[756] Positivity Doctrine

I think this can be more of a “for the record” kind of reiteration and blurb.

Once again, someone who does not know me and can't help but hear me has used the “n” word about me. (This being the disembodied voice of whomever sits next to Byron's cubicle.) I said some disparaging thing about a piece of shit person doing a piece of shit thing, and the party line was recited. “Think positive! Positivity!” I learned later that she expressed to Byron that my words signaled a red flag for whether or not I would survive in a job like that given the nature of the work and “if he doesn't care” about the people. Byron laughed it off, reassured her he's known me for 20 years, and that my outside gruff exterior is probably just some form of coping mechanism not to be taken too seriously.

Clearly, I still have someone not exhausted yet at the prospect of defending me, but her concern raised a different angle to the question of my “negativity.” She was worried I didn't care. For her, the words mattered more than anything I might accomplish or how I actually feel. There's similarities to how it's usually deployed, but at least this one was literally thinking of the children lol.

I'm learning that the “most negative actually most positive” method of approach to the world is utterly wasted on people at large. Little did she know or care that the person she was talking to, and his supervisor, and the people in our little pod, are all cut from the same cloth. Me, slow to office politics, didn't realize there's a special corner and offices for general comments and sentiments like mine.

The larger giant and most important point remains the same. Whatever I say, and damn knows I can constantly and annoyingly continue to say it, both in spite and celebration of things you never want to talk about, my DOING and general life circumstances are still regal. Have you forgotten I spent a good portion of my time after college sleeping and waking up whenever I wanted? That's as magnificent as cats have it. You know I'm still on the trajectory to having a jokingly small conception of “bills?” I'm too fat. I'm typing this on a big screen from a custom computer loaded with 6 hard drives and plugged into an external power supply just in case I need an extra hour or so if the power goes out. Opulence doesn't begin to describe it.

And every day now I get to interact with people who have roaches, smell weird, struggle to take care of kids, and get put through a system that maybe evenly splits the ones it might help verses exploit. Can you have that much sympathy when my extraneous stuff I've left in a moving van for almost 2 years in a field goes missing? It's immoral and makes you feel vulnerable, but then now aren't I more in line with the general circumstances of the world? Do any of my, often mocked and poorly regarded “problems” ever make the radar? The pants buttons on both of my dress pants popping off? The hassle of returning things to Amazon? My new shoes getting stained? My shampoo running out without time to get more at my hotel?

Nothing, never, that I do will be less than an incredibly rich person making a series of gambles on how he can make even bigger bets and investments. My parents commute/d an hour or more to work every day, and they didn't come back to their paid-off home. When I can actually start stockpiling and investing again, every cent that helped me I'll be able to start turning back out in repaying or whatever else. Mostly, I'll get to celebrate the perspective that taught me I could do a fuck ton beyond merely survive with $500 to $2000 if I did the math and stayed realistic about what life did or didn't owe me.

I don't know man, the prospect of the next economic crash and knowing that I'd have a hard time fucking up my circumstances even if I tried just has me excited. I wish more people could be a part of it. I guess they're too busy being positive and living their best lives.