Let me get the good stuff out of the way. This gentleman is extremely hospitable. He will give up his comfy chair, he will offer you the finest high end alcohol from the places he has traveled. He will perpetuate any and all degrees of small talk that you could ask for. As a person, you'd think to yourself “he was raised right.” As I'm concerned this will devolve into a kind of “shit-all-over-him” fest, I want to at least make room for the idea that I don't mean to attack this person or that they're somehow the worst.
It's just that there's character traits that you have to spend a lot of time adjusting yourself to better get along with. Sure, this could be said about anybody, especially me, but then you're talking a difference of awareness and roots. Let's just sure this up with examples.
If you're his guest, you will be offered shots or tastings of the finest whiskey your heart could desire. But, accompanying every tasting is the price of every bottle and the lengths in which the brewers went to extract this particular gem. If you felt even the slightest urge to say it's not for you, that feeling would only be expressed at your peril. Who would turn their nose up at a $100 bottle of hand-picked named top 5 in the world this year by Cigar Aficionado whiskey? An asshole, that's who. So you of course remain polite, sip slowly, and describe it as “exquisite.” Not that it wasn't, but if it tasted like donkey ass, your behavior would still be the same.
I want to stress, from his point of view, he's being a superb host. He really wants you to enjoy yourself and have a good time. And there is absolutely no knocking him for this. It's just, he really wants that awe or appreciation from you.
“A man's man” takes what I would consider an inflated pride in things like exclusiveness or price tags. It's not the errant flippant nature of someone with too much money who casually suggests you get drunk, busts out a bottle where there's 5 in the world left of it, and mixes it with knock-off Coke because “he just never liked the taste of Coke” oblivious to the apparent faux pas. You must know how much it cost, where it came from, and the gold he's bestowed upon you.
But sure, that's a little uncomfortable, but you're getting nice ass liquor out of the deal, so shut up and drink, right?
Yet it goes farther. The issue is pride. Where and how you take pride seeps out. He's a man's man, so he works with his hands. He's got 12 years experience working on houses or different projects. His new job sends him all over the country, maybe eventually the world to consult. He'll make sure to point out he's getting paid for his knowledge (ehem, unlike those of us who get paid for our looks) and his important stature.
So when I casually state that I think I'd like to build my own house, he feels he's got a stake in the game. When I try to downplay where I'm at in my, very humble, very meager, very “still googling” stage of an idea, it will be met with a sort of condescending dismissive “it sounds like you're trying to undersell how big a deal this is” attitude. That is, that's exactly what he said to me, along with, “I'd like to see the kind of house you build with your 'tv knowledge.'”
I claim no expertise or experience. I also tried to speak to the idea of calling people, and learning, and planning. But, that doesn't matter. This is his thing. Don't pretend you're able or even flirt around the edges unless you can spike the conversation with technical terms and time served. My idea, in his view, “sounds like a pipe dream.” No matter people have been building sustainable houses for longer than either of us have been alive and the technology is constantly improving. That's not what's at issue. I fucked up and dared tread into his realm.
Now, I can understand having pride in what you do. But, I've been in positions of personal experience in the company of someone who thought of doing something similar to me, and didn't reflexively try to make them feel small. Say you talk to me about opening a business. I'll ask you questions about property taxes, insurance payments, and marketing. I won't say, “whoa there buddy! This is a BIG DEAL, you haven't really thought this through, let me take this opportunity to shuffle you back to your place.” I got a mini exploration of what banks will and won't lend for, a nice aside for someone who wouldn't take on the project if I had to get a loan; this a point summarily ignored several times.
But the man's man is modeled after guys of old. Their identity is their job. Their value and worth is in understanding something “your pretty little head” doesn't need to be worried about. It's uncomfortable. It's built-in rudeness and condescension.
Do I have the first hand appreciation of 12 years of being involved in some trade or another? Of course not. Can I approach this problem like you approach absolutely anything you haven't done yet? Duh. You plan, you ask questions, you budget, and you learn. What response do I get when I say “hey, maybe if you ever get free I'll hire you to help consult.” “Weeelllll, my times getting pretty valuable now...” Like, even the offer to “bow to the king” is poo pooed away because he's well beyond my price tag...in his mind. Lest we bring up that what I want to do isn't even remotely related to ways in which he's familiar with building.
I disagree with absent-mindedly or matter-of-factly dismissing people. Whether you're the prideful man's man who thinks I'm naturally the asshole for having an idea to work on a massive undertaking, or just the general mindless chatter you hear about “well he can't win” from know-nothings about Bernie Sanders, it's so fluid it's practically nauseating. No one stops to think they're wrong. They never wonder why they're so comfortable shitting on things they know nothing about. They're deaf and blind to every concession because the point or idea raised doesn't register as having any merit to begin with.
And so I leave feeling spiteful. Like I want to put together an immensely comprehensive plan and slap him across the face with my money and just really hope we get our dicks out to fight to the death because that's surely where this has to go.
It's just a simple massive insecurity. And it manifests in an aggressive passive aggression. It tends to overshadow the fine whiskey and comfortable rocking chair. It's the same gentleman who felt compelled to put my lumberjack-esc friend in a headlock to the point of nearly choking him out to prove something about the insignificance of their size difference upon our first ever meeting.
I want more out of someone who, by all accounts, works hard and strives to be something. Maybe to have a little more respect for the world outside of his braggadocio. I shouldn't have to milk out words of encouragement after you've had the chance to learn me good. Of course I have much to learn. Of course I'm bound to fuck things up. But talking with people like him is where some people find every excuse for their dreams to die. I hope we can do better in seeing the difference between wise words of encouragement and caution, and brazen borderline mockery. And I hope I can stop holding it against people, when I know they're only expressing symptoms of much larger issues that maybe have little to do with them personally.
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