I haven't written in a bit. I suspect it's because things have been going basically well. The break from work and time spent with my girl certainly aren't things to bitch about. The general propensity I maintain that forgets sources of income and assumes more in losses than feels necessary in the moment has me believing I'll be entering a high-intensity fugue state in a few short weeks as I compile tools and resources. I'm beginning to feel “powerful” again. When things happen to me, they feel manageable. When I'm in an uncomfortable setting, I can play along. When I've campaigned a little too hard for the positivity, we can stand back in awe that I actually bothered to campaign and my instinct wasn't to relay ironic mockery for the modest defeat.
I've said a few times that I believe I'll be insufferable when I actually get going. When I can realize the change I want to see, have it paid for if not completed, secured the spot, learned the next step, or otherwise seem to have discovered a way to enable the pieces to move, that's all I want to do. I want to do it because I still suspect life doesn't give a shit about what I want to do and will try to cause my car to break down in an expensive way before I get it paid for. I think life will try to make sure some unforeseen responsibility is foisted upon my shoulders when it sees I have nothing else to assert in its smirking face. I think striking quickly is often as important as striking wisely when the ongoing task is more fundamental than the infinite variable details that will need smoothed out regardless.
I'm a little concerned about returning to that level of intensity and expectation. Seriously, what happens when I've literally paid my bills in advance, for years, and every red cent I can use to get in trouble? I've never had that. How much more impatient am I going to get with the bullshit at work if I've already budgeted buying and building another spot in California? What happens if I use my refund check and can manage to get enough solar power and batteries to get off-grid, reducing my obligations even further? [1/25/20 idiot] I've had all the time in the world, in a sense, in the past. I'm confident I can occupy it, but what am I going to make of a disposition shift and that isn't “practically sitting pretty” so I can pay the bills or get out of debt?
Something on my truck broke and is now protruding through the bed. I bought 800 pounds of soil to aide in driving when the snowstorm hit. It helped. Apparently driving around with that much weight just generally has contributed to an issue that I'm sure won't be as cheap to repair as I'd like it to be. It's a great example of life not giving a shit and the infinite things you'll overlook while puffing what little chest you can. It's indicative of why we need societies and backups and reliable people and tools to insure against that infinite see of destruction. It's goading the piece of my life puzzle I'm most excited about addressing. It's being the change I wish to see in the world.
That thought has contributed to the feeling powerful. You can't change people, but you can condition them. You can shame them. You can make them fit a comfortable place for you, if not for them. I don't need help from people who can't or won't. I won't share enough articles, argue brilliantly, or vote my way through humanity's innate fascism. I have to design and live like I know what you are, accept where you are, and render you as a cog in my machine, or helpless in the face of my growing edifice. There is no “winning,” so to speak, my game, but for life manifesting in the ways only I am capable of designing and observing a certain way. That's the importance of preserving your individual voice and reinforcing whatever it is you have to say. People who burn candles alone in the street for peace don't want to the world to change them, they don't believe the candle stops bullets.
The work of affirmation is complicated. Like most things, it can look like anything else. “Jews will not replace us!” What? Insane insecure ramblings of idiots certainly looking like they're asserting something. The powerful truth of what you really believe in is what takes hold. Scapegoating, bullying, and fear-mongering are their gods, not their scrupulous invectives and poignant chants. To the degree you answer with what you actually believe and understand about the real consequences determines who wins. It determines who wins forever, every day. I flick off the Trump flag house on my way to work every morning because fuck that.
I guess I'm curious about when or whether you feel powerful. It came up again that someone in my life pointed out that my affirmation and explanation of my plans and the ways in which I think I can cultivate society sounded condescending. I often need to work on my verbal delivery, but I tried to reassure that I don't really go to that excited explanatory place with people I don't feel like I'm conspiring with. If you're still reading me or waiting for things to exponentiate, I hope you never feel like I'm talking down to you. I'm often talking from a place of desperate loneliness and needling anxiety about the time it's taken to inch forward. It's frustrating how many people “get it,” and how many ways it becomes or feels impossible to live like we do. I consider you co-conspirators, knights of the round, or ladies-in-waiting poised to slash the throats of their particular oppressors and their pageantry.
It's a small club, and I don't make the rules for how you're going to react. Maybe that's what I'm worried about. I can be all crazy me in my own way and own time, but what happens when I make the call and it's silent on the other end of the line? Back to forlorn consideration of cold-calling and door knocking? Stewing with my toys? Coming back to these lines, commas in the bank, a world of creation outside my door, and a laundry list of those I've alienated and moved-on from? I have to consider it at least. I think I got at least one or two that'll stick it out.
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