[877] Balk The Talk

Let's start what initially feels like it will be one of the most redundant things I've ever written.

The problem is dishonesty.

Always, first, and forever, the problem is dishonesty. Whatever your issue, whatever your concept of "oppression." Whatever your interpretation of "isms" or "ists" is. It's always dishonesty.

You can get hidden or blocked from something because you are a troll. Those people are easy enough to understand in their arbitrary behavior or antagonism. Conversely, you can get hidden or blocked because you have an exacting understanding of a situation that makes someone uncomfortable.

I suspect I exist in a realm of the latter kind of person on most issues most of the time. I suspect this because of my insatiable desire to explore the depths of my ass and get a remote grasp of the psychological underpinnings of humans at large. I think I get very explicit when I need to in picking apart words. I think my point can be succinct. I think I've done a lot of work scraping away vagaries related to conversational style, intent, and efficacy.

As such, I know, hours before I'm blocked or hidden, that what's being discussed is perpetually on the verge of being censored. There's a psychological line that people who are angry can't cross. It's familiar. It's universal. It's annoying when someone points it out. It's worse when they do so with "big" comprehensive words juxtaposed with calling you a cunt.

Religion, racism, trans issues, misogyny, feminism, pick your poison there is a long sordid history and dozens of books neither of us have read in service to them. You can try to be angry or sad and talk about these issues, but almost certainly you're going to devolve into calling the other person names and running away.

Trump doesn't become president unless we were hemorrhaging what it meant to be honest. It is so deep, we barely know what I'm talking about right now! Dishonesty is hidden in memes. It's the fabric of our social groups. It's the silent obligations and compelling feelings that have us conforming around modes of communication that destroy us.

My worst clients are the dishonest ones, not the ones cussing at me or making empty threats. Their dishonesty hurts them, their children, the annoying process, and their prospects of not having State intervention come back if they manage to close things. My work environments suck by capitalist definition because they are dishonest about their greedy motivations and lack of accountability in allowing people to own their work, sense of being, and time.

The honest estimations of "what's happening" get crucified and killed, routinely. It's familiar. It's universal. It's easy enough to write me off as getting off on "arguing." It's also dishonest.

The playing field isn't fair. We're up against the baggage of being dumb apes. We're up against being wholly ignorant of our own minds. We're not just dumb, we're complicated in how we've structured being dumb. We're bull-headed in defending that construct. We're actively seeking voices to help protect and reinforce that construct. It's merely a construct. It's a wild and broken one.

I write. I share what I write. I save my conversations and arguments and share those too. The truth is naked, painful, comes with a lot of dirty words, and the thing you don't want to look at you need to the most. You look at by quoting. You look at it by offering challenges and criticisms of it. I'm proud to shit on people indignant and hateful masquerading as crusaders for the oppressed. That's Trump. That's Nazis. That's "radical activists" who have zero appreciation for how to interpret people different from them.

You can't say, truthfully, I don't understand your emotions. You can't say I'm just blissfully unaware what my words do to a person already on the defensive. You are correct in that I'm aggressively trying to pet a dog who's been abused for years and just needs time alone. Except, people aren't dogs. They need to be accountable for their barks and bites. They need to be shit on. We've taken our knowledge of trauma and used it to pretend pain is a selfish and noble thing to be protected from criticism. And when I say that, I'm giving too much credit to the people who behave that way, because I don't think they understand a goddamn thing.

I persuade people to peacefully part with their children. I can't persuade an angry keyboard warrior to quote me. The mediums come with their own handicaps or strengths, but both require honesty. I prefer the typing pissing matches because, at least when I do it, the words remain. You can go back and analyze. You can rephrase. You can ask questions. You can build and progress. You can expose yourself to what hurts at your own pace until you mold yourself into something better from the inside out.

But you have to mold yourself. You have to face what hurts. No one can force you. I can choose to stop calling you a cunt. You can't choose to make me feel bad about something I said. You can't force me to consider myself a "transphobe" or "bigot." You can honestly engage with what those terms mean to you. You can read exactly what I've said with regard to a topic, and pick it apart or ask for more detail. That's not what you do. Not doing so is dishonest.

I didn't stop feeling an overwhelming desire to "fight" with people until I examined the dynamics of my emotionally abusive childhood. I can differentiate between needing to react and overcompensate, and a genuine longstanding and worthwhile concern. I know what to focus on and break apart. I'm not plagued with guilt and doubt about the righteousness of my words or actions. I've detailed them out. You can read why. You don't have to pretend or even give me credit! You just have to look at what's already there.

I don't consider myself explicitly right or wrong. I'm curious. I'll keep asking questions. I'll keep probing for what motivated your behavior. I have nothing to win or lose that way. I "win" to the extent my work and words shape behavior, and my behavior first. Behaving as if you're the first person to feel a certain way and all your words are the best words is Trumpian. It's ignorant. It's dishonest.

Do fucking better. We're days after a wholly inadequate neoliberal mess is being dishonest about the impact of their policy and words. We're content to think we've "won" anything. We're still fucking lost.