While this kicks off after an inspiring Peter Boghossian video, the topic is more to do with “tension.” I haven’t been able to get to my rolfing appointments during this “training” period and have noticed some jaw clenching. I’ve had a few tenuously suggestive emails whispering towards later strife. As I continue to run with “the environment shapes us” as the prominent beat of my thoughts, I notice the tension that acts on the psychological construct.
I hear it from prominent writers and famous people who often say they don’t wish to even brush against “trans” issues. They anticipate a backlash. They know they’re going to get labeled a “transphobe” regardless of what they say or how they feel. The power of the radical vocal minority is just as vicious from the faux-Left as it is the Nazi-right. There’s a “cultural tension” around whether or not “we” as a “society” are able to put prejudices and “systemic injustice” aside, and “progress” in our conception of each other’s identities.
Lately, myself and others, have been plagued by the tension carried in their bodies. Most people, according to my rolf guy, carry it in their shoulders, neck, and upper back. This suggests to me it’s concentrated as a result of thoughts physically manifesting around where you think. Maybe you scrunch your face when you concentrate or recede into your seat after defeat, folding your posture to stress your neck. Somewhere, you’ve probably got knots or spots that need attention because your stress didn’t hold as an intellectual abstraction.
I’m winding up into my new job. Twice, I’ve gotten emails that carried the tension of, “Can you read between the lines?” It’s subtle, polite, reminders that I’m not “free,” and that if I keep up too long or push too hard with using my “reasoning” to try and not suffer or conform, things will surely escalate. This week, I have literally nothing to be done in person at the office an hour and a half away. I email last night asking if there’s anything in-office that needs to be done, and if not, I’d appreciate not adding to my gas bill for no reason. I didn’t get back “That makes sense, just stay home.” I got back, “As a hybrid counselor you will be expected to spend half your time at home and half in the office yada yada…., but for this week you can go ahead and stay home.”
Do I know my role and responsibilities? For the most part, yes. Do you remind people what those are when you’re agreeing after you’ve heard and understand them? To me, no. But that “professional tension” is used to keep yourself corralled in as much as the people you’re attempting to supervise. You can’t talk plainly about oversights about how to respect time or…? I think your body reminds you the tension is going to manifest somewhere regardless. I think the frothier the fearful ideologue gets the more you see negative implications and other physical indications of how much stress and tension there really is.
Like most kids who grew up with an abusive parent, I’m someone who is too-attuned to that tension. Shifts in body-language, tone, or how you put the key in the front door were things I learned how to react to at a subconscious level. It’s part of why I’m generally an effective communicator today. I can get yelled at, cussed at, talk about your dead kid (like I literally did 2 nights ago) and you’ll find yourself drawn in, comforted, and like I’m on your side. And, I am. I feel it too. Maybe not the extent of the sorrow or the anger, but my fight or flight is working, and I’m pairing it with different behaviors.
Unfortunately, most people don’t want to lean into the tension. Their body is signaling that they are going to get hurt, ostracized, or otherwise embarrassed and humiliated if they even allude to the “wrong” opinion or attitude about something. I think this speaks to why people adopt caricatured versions of themselves. If you’re a “mean girl” or a “cowboy” or an “uber-fan” of something, you side-step the internal analysis and opt for the reshuffling of qualifiers of your worth. You can stay at a shitty job with the right awards or summary comparisons. Those so quick to the “You’re phobic!” accusations are utterly terrified of being contradicted or losing how they orient and identify themselves. I keep finding the irony to tell the underlying story.
The imposition of this tension is what I have come to routinely malign as the wrong form of selfish manipulation. You don’t want to talk about something? Scream it out of existence! You don’t want to own your complicity? Deny, deny, deny, and then put all of your energy to imposing your denial into controlling those who don’t believe you. We’re still seriously having to deal with fascism with ever-elevating lies rooted in election-denial. I don’t think it’s a coincidence this coincides with attacks on women’s autonomy or civil rights. The more you’re radicalized, the more “we” are. You know what you need to shape institutions or build a stable society? Radical patience and a deep understanding of how power flows.
Whether your family expects you to act a certain way, “society” or your “institution” and its rules are overbearing, or you’ve conjured up a wholly pathological set of expectations and standards for yourself, it’s seemingly always the tension doing the work. I think this is how you bolster the argument against “free will” as it’s colloquially understood. Your biological imperative overriding common sense about your budget or sense of commitment. Your history and culture impressing upon you certain spiritual or financial obligations. Your fledgling conception of yourself keeping you rooted in familiar social or intellectual patterns.
I acknowledge how tense I am by default. It starts there. I’m not actually “not thinking” about the things that piss me off or the many futures I might occupy. I can’t “just believe” things are going to go a different direction than the evidence suggests to me. I can’t create more tension of self-denial on top of what’s already on offer. In pointing out the discrepancies and nuances, I tend to feel better or capable of recognizing my capacity and responsibility to move through it. How many of you have shared anything related to trans issues, race, “rape-culture,” wages, fascism or otherwise that hasn’t been in meme form? Are you thinking about things? Do you care?
You just know, like I know, that even world-renown scholars on any of these topics will get ushered off college campuses and questioned for their motives. It doesn’t feel worth it. But, somehow, it feels worth it to embody the stress of not methodically dealing with complicated things. Maybe because it’s familiar, it’s the default, and it only kills you slowly until it kills you all at once.
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