I think as long
as people either refuse to change, or choose to be hopelessly slow in
doing so, I’m going to make myself more comfortable with treating
them how I feel about them “instinctively.” Now, I’m not so
naïve as to think that feelings are the governing factor, I’m just
instead putting more stock in others’ perceivable actions. The
flurry of thoughts that get me to make that “off” joke or that
semi-condescending look will just have to hide a bit less. I have a
lot of trouble trying to resolve myself on how to assess people. As
long as I don’t want to project helplessness, fear, and such an
overactive ego as to suppose I can’t be wrong, I’ll have to find
myself impossible to accept it in turn.
I want to stress that it’s not
because I want to be mean. It’s because I don’t want to condone
ignorance and excuses. There’s so much about our culture that more
than bugs me, and it tends to put me on the outside. This is perhaps
another thing I need to better resolve myself to. I’m not lonely,
but I do think I’m alone. Much of what I do makes this a deliberate
position. I do it because I think it keeps me honest. I think I
engage in so many conversations with people because I’m ever
searching for more objectivity. More respect for an objective
standard than a comforting credo. For every person I think may hint
at this understanding of reality, I also engage with, overhear, or am
forced to be made aware of hundreds who don’t have a prayer.
I find every time I try to define
myself, it comes up lacking. I tout phrases like “on the level,”
“real,” “objective,” or “deliberately aware.” The deeper
I dig into the arbitrary whys, they start to fall by the wayside. I
think ultimately I’m just trying to point to things, illuminate, or
expand upon necessary or obvious circumstances. When someone is sad
or struggling with some issue, I don’t need a super computer brain
to come up with “cosmic gems” of advice about relationships or
your capacity.
Things have patterns. I forgo delving
into some psych profile about one of my friends because I’ve had
enough all react in foreseeable ways to the information. Double blind
exists for a reason. I bar myself from “caring too much” because
anticipating the letdown is more fulfilling and meaningful than
perpetuating what I can only perceive as a child’s dream. What’s
more self-fulfilling though? Allowing something to happen, or
deliberately acting in defiance? Couldn’t such an opportunity lie
between two people who’ve reached this same impasse?
I think my biggest problem is not
really knowing how to make people genuinely happy. I know how to give
people everything they need and “want” and know exactly how to
watch them get bored with it. I know how to watch people revel in
their “disease” or “love” or personal heartache, not so
presumably, because it makes them the center of the universe. I don’t
like to believe that people like to cry or struggle or be illogical,
but nothing about what they generally say or do speaks to any other
reality. “Logic” is a standard of personal responsibility, not a
zero-sum game between your feelings and mind.
