[775] Super Bull

I'm amused and don't know that I'll be able to articulate this in any way that will capture it all, but here's a shot.

I was asked, “Don't you think it's weird that you have a plan that involves self-banishment?”

I said, “No, my life's been trending that way for years. I want to create and pretend to help things in my own way bred from deep resentment and distrust for how life seems to operate in general. You can't behave that way and think you're going to get along particularly well with a social species in the regular framework.”

Sooner or later, they all leave. This has been as loud a trope you could paint my life with as anything else. The torrent of cliches fill in the gap. “We grew apart,” “I've changed for the better,” “That's the old me,” “I deserve better,” on and on until you've knitted yourself the coziest coat of excuses and self-affirmations imaginable. It is the night and day, black and white, yes or no in whether or not you're willing to take responsibility for your feelings or blame them on someone else.

As such, when my relationships “break,” there's consistent themes. They want me to be something I'm not. I offer to be more like that thing. They resent the offer. They'll ask me what their plan going forward should be with regard to what to do with me. I refuse to play along or be condescended to.

I cannot fix you. I can barely keep me on a consistent page with hundreds of anchors in writing. I suppose it's the degree of compounding hatred that's hard to conceive of when the first block starts to slip. Say you marry someone and it makes sense because of the math. You've got the years on the table, the romantic memories of your dating, they check boxes related to your family or looks. So you lock it in. Someone shifts. That's the nature of things. You get to a point where you start asking yourself, “What was I thinking?” The dates are less magic. The conversations less exciting. Their behavior, be it from their own stress or self-involvement, suggests to you the situation has dramatically changed.

That's when the dragging up of things from the past comes in. That's when the, “Well I certainly don't feel like I'm to blame for that” statements get traded. “I never meant,” “I don't think you're appreciating,” “I've got my own problems,” Where were you when?” until you've produced the finest self-sabotaging silk slip-over to help keep your racing heart contained in your chest.

I'm told I'm consistent. If nothing else, I'm still me, infinitely annoyingly so, while everyone else is getting “mature” and old and “more reasonable.” More power to them. If I wanted anything to do with that, I'd pick that. If I thought they could contribute in more than errant dollar amounts or occasional laughs at the party, I'd make bigger asks and offers. None of those things are true though. People are right where they are. I, and those who show up from time to time, are the reason I get anywhere I actually want to in life. I will be that person in a field. I will be that person with $1000 or $100,000 in the bank.

Others? I don't know who they'll be without the dollar designation. I don't know who they'll be without “the love of their life.” I don't know what their interests will be if their job doesn't pan out or they get sick or they get disillusioned. I don't know anything about anyone else except that when I draw the remotest satisfaction or presume to have a plan or understanding, that's what they're willing to latch onto and turn into a problem for them. Cool. I'll force myself out. Fine. I'll take responsibility for the shitty place I go to when I reflect on that behavior, and turn it into play and opportunity I'll be under no obligation to share.

We're all treacherous spirits. That I wear mine on my sleeve doesn't make me wrong, doesn't mean I've lost my utility, and you'd think would suggest I'm capable and willing to be a vengeful God. We're all doing the math regarding the relationships in our lives and we're all trying to map the future with the most perks. Well, sort of. Most are doing it by playing the horse race of individuals in their lives that suggest a certain amount of money or looks they can play off of. I'm basing it on the amount of opportunities I can give myself to fail or profit through my individual effort. If I ask you to do something for me, I offer to compensate it. I don't rely on the “unspoken bond” with anyone beyond my dad, which harks to my posture regarding what it means to be a parent and why I'm not one.

In any event, I cannot put voice to the joy of the idea of having and owning my own thing. It's not something “pure” of any negotiated reality nor exists somehow independent of our collective world, but the nature of the chains becomes more manageable. The problems I want to have need to be further down than “I gotta pay the bills!” I won't get into disputes regarding “partners.” I won't ask anything of you that isn't what I've put in. All of the mess and assumptions and resentment (that's really playing the key word role for this round) go right out my window. You know how I act like I don't really need you? I can't wait to hear how you feel when I start showing it in even bigger ways. Of course, I do need you. I need holes dug and walls built and gaps in my knowledge filled all the time. I just need those considerably more than the damage you bring with you to everything else I wish to be or create.

That's not a mean sentiment either. It's the truth as far as my experience. The people that help me, do so because they want to, or they get some kind of gratification in turn upon seeing mine. Others, pretend they're not making a transaction, and get confused and angry when they run out of money or the high doesn't last as long as it used to. My contingency plans assume, they don't hope. They assume you're going to pull out of my life. They assume you're going to throw my habits and preferences into my face. They assume everything is going to burn down and I will be left with no one. In 30 years, the best examples I have to suggest the world doesn't operate like that aren't even remotely enough to suggest behaving differently.