[1006] Line Dancer

Occasionally, I get these little glimpses into the future. They’re more like an embedded sensibility after my imagination has run an experiment thousands of times. I’ll try to describe it using my recent year of going to shows pretty much every weekend. It is reminiscent of some of the epiphanies or conclusions you might reach while tripping, something deeply resonates that this thing perhaps is and isn’t “the point” of what you’re looking for. I like shows and have seen some incredible performances, but I haven’t structured my life around going to them, writing about them, or reflecting on them independent of a larger context. I’m not looking for “perfect” performances or to transcend my circumstances each time I bob and sway to a beat. The artist isn’t my salvation, the lyrics nor joke the answers to my questions.

I talk a lot, at least to myself, about what my life looks like when I have a lot of money. The indulgences might exist in equal or greater measure, but the goal of the money is to create new, better, and different culture. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like the future is worth looking at. I want to feel. This, I think is what I have in common with people who are otherwise pathologically driven to satiate their feelings. We want the feeling to change or be different, but some of us find ourselves lacking the agency, patience, or honesty to approach what it would really take to get what we want. I’m so angry by default and reasonably suspicious that a country seemingly ambivalent about fascism is going to be where I wish to stake my future.

I’ve been to 51 shows this year, 9 of them with someone else, 5 my dad. I’m down to keep going to shows with my dad, of course, he’s a baller who will fuck you up at a punk rock show. But it also indicates I don’t have a peer group. I don’t have a social network of people who I regularly do anything with that isn’t in some professional vein. The people I’m closest to are often extremely occupied with their jobs or family, and truly no priority is made for regular engagement. It’s incidental and when things are convenient. This has been the story for as long as I can remember. I’m not crazy about that, but I’m also not really about laying that at the feet of those I claim to call friends.

In any event, all the more reason I look to change the broader culture. I want my people happy and free to associate. I’m also cognizant that this alone is not enough and has drummed up resentment in the past from those not keen to take responsibility for what they’ve been free to engage in. As such, it’s less about the freedom in and of itself, and more a discussion of the ever-balancing act. I don’t expect to be indulged every time I profess being bored or lonely. Nor do I expect a sympathetic ear if I stifle an inclination to join a club or meet new people. But, we’re all still plugged in to the larger alienating and exhausting context. I haven’t created an alternative yet. I gather it’s not your goal to try.

This writing partially exists because a client messaged me to show me a bald eagle he saw. He then asked me how far away I lived from a state park. When I didn’t respond, as it’s Saturday and I was sleeping in, and it’s not a crisis situation, he sent “Hello,” a few hours later, like I’m, in his mind, of course meant to respond as though we’re friends. We’re not, and he’s someone who has carried on for months about not getting out more and doing things to occupy himself who, instead of messaging another client or inviting a neighbor, tried to carry on informally with his counselor. I explained the boundary, which he called, “bullshit” and then said he “just wanted to meet and shake my hand.” Extra no. That this was your inclination and expectation is an improperly set boundary that needs attention.

Attending to our needs is not easy. You may not even know what you need. You know what you’re getting or what you’re familiar with. You know the immediate gratification or regrets of substance use or cycle of violence and abuse you might engage in with your partner or family. But what do you need? Even if it’s a friend, it’s not an enabling counselor who will blur the line of appropriate conduct so you can feel better about yourself that moment or day. I have other members send me their accomplishments, and I go “good job!” and the conversation ends there or I ask them to take the next step and let me know when they’ve done so. At bottom, they have to do the work on themselves and for themselves.

So if I want to change culture, it’s as much me keeping the necessary boundaries as it is providing an environment where you can build on your awareness and responsibility. It has to be a robust and consistent enough space to compete with every other culture you’re plugged into. And if you’re someone who habituates unconsciously drifting between what each of those cultures offers you, my lines and expectations are going to feel like a threat, insulting, or otherwise difficult and unreasonable. I’m okay with that, because I’m discussing them regularly, soliciting feedback, and pushing myself into unfamiliar and uncomfortable realms as often as I can. I’m just a guy. I can only do so much with my attention, time, and energy. Do you think I’m that unsure or unclear about how to direct it?

My concept of “the work” when it comes to how to address yourself, your culture, or your desires is not something I conceive of, anymore, in terms of “have to” as it pertains to my own feeling and sensibility. Intellectually, I can state you “have to” in order to not go extinct, but emotionally, I’m excited to. I want to. I crave doing things that are fun, hard, together, creative, or going to set an example worth setting. I want to move fast. I want to leave an impression. I want to be remembered as having used my perspective and spite in as laudable and profound a way as possible. That’s how I shake off your offense. That’s how I examine your accusations. That’s how I continue to explore and reiterate points I’m stuck on in different ways over years. In that sense, I’m thankful for the entitled clients, news on Nazis, national trends, and silence from friends. I get to explore just where the fuck I really am and if it’s worth continuing to spend time there.

For example, I’ve already said “no” with regard to any job that wasn’t my own years ago. I’ve shed my romanticism about the college group. I don’t struggle to maintain professional boundaries or a sense of what I am or am not prepared to be for a client or as an employee. I don’t need to keep up with the neighbors nor pretend your opinion trumps the numbers nor my agency. 4 sentences capture thousands of words and years of work.

I don’t want to keep going to shows alone, but I also don’t want to attend them with people who aren’t really at the show with me either. I recall the spell of thinking I had a great friend group, including way more under that umbrella than I should have, and basing it on nothing more than our time together independent of any given individual’s headspace or priority. I think this is why people like cults and religion so much. You all get to align on some basic tenants until feds start knocking, but it’s the story of what you agree upon, not that you actually agree. It’s a means of quelling uncomfortable feelings and empowering a kind of conceptual meta-agency that’s still on auto-pilot, and has lost any connection to someone who would point it out in a compelling way. Whether you’re using drugs, smearing shit on walls, sex trafficking, or whipping yourself, “you” aren’t really there. And that’s the point. I want to be here. I fucking hate that a lot of the time, but I do. I want to be at the show. I want to be in your presence. I want to be given fodder for making jokes or thinking about things. I want to be attacking the biggest problems from as many fronts as I can lay my eyes on like I’m back grinding Kessen II to unlock the secret hardest and hidden levels.

Where do you want to be? I want to be at the next show anywhere in the world whenever it takes place. I want to be, occasionally, on telehealth calls or in organizational meetings before being on my way to an expensive and delicious eatery. I want to be building an organization that can create my antagonist environments. I want to be in the presence of people using power in accountable and meaningful ways. I don’t want to scream into the abyss at ghosts of my past. I’m thankful a long time ago I established that I needed to keep writing for me. I’d choke on the self-indulgence as though I actually felt my happiness or well-being depended on your engagement like a thirsty tik-toker.