[538] Heart Attacked

I’m stressing myself out about my map, so I want to explore all the things causing it. This will likely be very specific to the project and perhaps perfectly uninteresting as a “general” thought digression.

I wonder if I’m thinking too hard about it. The irony being, I don’t think I could ask for something simpler. I have examples of significantly more complex maps with functions I want to adopt from. I want things stripped down. The idea is to be able to tell a million different stories with the data plugged into it, but you can’t tell a coherent story with a million “other” data or distraction points nowhere near relevant to the task.

I’m concerned that I’m on the hook of promises and reassurances. I know my programmer is competent. I know the company she’s working for is something of a start up. But, as recent history has informed me, I’m at the mercy of other peoples’ perception of their abilities and capacity to understand me, as well as their honesty or complete lack thereof.

The last time I remember being excited for the project was after the first “correction” was made to what she initially sent me. It was just a white sheet with a map outline of the U.S. I was ecstatic. It looked like a whiteboard ready for me to push pins in it, plug widgets into, and mold into what I needed.

The next iteration that popped up looked like that whiteboard had been put through a “sure, but LET’S MAKE IT LOOK COOL!” engine and it had more options, places to look, click, and scroll through that I didn’t ask for. I can only assume the things are partially related to a generalized long-term vision related to previous conversations we’ve had.

Now, that “general map” is hosted and updates I’m not quite sure of may or may not make it to me before I get into another study that will keep me from doing anything meaningful with it for another 3 weeks. I started this project 3 or 4 months ago? With a whole host of pauses and confusions that had nothing to do with my willingness to explain or ability to pay.

I’ve been talking about it for so long, I feel like a total asshole. I’m so insanely fucking stressed out about playing with it and actually seeing the things I’ve asked for put into it. I haven’t seen but one, the massive strip down, consequence that I recognize is my message getting across. I’ve been told literally everything I’ve asked for is straight forward and easily enough put in. Where is it? Where’s my search box? Where’s my drop down menus? Where’s my ability to navigate to files and upload them from a spreadsheet? Why do I have 700 backlogged articles and not one of them is represented on the map? Why does it take 20 fucking seconds for a mini panel of options to load or some filter (again that I don’t want even on the page at this stage) to be applied? You know what didn’t take 20 seconds to load? The whiteboard with an outline of the U.S. on it.

That’s sort of my biggest issue. The logistics of coordinating the different pieces of information I want to put on the map are going to be hard enough. If I can’t even streamline the logical pipeline of how to input, access, and display the information, there’s little hope for finding hidden correlations or making meaningful connections amidst a thousand data points marginally related to a physical location on a map.

I want a mind map. That’s what is occurring to me as this develops. I want something to mirror what I’m reading but to be able to access it in a fluid way that helps with recall. I want a physical compiler of my hours spent reading so I’m not half-assedly remembering some fact or digging through years worth of NPR articles to find the one superintendent that I want all superintendents to be aware of. The joke is that I could likely do what I want with note cards and a large wall. I could just compile sticky notes from various books.

I have nothing. I have nothing to do, nothing I find value in, and can achieve nothing of merit or worth but to find a purpose and intention in the exercise of my brain. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING WORK. Let me work. Let me have something to fucking play with so I can stop going out to eat and getting drunk alone. Give me a hard and fast date that I can rely on.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I need something to go right for fucking once that isn’t predicated on self indulgence. Even that is failing! Fucking Green Day got sick and I’m stuck with expensive ass tickets I don’t know if I’ll be able to sell or make the new date that hasn’t been announced. I’m living in perpetual failure. Nothing I do and no one I talk to seems to be able to respond to me or be relied upon. I’m not even trying to be hyperbolic. I feel like I’m living some karmic payback for being a mass murderer in a past life or something.

I’m genuinely in crisis mode people. I’m worried I’m going to break down. I don’t know what it will look like, but I think it will involve part of my skull cracking. I’m tired of watching TV. I’m tired of yelling into the ether. I’m tired of being told yes when you mean no. I’m sick of the prevailing lies used to shit all over my life and intention. I’m going fucking crazy that nothing feels real. Nothing is helping. No one is helping. I’m alone losing my mind because there is no place for me and what I want to create.