Do you even fucking realize? I want to
be blatant. I want to be belligerent. I’m seeking to be called out
on all my shit and then some. I need fuckers who appreciate where I’m
coming from. We are privileged. We have to worry about statistically
nothing. Does this compute?
Where do my goals come from? Why do I
say things like, “I want the world, if only to fall marginally
short and just end up with Europe or something.”? What the hell
kind of personality do you have to have to make it justifiable to
want to change the world? I think I’m just a sick, ever so sick,
egomaniac that will die with his ideal just like every other fucker
who’s thought themselves insightful.
What happens when I give up? What does
it mean when I literally only strive for money via the social
manipulation that makes it manifest? What happens when I take all the
intent I have for the world and boil it down to something simple like
greed? I’m so fucking desperate for conversations on the level of
why these aren’t worth it.
The ever going problem and blessing (so
to speak) is that I know just how much is possible. Possible. Not
guaranteed. Not some pact between smart people waiting ever dormant
for the “right” moment. I just simply know what the fuck can
happen and how. It drives me fucking insane.
I want to be cool about it. I want to
play things off. I want to pretend just like the rest of the world.
I’m still fucking sick. I’m fucking plagued by it. I can’t just
forget. I think it’s the reason I can justify the kind of terrible
person I could be. These are unpleasant thoughts.
In more ways than one, I want what I
already have. I want no less for the random billions of people I’ll
never get to know. I have no fucking clue why I would or could give
even give the ever loving fuck for someone so random like that, but I
do. I fucking hate it.
I just want your moments to count. I
want you to be reminded of who you were in relation to who you are
now or could be. I don’t want it to be such an endless struggle. I
don’t want it to be sad. I have no fucking idea how I’m to go
about this.
Pathetic bullshit rant aside, just
know that I feel hopeless while knowing I have all the potential in
the world.
At this point I’m hardly convinced I
shouldn’t say “fuck it” and roll with whatever, whenever.
