faith" that I misinterpreted, or things are more unclear than I'd claim, when they come full circle I still can't stifle that five or so minutes of shock and disruption. I'm working to never allow you another five minutes.
I need to feel above the problems I encounter in life. I am hopelessly excited about the future and what I can accomplish, and can't let the sudden waves of bullshit detract from that. I have a choice, I fully understand that I have a choice, and it is a difficult choice. I'm trying to make it easier for me to make it. I've decided that I'm only a sociopath to the point of self-preservation. I can't go on a wanton killing spree and truly feel empty, nor can I go down a check list of ways to betray people I'm beholden to and not blink an eye. I put value in what I can get from people, and try to return the same amount. I'm discovering more concretely that practically nobody cares to understand or live by this code of "selfishness." Their brand is petty, defiant, and sacrificial. I am simply awed by how true it is that people find themselves most "alive" when they think you are suffering. I won't forget that it is their sickness, not mine.
It's easy to understand how I don't care about you when you don't care about me. Even more so, and I think more importantly, I don't care about you when you don't care about you. I'll stop pretending. My defiance will be a stoic form with a single question, "Is that so?" when your edicts and "values" are dropped into my presence. I can't justify in myself having the capacity to keep searching through your rulebooks of endless games. I can't allow myself the luxury of dreams that include your steadfast contributions. This has been the major flaw in my perception. That I could somehow recruit people into making my dreams reach their full potential. How foolish of me to forget or stay my thoughts and hard fought understandings about people when they would conflict with my dreams.
I've been given so many opportunities to "play god" if you will and start stirring the pot of other peoples' lives. Do that "beyond mere asshole" thing then proceed to fold my arms and nod my head with a grunt. There simply is no reason in it. I try to reach happiness with people. I try to value and hold onto our relationship as long as it will work, in whatever capacity, as frequently or infrequently as is required. I can't find a single credible motive to want to destroy that. What is yours? Where in your mind do you go to make yourself okay with inching over the line? Do you resent that you truly are that vulnerable? Do you expect me to exploit it? Do you hate that I don't?
To me, it's as simple as keeping your hand off of a lit stove. You not only hold your hand to it, you're nonchalant in suggesting our fingers should be interlocked. You try to justify and nullify my objections because in "my world" I could never understand the sophistication and, dare I say, love embodied in such an act. You'd even deny your screams and scorn my help if you could catch a glimpse of horror or pity on my face. Burn.
I can't trust you.
This isn't because I'm closed off, naive, or stubbornly won't, it's because I've so rarely found someone who values trust and understanding like I do. They are values that are "beneath" most of you, or perhaps more nicely, simply taken for granted. Of course you'd immediately object. Who better than you to have a flood of names come to mind that you would slap the word trust onto your relationship with them? Fine, believe it and I won't have even the slightest compulsion to argue otherwise. Or maybe, you empathize with that sentiment. What then of your relationships? Just know that I do not have it with you. Nothing beyond the, for lack of a better word, superficial can you expect to trust from me. I'll "feel" around you, talk and have fun, be there and help anyone I've deemed as a friend, but I won't trust you, yet will continue to do whatever I can so you understand what trust means to me. I don't expect the same out of people as I do from myself, and that's how I allow myself to get burned. When I "hope" or "have faith" that I misinterpreted, or things are more unclear than I'd claim, when they come full circle I still can't stifle that five or so minutes of shock and disruption. I'm working to never allow you another five minutes.
I need to feel above the problems I encounter in life. I am hopelessly excited about the future and what I can accomplish, and can't let the sudden waves of bullshit detract from that. I have a choice, I fully understand that I have a choice, and it is a difficult choice. I'm trying to make it easier for me to make it. I've decided that I'm only a sociopath to the point of self-preservation. I can't go on a wanton killing spree and truly feel empty, nor can I go down a check list of ways to betray people I'm beholden to and not blink an eye. I put value in what I can get from people, and try to return the same amount. I'm discovering more concretely that practically nobody cares to understand or live by this code of "selfishness." Their brand is petty, defiant, and sacrificial. I am simply awed by how true it is that people find themselves most "alive" when they think you are suffering. I won't forget that it is their sickness, not mine.
It's easy to understand how I don't care about you when you don't care about me. Even more so, and I think more importantly, I don't care about you when you don't care about you. I'll stop pretending. My defiance will be a stoic form with a single question, "Is that so?" when your edicts and "values" are dropped into my presence. I can't justify in myself having the capacity to keep searching through your rulebooks of endless games. I can't allow myself the luxury of dreams that include your steadfast contributions. This has been the major flaw in my perception. That I could somehow recruit people into making my dreams reach their full potential. How foolish of me to forget or stay my thoughts and hard fought understandings about people when they would conflict with my dreams.
I've been given so many opportunities to "play god" if you will and start stirring the pot of other peoples' lives. Do that "beyond mere asshole" thing then proceed to fold my arms and nod my head with a grunt. There simply is no reason in it. I try to reach happiness with people. I try to value and hold onto our relationship as long as it will work, in whatever capacity, as frequently or infrequently as is required. I can't find a single credible motive to want to destroy that. What is yours? Where in your mind do you go to make yourself okay with inching over the line? Do you resent that you truly are that vulnerable? Do you expect me to exploit it? Do you hate that I don't?
To me, it's as simple as keeping your hand off of a lit stove. You not only hold your hand to it, you're nonchalant in suggesting our fingers should be interlocked. You try to justify and nullify my objections because in "my world" I could never understand the sophistication and, dare I say, love embodied in such an act. You'd even deny your screams and scorn my help if you could catch a glimpse of horror or pity on my face. Burn.
