Tuesday, July 8, 2008 at 6:27am |
I'm an asshole because I don't try. Whatever I say, do, think, or vaguely feel is a direct result of how I perceive any given moment. I sometimes think I'm like a robot who just sits and analyzes, yet has the ability to choose and shape a situation any number of ways. I think I made someone feel really bad tonight because I was completely honest about my "ability"/ tendency w/e to do this. I can only get along with people who are completely capable of still being themselves despite whatever it was I could say or do to them. It isn't about not caring about them, but it is about caring about yourself. This is a really confusing concept for people to understand and it seemingly always leads to them thinking I don't like or respect anything about what they say to me. I guess all I can say to that is that there is no question about my level of disdain for humanity as a whole, but my one to one relationship with any given person always has the potential to be understood at the same level. This level can only be reached when neither person in the relationship is dependent on the other. I should never be able to say or do anything that would prevent you from saying, "Alright fuck this guy, its time to go" and never care to talk to me again. The deeper thing that matters here is that you actually have to believe that under no circumstances could you be compelled to even try, whether you actually did or didn't again. Being absolutely sure that you understand your ability to not do it, but absolutely sure that you still could for any reason.
I have this nature that wants to play with people. I don't blame it or excuse my actions because of it. If someone says they like me for example, or more often, its pretty obvious they've taken a shine, it doesn't seem to matter whether I actually really like them back or not, I'll just kinda carry myself along and see what happens. It's almost like I make a game out of it. The thing is is that I get more competitive in some board games than I would in one of these situations. I'm not pitted against anything besides myself and next remarks to be made at any given time. Now contrary to what you may believe about when someone is "playing" with someone else, I'm not out to hurt anybody. I do not wish to make everyone I ever meet angry or resentful that they felt anything towards me. I'm not trying to simply use them as some play thing or sex doll w/e the situation may be. I guess the worst part about me during these times is I can be completely honest about what I'm doing or meant by something, and it will either go completely over their head or glance off their crush armor.
I think after having felt so deeply for someone in the past and having it projected back as though I was just a meager love sick puppy reinforces how little regard I have for what people's feelings are telling them. When I can find someone who is so naturally trying to "play" me, then I know they understand that something more I try to explain to people. This doesn't just have to happen with the whole boy girl relationship either. My best friend is the one who says "You know, I probably wouldn't take that bullet for you." We both invest in our self interest, which sometimes means we are in agreement and sometimes not, and then all kinds of weird shit like talking without talking and independently noticing random shit at the same time starts to kick in. Some would say this just comes from hanging out all the time, yet I've hung out with many other "friends" for much longer periods of time and never feel like we're on the same wavelength. I think the only thing that can really bring people together like that is an undying honesty about how much they care about their own interests.
It's not about being "selfish" as much as it is acknowledging the power within your individual self. Trust me it isn't the same thing. If you can't count on your ability to make yourself content/happy at any given time or in any situation, then you’re doing it wrong. While no one is obviously emotionless, how you direct and think about them is what tells you what you need to know about yourself. I think about right now. Right now I really do hate the path humanity is on, I hate how we think, I hate how I find myself with nothing to do, I hate thinking that most of my relationships are fabricated on the premise of nice words and well placed jokes. I am not a sad or depressed person though. I won't lose any sleep with these thoughts ping ponging in my head. I won't get angry at just who's ever around or throw some sort of fit. I'm already happier about something "higher" than that. I can recognize my hatred for what is in and be happy that I can do whatever I want with the energy it gives me. I'm alive, hear and now, or at least feel that way, and can recognize and direct anything to anything by any means. This is the greater truth that matters to me when I talk to people. If they can understand that then I can't hurt them; nor will they any longer think that I'm trying to.
So if you don't care about me, do it because you actually don't care and not in retaliation to what you think you know about what I care about you. It isn't about me, it's about you. Until you realize this you'll never understand why it doesn't feel like I'm appreciating your "friendship."
6 comments
Updated about 4 months ago
David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 3:15pm on July 8th, 2008
You have got to be the deepest person I know and have ever known.
"If you can't count on your ability to make yourself content/happy at any given time or in any situation, then your doing it wrong." I'm not too sure about this statement though. Medically depressed people (chemical imbalances, not emos) have a hard time getting themselves to be happy. Pair that with anxiety and stress problems, and it's even harder. I'm not sure if I have depression yet (haven't gone in for a diagnosis), but it's really hard to make myself happy. I have mental stress/anxiety problems, and often depression for some unknown reason.
Now of course if we're talking about just another "normal" person in society with a decent life and no problems, then sure, they should be able to at least do something to be content. Unfortunately, society has weened themselves to rely on others for comfort, causing clingyness and low self-reliance. I guess we're just another race heading to extinction. Good day, good sir.
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David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 3:17pm on July 8th, 2008
On a side note, there's nothing wrong with appearing as an asshole. I've been called that also. But as long as you're a freakin' sweet asshole who knows what you're talking about, I see no problem.
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Nick P. wroteat 7:38pm on July 8th, 2008
Ya, generally when I make statements like that I'm referring to people who have "normal", whatever that may mean, brain chemistry and haven't just become really good at making excuses for their behavior. When I thought I might be depressed or nihilistic I just read more Nietzsche and learned the inherent contradictions in how I was thinking.
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David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 8:02pm on July 8th, 2008
Nietzche, eh? I wanted to get into reading, anything you'd recommend by him?
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Nick P. wrote at 8:10pm on July 8th, 2008
I got through most of The Will to Power, the Walter Kauffman translation which has a lot of those really good "one paragraphers" that are pretty direct and thought provoking. I read Thus Spoke Zarathurstra which wasn't bad, but I had to read it kind of slowly. I just started Beyond Good and Evil which has so far been good, but I haven't read enough into it to get a really good idea, but it is hailed as one of his best and most famous.
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Pauline Laorden (Merrillville Senior High School) wroteat 10:07pm on July 8th, 2008
nick, i think college did you wrong. lol jk
