[852] Thoughtfull-of-Shit

The more I think, the more I get into trouble. I use thinking as a tool to enable my behavior. “Thinking” is used as a catch-all for any passing phrase or feeling that whirls through your head. “I hate you!” You thought. “I was just trying to help!” You thought. “I'm good, you're bad, this, that, or the other thing is to blame!” You assert as matter-of-factually as you ever have. You were sincere in your thought. You believed in what you were saying.

It took me a long time to not associate “my thoughts” as “me.” I think a great many terrible things regularly. I think inappropriate things. I think in ways that you might associate with a form of mental Tourette's or something. I learned that I have no control over that. I learned there is a different between being at the whims and mercy of the feelings those thought patterns might produce, and how I actually feel, or don't, when I break something down and look at the pieces.

When I think, I attempt to open doors into a perspective I cannot otherwise access with the fluidity I would prefer in my daily life. I rarely feel “zen” in the middle of spinning out on the implications of existing in the perpetually shitty work environments I feel mostly compelled into. All of my knee-jerk judgmental and unpalatable turns of phrase are significantly more likely as I'm going about my day, than when I choose to discuss the details of someone's look or damage here. When I really think, it's a deliberate stab at getting somewhere and search for the next course of action. Whether that's to go for a walk, do an errand, or burn down an organization are what remain in limbo.

I hold zero regard for people in power. I think you are powerful when you respect what you can do and push that to its limits. If you lord your power over someone, you are weak. If you take advantage of people, you are weak. If you pretend that something is out of your control that perhaps your literal job description gives you control of, you are weak. As a weak person, and your role requires you to be powerful or a leader, you damage literally everyone and everything you touch. The consequences of your actions cannot be understated. You set a bad pace, and the people who don't like to run believe they never have to.

It causes me an indescribable rage when I see someone fail at being a leader. It is your job. You “earned” it, maybe. People come to you. Where do you get off letting them down? Where do you get off not learning about how to improve? How do you forgo exercising the discernment to respect reasonable criticism from lunatic rants? (I don't know if you've seen comments on Governor pages about mask requirements, but Jesus could the crazies make themselves any louder?) I get even more angry when I appeal to be the leader. I get angry when I set an unimpeachable example and prove what I'm talking about. I get angry when people continually fall in line with my good advice and can demonstrably show how they have improved after time with me.

What else are you supposed to do besides get angry? My organization tears me down, blows up my teams, and disrespects my supervisors that know and do the best. Shouldn't I be angry? Shouldn't I do everything in my power to destroy an organization that does that? Doesn't it become an increasing moral imperative when that organization is tasked with ensuring the safety of children? It's right in the fucking name!

My time is well spent pulling saplings, tearing down a shed, or giving deliberate meaningful feedback to new people on how to better engage with families. Why, if I'm part of an organization which recites ad nauseam their “core values” as being empathy, respect, professionalism, and genuineness can’t I squeeze out a drop in service to the things they cite as their own ongoing issues? I'm genuinely fucking pissed that we respect ourselves and power so little that we blind ourselves to the requisite empathy in evaluating reasonable criticism about what constitutes our practiced professionalism.

Just a quick story. In my first 6 months, the process for how we get medical records changed. We used to send a release with just the child's name, and the various doctor's offices would send us a four line summary of the child's last visit. If there were deeper health concerns, we'd request the whole history to be mailed. Well, this overwhelmed the one person they had in charge of getting those records, so they changed it. Now, they gave us 5 different fax numbers to send the releases, which all would be forwarded to a records keeping company who would send us packets of a child's medical history 3 weeks after the assessment closed. For weeks, I attempted to talk to each office manager about returning to a system that would provide us useful information in a timely manner, and nobody could assert a plan beyond “Send it to CIOX!” A year and a half later, I discover per a supervisor mentioning it, that we don't need releases if there's an open investigation, per State law, and that they were supposed to be sending us the information all along anyway. On top of that, someone got around to respecting the necessity and importance of up-to-date medical information in a timely manner, and worked out that one of our secretaries could just be granted access to the system with the records, but they still want the release.

If that situation isn't indicative of why things like “change takes time” or “the problems with big government” should infuriate the fuck out of you, I don't know what is. A half hour phone-tag session with anyone of authority and any basic bitch first dipshit of a fucking thought could have come to the conclusion that one mother fucker in the DCS office who's, not only entitled to the records, but going to be asking for them for presumably the end of time could have fixed that situation, and it took a year and a half.

And while you're spending an hour debating the boxes that should or shouldn't be checked on the form, and getting conflicting information from the medical records department verses another medical records department, you're not spending hours talking to families, responding to things timely, or feeling like you have a handle on the job as a whole. You're not formalizing the process, able to conjure together tangible metrics of success, nor willing to acknowledge the depth of your irresponsibility and depravity and how it lends itself to the overall failure of your organization. You thought it was just a hiccup with a form? Kids allergies are on those records. Mom's lie about taking the kid to the doctor for a life-threatening condition are on those records.

You deserve better. You deserve to have better examples to live by. You deserve the opportunity to lead better, and it's your responsibility to assert and speak to what that looks like. When I think about that, it brings me back to what I can actually do after I'm done writing or complaining. I can always speak. I can always hold myself to a standard that will carry into the next thing I do. I can always give an actual example of what those “core values” are supposed to speak to. It matters. It matters for the next kid who's going to get fucked because, while management was trying to build a case against an employee by overwhelming him, a kid was getting fucked in the ass. You think I'm angry? What consequences lie ahead for that kid the rest of his life? (I literally could not make this shit up)

I think I don't know what to do. I know what I could do, like leave, try to ignore it, or kick and scream until they help me burn a bridge. I don't know if you know this, but the job market isn't great. My bills are small, but not nonexistent. I can't effectively do my job when my mind is swarmed by feelings of injustice and rage. I can't help myself, let alone a child, when I don't trust what I'd be plugging them into even if they required our intervention. I can't be an infinite buffer either.

I hope this shit pisses you off and you're talking about it too. I hope you're using what power you have to sure up the edges of the shit sandwich that seems to dominate our modern conceptions of leadership and responsibility. It all matters and everything is always at stake.