I’m really rather annoyed. It’s been going on for at least a few days. I know when this happens it’s because a lot of little things all stack up on each other in short succession. I have an approximate idea of what they are, but I haven’t made an exhaustive list yet.
::begin skipping block of bitchfest now::
My back is fucked up. Not sure if it’s from sleep weird or if I’ve hurt it some other way. The idea of buying another mattress or rearranging all of my stuff to access one of the 3, also not great, other ones I have sound miserable in turn. My head was hurting. My nose running and throat is dry. It’s still appreciably cold at my house because fate I’m sure has decided I won’t have an adequate heat system until June. All of my plans for having “fun” or otherwise distracting myself from my myriad shitty thoughts have been cancelled, closed without notice, or aren’t open to begin with. My job is starting in on getting to me with all of the indications of shitty leadership, lack of accountability, and ensuring I’ll have to choke down some pathetic and psychosis-inducing set of behaviors in order to cope for the months-long sentence. I didn’t get to pay down the amount of debt I was going to. I didn’t get paid for setting up what sounds like an over-enthusiastic rich kid’s pipe-dream distribution center on the land. I actually made the effort to get to and from work in spite of the storm for another symbolically significant reason for me that will be otherwise wholly ignored an unappreciated. I wasted gas and time gong into town yesterday being unable to coordinate the things I planned to do. I’m unable to get it all done today, and I’ll be waiting around Sunday, maybe, for the next attempt at getting the heat fixed, precluding my willingness or ability to get half of what I might’ve gotten done today had anything ever made sense for me over the last few weeks. I’m staring down sitting here, cold, watching TV, until Friday, where a very on-a-whim concert is scheduled for a band I’m about as familiar with as any one-hit wonder from the 90s. I don’t have my tools for doing a few things around the house. My tooth is chipped slightly. I’m worried I’ll lose my eyebrow piercing after losing the ball which required buying more shit from Amazon and a need to send half of it back after I figure out what gauge the thing is. I’m tired of TV. It’s too cold to play instruments, which my throat and body being what they are wouldn’t prove great for anyway. I haven’t been able to get my fucking bowling ball drilled after 3 weeks of lies about when the pro shop would be open. The guy who reached out to me about getting screened for probation cancelled. The dead cat I found just felt disconcerting. I’ve come close to getting stuck in my yard 3 times because I had to park the dumbass renter’s motorhome at the top of my driveway. The scam of credentials and how to obtain them is becoming ever-more obnoxious. All of the people I talk to with any regularity seem overwhelmed or cagey. My cats tricked me into thinking they could just sit next to each other for longer than 10 minutes without fighting for no reason.
I’m fed. My stuff is still here. I don’t have to look for a new job yet. The truck still runs.
When this kind of disparity in my thoughts starts to take root, I begin to feel like every worst thing about me. I want to cause trouble for people I don’t like. I want to feel a righteous surge of satisfaction of demonstrating what kind of power I retain precisely in the moment the world would otherwise try to render me helpless. So much of the bullshit in my life is the end result of negligence, dishonesty, or ambivalence, and in the face of that you can go limp and “accept” the things you can’t change, or you can attack and continually remind yourself just how much change you’re capable of at any moment. That’s the temptation and another source of stress just sitting there idling and waiting to actually move.
No comments:
Post a Comment