[1059] Incomplete Data

Something I like considerably more than any one "thing" is the realized expression of getting into whatever it is I wish to do in any given moment. It's exceedingly rare any one show is going to connect with me in some deep or individualized way, but I like knowing that if one is going to, all I have to do is click and it starts up. I only seem to find the intention to practice an instrument in starts and spurts, but when I do, it's on a high-end machine training my fingers the right way. I've got a t-shirt maker, sticker maker, sewing machine, and some wood working tools I've barely if ever touched. But the day I feel I have the time and focus to learn and set them up will make up for any thoughts of their "wasted" potential in the meantime.

I'm not a "passion" person. I have a severe distaste for the word. I can't say that when I was irrationally driven to be some concept of "best" that I was doing myself any favors. Now, in contrast, I have my attempts to be balanced and deliberate or day-to-day in how I conceive of myself. If I dropped everything to drill down on some instrument for the next 6 months, I'd get really good, or return to some mastery I had with my guitar, and then what? I cross my fingers I maintain the humility of elite players who are always looking to the people they stole from or they think do it better? I audition for a band? I produce my own stuff and claim a vaunted identity as an artist?

I don't want to be an artist, I am one. I don't want to be a big business guy, I am one. I don't want to be a country-folk coming up with redneck fixes to things, I am one. All that I may wish to occupy in the future, I currently am, just at varying degrees of resolution. What dials in any layer is both time invested, but catching when the thoughts swirl around what I believe are impediments. If I don't have the tools ready, I can't work on whatever feels like the most pressing thing to work on. There's a series of inspirations flowing through, and I want them captured on the right instruments.

It doesn't give me an irrational compulsive rush to spend money. I've been thinking about this when I spend months agonizing over whether or not to click to confirm an order. Am I just feeling listless and trying to fill the hole with junk? I'm still missing components of my otherwise "perfectly fulfilling" or "best flowing" kind of days. When I buy things, it's not that I don't want them or I don't enjoy using them, it's that I'm trying to talk myself out of having what I think, in a world that made sense, I'd already have without this lower-income negotiation.

I also, and this has been the prevailing energy for quite some time, just don't give a fuck about much higher degrees of debt than I ever thought I'd get comfortable with. I'm considerably more concerned about my day-to-day experience of life more than I am the infinite series of atrocities on their way that will be "impossible" to "pay back" as though I really owe anyone anything. I don't honestly believe I'm trying to justify being irresponsible. It's not without many calculations and spreadsheets and months of "Do I really need…?" No. I don't "need" anything past whatever keeps the poorest of the poor alive. Do I want? Yes. Is it speaking to something more intangible, yet necessary? Yes.

 
For most of the people in my life I'm either an ornament, novelty, or antagonist. The time in between is filled with me and my stuff and how I can justify each moment or activity. Any given hobby or skill can be parlayed into connecting with a broader ecosystem of people, but I'm not people. So I need stuff to connect with more stuff and parts of myself I'm not going to see reflected back or ever acknowledged by people. That's okay, it's just a bit expensive.

Anyway, I'm thinking of ordering/building the stuff it would take to get all my outside projects engaged. That and some missing electronics and instruments and lessons would put me at about $15,000 in debt. I'm still pulling about $2,000 a paycheck for the next couple months. I'm going to focus a bit more on meal prepping and still wouldn't hate to find something part-time on Fridays and weekend mornings. The last 4 times I've been told something would fit that have just disappeared into the ether.

I'm not tired, not looking forward to work tomorrow, and it's probably going to feel like a busier day. I just started the last season of Star Trek TNG. I have no events until Bastille and Duran Duran in Chicago Friday, Disturbed in Noblesville the day after, and Wargasm in Indy Sunday. Monday is a holiday. I think I'm occupying a similar disheartening space after hanging out that happens after working out. You get a taste of how it "should" or could feel all the time, but it's the exception. The energy or enthusiasm can't sustain and iterate, it just kind of sits there and nags you until it dissipates. All the more prescient one must be in capturing what manages to manifest I suppose.