[1134] Play It Again

I need to complain a little bit now so I can preserve my overwhelmingly positive mood and sensibilities over the last few weeks.

I'm trying to do a few things at once. I wish to protect this "freedom" space of living considerably more budget-conscious than anyone usually can. I wish to keep myself available for opportunities, like this group that was supposed to start in July, for which I've been told increasingly conflicting things about how, or when, it would be funded. I'm also trying to ensure I can hold the line of boundaries I've put in place professionally and personally.

It's all getting tested. There's some usual inconsistencies from potential clients and I had a typical facebook "conversation" that antagonized familiar spaces. You give me a number to call you the next day with? I do so, you avoid the conversation and immediately offer an excuse about a dead relative and promise to call me back midday? Yeah, my phone didn't ring.

I reached out about a potential opening for a fully-remote role in which the guy was supposed to get back to me "within the next few hours." It's day 2, I've called again, heard nothing back. I checked in about that group for July, at best it'll be ready in 2 weeks, but it's not the focus right now as the person coordinating it has much on her plate. I get sworn in as CASA and am told about the giant waiting lists and "We've got families lined up as soon as you graduate!" It's been 2.5 weeks. No one's emailed me after I asked what the hold up is, changed my supervisor before I ever got started, and I've spent more time drinking with the other volunteers than I have discussing any given family.

I also get asked, out of the blue by Byron, if he can call me about one of our mutual friends who appears to be going through some difficulties across the country. I entertain the conversation, and immediately feel not-great after hanging up the phone. I don't actually have any interest in diving back into one of his "let's try to save someone" adventures. To the extent I can help a friend, cool. Negotiating the money, time, and effort to solve a problem I'm not entirely sure is mine? It's my habitual inserting or eagerness to be involved in "supporting" those I took for granted would support me that has burned me constantly.

You know what would make me free, mentally and financially, to fuck off across the country to help? Finding me the $20,000 that wouldn't exist as debt had the last several years of effort and faith I put into helping not been betrayed.

I woke up today rearing to go. Last night I did some light rearranging of my space to make it easier to engage in some new hobbies and facilitate practicing some old ones. I started a burn barrel, picked up a package, vacuumed and layed out some of the other nagging-for-my-attention things upon waking up. I'm still eager to knock out little chores and practice. I got up earlier than usual and still wish to be swept up in the tide of "little by little" helping me get things done inside and out.

It's just unfortunate that my persistent pet-peeves and frustrations find ways to manifest in spite of my best effort. I don't control whether you call or email me back. I don't control whether you accept and work to service my conditions for rebuilding trust or accessing my well of effort and intention. I don't control whether I'm heard as "over-eager" or merely "enthusiastic" when I pitch myself as willing to work for free or across tasks when the main one is pending.

I can sit here, enjoy my coffee, shit, shower, and shave, and practice my coping skills. I don't know how to feel when it sinks in how much I'm constantly coping with just how completely full of shit people are. You have no idea how thankful I am that I have contrasting relationships to remind me that it's not everyone and always. It's a constant overwhelming threat, but the choice of how or whether to engage it is mine. Here's your blog, universe, you cunt. I'm going to go back to having fun.