[399] Wherever I Belong

I want to speculate for a bit.

I wonder if there's a more desperate air taking over. Given that I reserve most of my vitriol for 5 am rants that maybe a handful of people read, I'm going to try and not take it personally how almost everyone I've engaged with over the last few weeks seems, more often than not, angry with me.

I think there's a time frame you can attach to stagnation. Say you move into a new house, excitement brimming, new places to explore. But, maybe 5 or 6 months in a kind of truth starts to creep in. It could be something simple like the reality of your new job or friendships sucking. It could be that for some reason you're starting to look at yourself and think you're getting old, fat, or not getting enough sleep. It could just be that you don't even have anyone to talk to about your ill-defined feelings.

I know there's a kind of perpetual stress when you adhere to a “normal” schedule. When you have a job or want to claim some kind of group, you're always in politics mode. Not only are you investing in your future and you have to remain diligent even in just getting up in the morning, but you have to keep all the little bridges in tact. I wonder if these bridges are getting you anywhere. What are you being accountable to?

I know that I stress out about, maybe more so in previous months than lately, about the kinds of examples I'm setting. Are you just another de facto adult? Does that leave you content? I realize more and more that I was most happy when I was convinced of my own “bullshit” so to speak. The more I thought people gave a shit about how smart I could be or what I could accomplish in business, well, why would one ever want to frown?

So if I drop the pretense, call everything I do as worthwhile as what anyone else is, it's a significantly less reassuring place. I think this means, at least for people like me, that I want to believe in “more.” I think I've simply caught myself asking “why” way more often.

Say I hold no respect for passive aggressive candor. Why am I trying to create a world in which the people I receive it from would likely be the first to prosper? It's not like I have the patience at this point to go and make new friends. If I don't respect naïve conceptions of how or why I do things, why am I appealing for more of those assessments? Am I? Or am I looking to be surprised? I probably just want a surprise.

I don't know man, jobs end and smug happiness is fleeting. The idea that there's some kind of top of a pyramid that you can inhabit is an illusion. And it shouldn't be the first place you run to when you're feeling super insecure or full of resentment.

I honestly think that having dwelled for so long sort of doing nothing and sounding like I'm not grateful for my time and freedom has made people forget about all the other stuff I'm not saying. But being mean doesn't have to accompany the deconstruction, I think. For the time being I should probably just refrain from drinking too heavily.

In any event, maybe it's about an erosion of trust. Things you trusted about yourself, your habits, your friends, your plans. Maybe when time gets too heavy it makes your legs shake and knees buckle. Maybe that process has accelerated so mid 20's can step up and take over for mid-life crises.

I've been debating taking my most pessimistic insights and drawing up predictions to seal into a time capsule. I don't know why little exercises like this make me think I'll feel a kind of relief or elation, but the idea still provokes me. It might be just a form of coping. Anticipating to the best of my estimation where to hammer the finishing nails. I'm probably just butt-hurt about wanting more than people are willing to give. I talk so stupidly much about “understanding.” And given how ridiculously hard this seems to be to achieve, I guess people default to “respecting differences.” I don't respect and I'm unconvinced we're that different.