* Blah blah danger. Yada yada news.
* Top guy did stuff bottom guys didn't so much like. In THEIR end-o amiright?
* Foreseeable tragedy ironically investigated.
* People find purpose in lifting derailed train car from body.
* Science makes blanket claim about health that science refuted yesterday. Science will save us. Science will be our undoing.
* Faithful person does inherently contradictory things but rad youths find it cool.
* Nihilist gets on with it.
* Movie with explosions and beautiful people set to debut every minute of your waking life.
* Sense of purpose found, immediately subjected to scrutiny.
* Dogs move up on list of best animals to distract yourself. Dogs recently replaced by birds. Birds reign short-lived, cats back on top.
* Comedian makes an observation, confirms senses still operational.
* Creative process influenced by any number of things, but drugs didn't hurt.
* If at first you don't succeed, try try again to invent a cliché to replace this one.
* Didn't he ramble? Who's asking? How much is it worth to you?
* Vacation ends in tragedy.
* Child unable to stop crying, knows what it's in for.
* Virus hits the shores of poorer people than you.
* Children reported dead ten minutes after completion of novel on overpopulation.
* Man develops complex to run the free world. Women, in their infinite wisdom, decide on same complex.
* Pressure to complete project persistently avoids bowels.
* Educated liberal sure does write a lot.
* Savant cow looks down on humans unable to *just moooo*.
* Ancient Chinese proverb re-imagined in 3D.
* Fight that somehow never really began manages to never get resolved.
* Memory plays same old tricks, forgets it's done so.
* Words narrowly used to escape understanding.
* Social media my ass.
* Opinion wildly off the mark, relaunch in 3...2...1.
* Meteor gets in own way, needs time to think about what to impact.
* Denial wins the day.
* One liner's obituary.
* Upon completion of tower suicide club emits new vigor.
* Hurt feelings cured in death. Death now sponsored by Oprah.
* Slammed door wonders what it ever did to deserve this.
* Emergency vehicle driver repeats the word “emergency” out loud so many times it loses all meaning.
* Eyes beg to be shut, mouth smirks.
* Washer and dryer give each other knowing glances.
* Words written with magic erase marker appear to be saying something.
* Knowledge retained from college amounts to capacity for suspicion.
* Authority issues retraction without oversight.
* Power broker refuses to floss.
* Gardner sows seeds of revolution. Plot foiled by ingenious rabbits.
* Discovery set to change how we view everything, naked mole rats get reality show.
* Chance to volunteer opportune moment to feel good for first time in and there it went.
* Nah nah nah I can't hear you, but I can't escape my own voice.
* Tragedy really not so bad after awkward teenage years.
* Commentator can't really believe he's getting away with it.
* Questions arise, motivation to answer them given to Joe. Nobody likes Joe, dislike selves more.
* Fight breaks out between mature man and even more mature man with better spelling.
* Facebook sold to Fisher Price.
* Company avoids responsibility, says words are poor medium for explanation of their actions.
* Oversight committee member breaks glasses, also deaf.
* Broken legs desperately try to persuade mind this spot is as good as any to die.
* Cliff corners market on things careening.
* Unshakable faith in ghosts belies peasant claim to land.
* Lack of structure praised for new levels.
* Crying, remixed.
* Gut bacteria swears it hears voices.
* Phone battery knows who's really in charge.
* Feminists get into argument, again.
* Cartoonist takes a year off apocalypse prediction.
* Muslims express they may be getting an unfair sheik.
* Hung jury fucks defendant.
* Joke falls flat, immortalized as meme.
* Money used in way you'd definitely never use money.
* Accusations confirm suspicions invented that moment.
* Recognizable name still alive, doing things.
* Light bulb ambivalent about sun.
* Idea refuses to give up source.
* Trip confirms new country inhabited by people, has weather.
* Monument erected to honor spite.
* Spike Lee insists, “it's a black thing.”
* Andrew Ross Sorkin humbly explains his limitations for over an hour.
* Speech writer mouths words and works puppet.
* Union votes for benevolent dictator.
* Time fills wound with maggots.
* In struggle for scoop, reporter blows Clinton.
* Video game promises colors, movement.
* Word “quantum” used completely inappropriately.
* Series to explore complicated relationship to itself.
* Guest star pops back into own universe.
* Kite 'totally stoked' for hurricane season.
* Porn stash burned in fire crotch.
* Suicide note promises answers on page 47.
* Test confirms 1 in 5 bubbles 'unpoppable.'
* Writer breaks pencil, emotionally.
* Cop shoots kid to “see what all the fuss was about.”
* Dog bites man, man forgives, dog does not.
* Noise pollution reaches 450 ppm.
* Animal going extinct campaigns for right to die.
* Absurd timing and privilege inducted to Hall of Fame.
*Job that matters says it cannot be created nor destroyed.
