[790] Wish I Was A Baller

Dammit, I feel like I'm avoiding writing, so having basically just woke up, I'm forcing myself to.

Today, it's a mild temperature, mildly damp, and I am attempting to start a kickball group at work. I sent out the initial invitation on Thursday after an opening sign-up sheet and introduction email explaining our Midwestern pattern of “rain 2-3 days, spring 2-3 days, freeze 2-3 days” will result in quasi-short notice and potentially canceled attempts to trap a Saturday game in a good window of that cycle. I'm growing mildly obsessed with the “fallout” of this attempt. I'm having naive patriot who hadn't quite wrapped their head around what war means levels of PTSD.

This isn't the first time I've been the “event planner.” Inviting people to things and trying to be “extra” is a familiar space. I want to over-prepare. I want to buy bases in case the fields are occupied, I want to bring drinks, and Frisbees, or dodgeballs and baseball netting for an impromptu field and alternatives. I want to offer a dozen reasons for the decision to cancel or tough it out. I want to pretend like I wouldn't really only rather be out drinking or grabbing lunch with 2 or 3 of the people who signed up.

Starting things is hard. You have the initial “enthusiasm gap.” The same “We have to try your coffee sometime!” before walking right on by is the same, “Dodgeball sounds fun!” No one buys into ideas that aren't their own until they make them their own. The kind of twisted irony that would make me “like my job” is doing exactly not my job of my own volition, building a kind of coalition with people I would otherwise never engage with. I stayed at Showplace through horrible management times because they felt like familiar friends.

Now, it's even more complicated. These people are adults. They both extra don't give a shit one way or another, and they're DCS people. They're used to switching on and off in a moment's notice, persistent let-downs, and professional lack of sympathy or regard. This has to be an open door and be an easy option, or they'll be happy to dismiss something that feels like an impeding obligation just as quickly as the “budding adult syndrome” drained the old college crowd from giving a shit about waterslides and bowling.

So, wait a minute, maybe I've just stumbled into something positive by canceling on account of rain. I've led with, perhaps anchored, in accordance with the leading sentiment. This is kind of how it's going to be, probably too wet most of the time. By the time we ever get around to actually playing something, it'll have whittled down into the handful of people who've psychologically held up the prospect as worthwhile. I'll also get to demonstrate a level of “cool,” in projecting I don't give a shit one way or another, and not as though my entire existence and potential for friendship or companionship rides on the weather. (I'm hearing echoes of the panic and lament the impact from the weather has had on getting my house completed.)

I need to find ways to release the cobbled dust of my best laid plans into the wind more regularly. For reasons I've, for many years, been unable to simply “fix” or refrain from engaging in, I get deeply invested, at least bodily, to the point of the jaw clenching and stomach dropping and compulsion to run outside and crash test the grass and sand to really feel like circumstances beyond my control are the reason you have an hour or two of your Saturday back. To be sure, I'm probably going to make a drive-by of the park at some point today, silently praying it's too muddy.

Once you put all of the internal strife aside, how to address the kind of confusion and resentment for the people who sign up, but never respond to emails? In this scenario, you're literally across the aisle from them, and they won't tell if they're down to play. The hodgepodge of hardly-enthusiasm doesn't seem to bode well for the endeavor. I've seen as well people grow to resent “being included,” preferring you to have read their intentions in their lack of response or buy-in over time, grasping at the straw of their initial interest.

This is all really just reminding me why I've developed a kind of dickish tough skin. People compel me to walk into situations with a “no skin off my ass” attitude, hand in hand with the insistence, creative work-arounds, and over-explanations for how things could or should run. What's the alternative? Lazily accepting or dismissing whims of fancy? And to know that people broadly feed off your enthusiasm and organization while blithely projecting they could take it or leave it as just another thing! It's a mindfuck how to go about leading or starting something if you don't have the vision and coping skills. I don't want to look like I've given up too easily, aren't organized, didn't really mean kickball when I said kickball, or am not taking myself seriously. I also don't want to act like you don't care or have your own lives and concerns, so there's always a reason you're blowing off the email. Is kickball the arena where you're allowed to accept less from other people than you would from yourself?

Shit, there's another great hidden layer of conflict. How can you conduct yourself honestly, and not feel obligated to certain kinds of reactions and behaviors? If I “really” want people to play, shouldn't I find palliative ways to insist? If I “really” would rather cancel the whole idea and just invite a couple out to drink, shouldn't I send a frank and dismissive email citing lack of interest and naming those who've betrayed the whole endeavor? This is about not shitting where you eat though. This is extra credit once the homework is done. It can't be a necessary leg to continue what I'm doing. If I relegate it to after-thought status, I can cope with objectionable behavior. That's the coping secret and reminder more broadly. I'm an after-thought. It'd be more useful were I not forged of defiance.