[906] Noise

I suspect, at “bottom,” I'm as “even” or “ambivalent” about “anything” as every particle I'm made of. While I don't subscribe to the notion of a “mechanical” universe nor determinism, I don't think you must be particularly “intellectual” to surmise “power” or “something greater,” even in a simple explanation of complexity, that renders you pointless and obsolete by definition. Indeed, many find it quite a relief when they can “give up” and hand over the weight of the world to this disembodied power or larger narrative as to where they fit. There's great utility, psychological and practical, to organizing your mind into a framework well independent of scrutiny.

When you have problems, it's easy to keep yourself from questioning. In the moment, there's a fire, and you try to put the fire out, not read about how many fires get started in how many ways nor do you care if statistically fires in your area are from one thing over another. These are our automatic reflexes and muscle tensions. These are our compulsions and self-soothing behaviors. These are the embodied demonstrations and movements in the world indicating an actual problem as such, and something being done to it. Whether it's exacerbating, temporarily stopping, or genuinely healing is often discovered too late, if at all.

I can frame dozens of problems instantaneously. I don't have health insurance, nor been to the dentist or eye doctor in a couple-few years. I have “stuff” everywhere, disorganized, and curious if I'm ever going to get around to fixing or using it. My shoulders and jaw are tense. I don't eat that well. I'm ambivalent in many of my choices in spending money. I'm in positions of power and influence I don't respect nor draw motivation or inspiration from. My most important thing, time, I'm still not feeling better at finding more control of, even if I technically have more hours in the day in which I can use it relative to my previous jobs. I could only dig out pieces of a tick from my cat. My shitty car is costing me, continually, more than it is worth both in time, thought, and money. Is that twelve?

I want such stupidly “easy” things that I get acutely dejected when they seem so hard to pull off. Like, I just want to go bowling with my friends. My friends are busy, don't really like or care about bowling generally, and it's been many months, pandemic aside, since remote enthusiasm for the prospect of bowling has been voiced. Why the fuck can't I pull off bowling? I let thoughts like that compound and it becomes speculation as to what about me and my lack of focus or enthusiasm or competence lends itself to my car issues or house project delays. Why would I waste money on being “entertained” when I could be *working,* like once another room is built I won't be stuck with the exact same set of issues involving a general “lacking” sense underscoring whatever I do.

It's one thing for me to say I get what I set out to. It's another to have little or nothing to say about the next things in line. More stuff? Spending money is not an accomplishment. More knowledge? To what end? I perpetually have dozens of articles from months ago I'm not actively reading. There's always a little picking up or chores to do...yippee. Do things for others? Never will the idea of you being unable to help others if you can't help yourself ring louder. Compliments from clients or praise and thank yous when I'm counseling them through a crisis mean nothing to me. My concept of what I'm capable of and its inevitable consequences has been overflowing for a while.

I managed to get the rest of the tick body removed from the cat.