[xx-17] This & More

Just a collection of lengthier statuses and ideas I’m grouping/saving for posterity:

Unfortunately, I think the democrats are going to remain the party that forsook taking responsibility and leadership for so long they allowed the consequences of these republican administrations and they're going to continue to fuck with even the idea of hope for making things better.

Joe Biden winning South Carolina is indicative of the old adages about familiarity and "electability" and the deep-rooted sense that people get about those things. It's anchoring and psychological pacifying.

I live in nowhere Indiana, have shit health care, shit food options, shit prospects at my job and nothing begging me to switch where I'll be appreciated or make more. I have no belief there will be social security when I'm old. I have no sense of community or camaraderie with my own generation let alone the youth alleged to save us all with their cancel culture and "problematic" ideas about what constitutes morality.

"Revolution," to me, would constitute basic living standards, not feeling on the brink of a mental breakdown every day, and believing this was a world worth bringing anyone into. "Radical" has come to mean whispering the very means of survival and reason for living. I can't point to a single thing besides Sanders who has remained so consistently speaking to the inside-out and poisoned heart at the center of our concept of being a country. That it's even a question or a toss-up in the minds of millions of people is as horrifying to me as the amount of people I saw supporting Sarah Palin in ANY capacity.

You can't be forgiven. This is what is lost. You can't be forgiven for giving yourself to fascism. You can't be forgiven for allowing people to get sick and die because your "leadership" doesn't believe in evolution or disease. You can't get back the lost years, wages, or sense of dignity and self-respect unless you're looking for a pseudo-convict story where you're undyingly grateful to have your job as a chef after 30 years behind bars.

I've been thinking a lot about when you throw in the towel. When is it worth it to fight, and keep pushing for as long as it takes? How do you recognize the cause worth championing? Ever more, I don't believe there's a point. I think the people in power get there for reasons that don’t have anything to do with merit or worth, and we have a linguistic and emotional culture that spins fairy-tales as to where we belong and what we deserve. I can't save DCS. We'll get eaten alive by a virus and die before ever admitting the depravity that is Trump. And there's nowhere to go but in circles.

All I have is the ability to talk about it as earnestly and honestly as I can. And that won't be enough to change or fix things, and it will disappear into the feed of so many memes, and I'll piss back off into my field attempting to squeeze what I can before they/it comes for me.

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What does this mean?!

"I think people break in this job after the slow creep of the reality triggers a yet acknowledged explosion."

A day at DCS is a lot like a roulette wheel. So many places the ball can land, most you're indifferent towards if you pick black or red, or have a disposition that sits safely and comfortably in your color of choice. There's still zeroes. They exist, and they'll blow up your even-enough odds.

"Like, one day I'm going to smell a cat box, blackout, and rip someone in half."

Triggers are individual to each person, but the smell of shitty cat boxes is at once familiar and all-to common, so I thought it most relatable.

"They're so cliché in their piece-of-shittery and indignation and entitlement and you watch them cultivate the suicide ideation in their elementary aged child."

People with the genuine problems are the absolute worst. They hate you for caring or trying. They talk out of both sides of their mouths. You can track the complexes they're building into their children, sometimes in real time. They are PROUD of their ignorance and hostile to good intentions or change. They plague the minds of the children in their care in modeling this behavior, and it rips kids to shreds.

" It's no longer "just" about the getting blown off or individual circumstance and presumed humanity."

Your elevated place in the hierarchy of all things becomes apparent. You don't get to tell yourself a "happy" or justified story about "mere humanity" and how it behaves. No, you get to put names and faces to the same kind of dropped balls and excuses. You get to imagine the larger world of kids under the same kind of tutelage. Your intervention becomes a moral obligation, religious principle, or spiritual calling as every decision translates into real fallout right in front of you.

"It becomes the daily equation of assholes and the stark realization of the depravity thusly emblemated in your moral breakdown and incongruity."

Your brain mashes things and tries to condense and understand. So the soup of different kinds of pathology play together in unforseeable ways. That overbearing asshole plus this pathologically lying mom plus those smug teens across 3 or 4 families can reveal hidden worlds of disdain and dejectedness. You're good, no? You show up, and try, and explain, and yet look them. LOOK AT THEM!

"There is no logic, no book, and no disposition for that visceral internal subconscious equation that can save you or them."

The cutesy way to talk about this is "burnout." You don't realize you're being eaten. You don't understand all of the things you've become attached to that are pulling all the time. You're coping, maybe, until you're not.

"Here's hoping if it happens it's to someone that deserves it. The odds are in your favor."

They all do, we all do, in some form or another.