[198] Right Wing Nazis

Thursday, August 20, 2009 at 11:01pm

Friends, brethren, lend me your ears...or um, eyes...for I sense a disparity in our species. There is a tendency for the same kinds of behaviors and views to be shared by different groups of people. Vague right? Well, money grubbing, culture warrior, religious nut, anti-gay marriage, anti-abortion, naughty word hating, anti-sex, drug criminalizing, gun toting, death penalty supporting asshole tends to conjure up a specific sort of stereotype. And given that I tend to side liberally, I'll refrain from tying together an equally damning but representative chain of overly liberal standpoints. What I want to know more about is, why. Why are there usual suspects and usual positions to people who all hold relatively the same views about the same subjects? I'm not talking about the people who call themselves religious and have leftist views, and I'm not talking about a staunch Democrat who voted for McCain. I want to know why red and blue even exist.

The obvious thing is the start from the religious standpoint. But a person had to come first before they were infected with that disease. What kind of person is it who would be so vehemently opposed to policies and actions that can be proven to work, or worse, actively destroy and disrupt what they were put in place to serve? This I feel is the heart of the "stupidity." I don't have to guess that reasonable people, whether they agree with my "philosophical" points or not, can hear me explain an issue and at the very least understand why I hold it. I don't just rant off a list of things I hate, say you should hate them too, and we go off happily into the night. Here watch, I'll even give you an example.

Take the death penalty. I'm against it. The system we have in place sends disproportionate levels of black people to sit on death row. We have prosecutors that withhold evidence for the sake of sending innocent men to death row, and we have confirmed that in fact innocent people have been put to their deaths. A frequented reason like "it deters future murders" has been shown to be so patently ridiculous, it's insulting to hear someone even bring it up. And finally, as a society, I think the messages we send are more powerful than people want to openly acknowledge. When you kill someone, it is about power. I don't want any "group of my peers" feeling or thinking for a second they have the authority or right to play with a life. That is supposed to be the reason we call the murderers the bad guys.

Now, this plays into the idea of justice. Would I want someone dead who killed my loved one? No doubt, but that loved one is gone. They reduced me to their depravity. I might beat them to within an inch of their life, but I'd rather them have to spend the rest of theirs in servitude and captivity, which incidentally our system can't do right either. Hell, and for shits and giggles maybe they can string them up for me to beat on down the line, despite how little this does stifle aggressive feelings. I can say confidently I don't have a short-sided view and know for a fact that other reasonable people can at the very least understand. What makes the right-wing Nazi's, so named, unable to do the same? How is one comfortable with halting their "reasoning" at " an eye for an eye?" Why are anti-abortionists never the ones who know more than how to print out big botched pictures? Why are anti-drug and sex people always the ones who should be working on getting fucked and high the most? Instead of learning, just complaining, and they drag our society down with them.

What cures self-loathing and deceit? I've come up with an overabundance of correct information. So much information that were you to try and ignore it you'd force your head to explode. There's support, but who want's to spend any time around the asshole trying to restrict their lives and control them though? It's no surprise that people who are introduced to all the "taboo" things early do tremendously well at acting maturely and handling them. Is it just too late to introduce these people into a mellowed out worldview? The problem gets worse though. You can't just show someone a door that admittedly has steps behind it and walk away. What cures laziness? You have to find it in yourself to know how to support what you say and make a reasoned statement. You have to be prepared to do more than defend your position on Fox news (you crazy random bitches......Ms. California, dining room table woman, "awakened the sleeping giant" woman, Michelle Bachmann.....none of whom deserve a place at the kid's table, let alone a national news syndicate.

Why is the government so fucked? You, idiot America. Your representatives have the same character flaws, same naive passions, same hatred for life and freedom that you do. Religious nut bags who bring their bigoted and petty grievances to places of power pretending it doesn't boil down to making money through exploitation and social engineering. You allow the media to play you. You refuse to find out for yourself. You refuse to stand up for the things you really do want, and would markedly improve human welfare, and you let them win. The only reason there are "two sides" in every debate is because we enable the know-nothings.

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Updated about 6 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Aaron Kunkle and Chris Hansel like this.

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[197] Maneuverability

Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 10:46pm

"You can't prove he didn't do it!"

This nugget of "reasoning" is so frequently used that despite what I'm sure I've said about it before, I'm going to engage in another diatribe about how ridiculous and pointless it is. The initial obvious thing to state is, you can say this about anything. You can't prove that an invisible Santa Claus army doesn't roam the skies Christmas Eve, delivering presents that manifest in your house, along with the magic dust making your parents believe they actually bought them. You can't prove we're not the product of an advanced alien simulation machine. You can't prove a strictly orange juice diet doesn't cause cancer in cats. None of those sentences amount to anything for the same reason, and it's not because they are hard to conceive. Usually when this is employed in the media it's met with the opposition just kind of staring at the person who said it. It's depicted as a "gotcha!" moment, when it should be ridiculed for how badly it makes the defendant look.

This is employed when they are on the defensive, when they have nothing left to say, and when they try to equate their exposed lack of a reasonable position with yours. It's like two monkeys who are in a fight, one slinging crap all over the other (the "good" arguments degrading and making the other monkey look and smell bad). The other monkey subsequently flings some the shit collecting on it's face back and proclaims, "HA! Now you look like me too!" Poor, poor monkey. But people are quick to fling shit as well. They comfortably do the same thing and everyone in the room stands in awed silence at the bastard's "ingenious maneuver." Why? People are dumber than monkeys. It's not even dignified enough to be labeled as an excuse. An excuse implies that there was even a reason, albeit usually a bad one, that they did something. No, this is employed purely out of desperation and panic. It's a shift of blame to the guiltless party.

At the very least it's annoying, and at it's most, it's a proclamation to the damming of reasoning and responsibility of those with the burden of proof. But let's switch gears a little. How and why would we get to the point of endorsing this behavior, and why are we so quick to ignore or not recognize when it's imposed? Who is teaching us to be this way?

Talk about bad parenting. This applies to more than one's inability to formulate an argument. I recently got done working for the band at my high school. Why do the instructors say "in a few years the band may be good enough to reach this or that level"? The theory I'd suggest is the area and upbringing of the kids. If you come from a household that didn't aspire to anything more than a middle class household in an increasingly degrading area, then you get to a sport that requires aggression, passion, and competence, the skills have to be beaten into you because they aren't already there. More than half of the band is in 8th grade or a freshman and they have half the amount of kids that were there when I was marching. I'm certainly not outright bashing the kids or anything so don't mistake my meaning, I'm just trying to wrap my head around how the instructors feel compelled to double speak, and the kids come across as lazy and unable, when clearly neither need nor should be the case.

And given that the kids aren't just lazy and unable, it's a sick irony to hear "if you guys just do this, we believe you'll get to semi-finals, finals, etc." They know your lying, you know your lying, but somehow both of you still believe it! Why? It's the practical reality of seeing and being there everyday fighting against the potential you know you can live up to, that's never been reinforced or manifested in clear and supportive ways. There are many individuals on the field who could march corps, and some kids who barely get their feet in time a quarter of the time. Everyone is reduced to the level of their weakest participant. All the effort is wasted if you can't persuade them they are doing it for themselves. Then in that instant you bring up how important the scores are. Conflicting?

So is there a way to tie together bad reasoning, bad marching, and bad parenting? It's all a lack of personal responsibility. As a parent, you let your flaws bleed over, literally, into your kids. As young adults you have little recourse or inclination to identify and fix those flaws because closed minds don't perceive any consequence. Then as a potential decision maker and example setter you're trust into a world of which the majority you don't agree with, and react in the same way an unmotivated, small-minded, and scared child would.

[196] Straight Religion

Sunday, August 16, 2009 at 4:59am

How often do you find the opportunity to challenge your various beliefs? I've been on a relative marathon of Penn and Teller's Bullshit. Things I thought would be great grounds for running a business on and for are proving to be good for the wrong reasons. Not least of which have been a green agenda and recycling. Basically, anything regarding the environment I have managed to make less convincing to myself. For example, it isn't a myth that there is global warming, but how exactly is the impact calculated? There's talk of the holes in the atmosphere, melting ice, etc. but what studies can you point to that show more than correlation? When you factor in that the extinction of species has been close to a hundred percent before carbon emissions, our atmosphere can handle the highest solar flares and radiation, and, though when you hear it used in a context of global warming deniers it sounds ridiculous, there are many natural process, like cows shitting, that amount to more atmospheric damage than all cars and buses combined. I'm going to explore more of what I'm taking away from this series.

A religion can be made out of anything. This is an idea I don't think I've appreciated enough. Every episode has the kind of "stupid" people who do "stupid" things and have "stupid" followers on it's surface. What I see is people who have found an ideology, and stuck with it for good personal reason. And when I say good personal reason, I mean of course within the context of their nominally functioning brain they've managed to recognize and prosper from a source that keeps them alive and presumably happy, not that they can apply reason and facts to support or even articulate why and what it is they're doing. Every industry one of these people is a part of, be it conspiracy theories, green shit, new age medicine and the like, is a multi-billion dollar a year business. These people are the proverbial catholic priest when it comes to the exploiter v the exploited.

So let me try not to get too far ahead of myself. I started with asking about an opportunity to have your beliefs challenged. Had I not watched this show, in about a week I would be home, doing more research and possibly engaging in purchases that helped to document and become apart of the "green" culture. I'd be using meetings to brainstorm about green events and agendas. Now, all of that is thrown into question. Do I think we should take care of the environment, yes, that's no question. Is the information available to us as reliable as previously conceived, are the people in charge of managing places like Bloomingfoods completely informed, and does the impact of generally accepted green practices do what they say they will? At this point, it doesn't seem likely. Considering the time spent already trying to set up meetings and build partnerships, and I don't know if I should feel slightly relieved we haven't gone gung-ho or pissed that it's so hard to find a straight forward and reliable venture. Where is a timeless, trustworthy, easily accessible and activist group that pushes good information all the time and can answer questions without trying to jerk you off?

Could I make money for myself and IU with green agenda things, almost certainly. Is it even remotely moral to have as many questions and doubts about that agenda given what I've learned in the past few days? Can I feel okay with wasting time and effort with the rest of my cohorts as we smile about our "accomplishments" and build lasting examples of how we think the world should run? My whole philosophy gets fucked with when I am running on shitty information. It seems like that's all people are in business for, to propagate their information with utter disregard for whether it is true or not. One of the foundations in the definition of a religion for me. So if I'm relatively keen on finding, picking apart, and bubbling with a resounding frustration and anger towards this practice, how and where can I find myself out of this mess? Why are the other people who at least look like they know and care hidden in ivory towers of academia or ten minute time slots in interviews. Where do the on-the-level mother fuckers congregate and how can they work?

I used to take great solace in TED talks as well. Now, I seem to be watching more talks from people who are simply "famous," in whatever non-specified field their uber-brain is working in, and less from people who can make the kinds of change I agree with. In a conference about technology, entertainment, and design, I don't care nor want to understand your choice to put Rick Warren, Billy Graham, or some mystic talking about how our souls are bound in our creativity and mind of the universe. That's called embarrassing, not entertaining. I wish that more people would find it insulting. We have a culture where people are seemingly so "offended" by stupid shit, but no one gets insulted enough to the point of lifting a finger. I think even the propensity to be offended is when your too heavily grounded in some idea that says otherwise. I say the word fuck loudly and proudly all the time at so many "inappropriate" places, and have yet to see someone burst into flames because of it. If anything, we should all be expressing a torrent of obscenities in the direction of things like incomprehensible and unnecessary taxes, creationists, wall street, Fox, our education system, birthers, and people like Sarah Palin (wait, she just needs a muzzle and pink shot).

We don't though. We are programmed to forget and trivialize those things that would be too taxing on our thoughts. Our throats are massaged until the whole load of bullshit from any ideologue is swallowed. We've given up before we've began, and I don't know the best way to react to that. How we've survived so long only able to discern the basic emotions in peoples' faces, all the while somehow missing all the stupid, is beyond me. Life shouldn't have to be about squeezing what fun, money, and prosperity you can get out of it and other people, it should be a free exchange and tolerance of valuable beings. Instead, we escape into these false worlds and extortionist behaviors, sometimes even without our own volition of what is really going on. And that's not an excuse, it's just a very depressing and demoralizing fact.

I have this perhaps naive idea that there was a time when there were people who stood out for reasons not so easily explained. A usual comment is something like, "he walks into a room and everyone notices" type of thing. Their being. Charisma, honesty, effort, intelligence where just understood in who they were and people knew it. Today, it seems like anybody with a guide book at a crappy store is taught how imitate that for the sake of something without any inherent value. The fact that people ever fall for it undermines that my example is even credible in the first place. I'd like to just think there are other reasons like a general tendency to make bad personal decisions and deafness are what truly plague these people. With so much bullshit, imitation, and distortion, what hope is there? At what point is the only logical thing to do join in the crowd? Well, never, I just figured I'd ask and have on record that despite how shitty I can and will feel about all this, I can't subject myself to the level of despicable fuck it takes to act and think like the people I endlessly ridicule. If I'm the last person that tries to be like the person in my example, so be it, though I'm still "hopeful" the situation isn't that dire.

There's just so much bad information, so many bad people, and so many ways to get lost and disenfranchised. It would take a Google-esc (by way of how big and everywhere it is), undertaking to push good information for good reasons. You'd have to infiltrate everywhere, everyone, and be willing to fight constantly against people who don't deserve their own lives, let alone to engage with yours. If I could even have a chance at being a mere foot soldier in that kind of army...though Supreme Commander wouldn't be bad either. Hmm, time will tell what actually happens.

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Written about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Byron R. Turner II

I like your semi-call to action at the end. Well, I guess it's time to raise a army and head off to war, but if your the Supreme Commander then I want to be the Chancellor of War.

August 16, 2009 at 11:52am ·

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[195] Stupid Can't Save You

Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 7:04am

Before rehearsal today the band "director," or guy who may have taken charge without even realizing it, said how he hated biology and that it was evil. His reasoning? It tells him that he comes from worms. The statement being stomach droppingly ignorant aside, he said it while addressing the seventy band members he was handing drill charts out to. Many interesting things aren't happening in this situation. One, I'm not spouting off insults at how bloody fucking ignorant he is. Two, he isn't caring or checking on how ignorant he in fact is...and why should he? He did just get out of college and all. Three, the majority, hell, all of the kids completely ignored or didn't hear what he had to say so while they won't be swayed to his stupid view, they won't be terribly affected negatively either. When you already exist at a level that has very few hopes for humanity and then start your day with something like that transpiring, it's quite the blow.

Is this what we have to expect from our "learning zones?" Flapping gums, blank stares, and people like me trying to slow their heart rate and debate whether it's more moral to hand him his ass right then or lie in wait for a more opportune moment. If our in shape, educated, job-having, white males are so stupid that they can hate biology because it teaches them "we come from worms," I really can't compose a convincing enough statement about our future. You know what this means. Black people, rise up even farther. I know you got the presidency, but like Chris Rock says, you need to be the white guy who is signing the president's check. Don't believe all those videos showing you guys and the hick white people believing in leprechauns, and just be thankful it's the extra crazy white people and Hispanics who are seeing Jesus in cheese sandwiches and wooden bathroom doors.

Ridicule and realism aren't pessimism. Part of the reason I can even remain remotely happy despite all the bullshit I see is because I'm actually capable of discerning the bullshit and probable ways of fixing or ridiculing it. Your inability to think on my level or handle a discussion about relevant subject matter is not the time to call me anything but correct after you've submitted yourself to Google. I only point this out because I see it as a common trend in peoples' behavior towards me and it's completely misplaced. Perhaps closely tied to this is where people feel compelled to avoid talking about certain things with me. Maybe I have a selective memory, but despite the topic I've never resorted to throwing things, screaming, or actually mind fucking someone into a stroke. Part of the reason I try to read and learn is so I can engage people, not give them an excuse to avoid me. If you think I'd demolish you in a religious discussion, take that as an opportunity to overcome an irrational fear.

I'm fascinated with how "little" we know, and how incapable we are of picking up on the correct ways to interpret ourselves and our world. Combine The Black Swan with Penn and Teller's Bullshit and you get statistical data to back up funny (more sad) personifications of everything wrong with our species. We have some big institutions fighting against the mental handicappers, but in a world of idiots, I fear that all is seen is two opposing sides that somehow need to reach a middle ground. Doctors don't negotiate with cancer. So I say just take the religious and lunatic strategy, or at the very least, give it a spin if only to distort their ranks. Every time there is a town hall meeting with someone screaming something so unbearably stupid you hate yourself for dignifying their presence, send in twenty more hired "assholes" to yell and scream all sorts of other ridiculous shit and ally themselves with the initial retard. When "both sides" of the evolution and creationism "debate" arise, start another battle screaming for both sides of whether the Holocaust happened, and always make sure to stand uncomfortably close to the creationists. At the very least it would be fun for a while.

What bothers me the most is that I see no evidence of people getting better. In a moment you can realize that almost to completely everything you knew about something was wrong and now you can and should proceed down another path. What incentive is there to make people want to screw with their world views? Even the most obscure and ostracized in the social sphere manage to find their way to comic-con or a snuggle party (actually exists). We have room (we don't) for every bad idea and every idiot that wants to keeps them, and not only will they keep them, they will profit from them, they will be self-assured, and they will be insulated from the handful of things that would wrestle it from their minds. And while all this goes on, the vast majority of us with mental faculties and promise will say "let them believe what they want, it's not hurting anybody." This is so exceedingly opposite the time you should choose what you want to see, yet it comes out so fluid and natural.

We don't need any governing body to step in and control our lives. Our dumbass ideas handle things just fine.

[194] Petty "Exercise"

Monday, August 10, 2009 at 2:27am

I have problems, but who doesn't. I don't even have to allude to things I've written years ago for even a modest reader of my blogs to see. I have problems with trust, friendship, how other people "think," how I'm going to obtain what I expect in life, and then a host of all the stupid little things barely worth mentioning. The important thing to remember is that each person can be a context for their problems. There is a either a debilitating or prospective future for any problem if you are capable of handling it. Thus, when I ask someone who alleges to know all my problems, and accuse me of projections and blindness, I expect as many examples as I can give myself. We are our own worse enemies when it comes to that, and I've stated before you're hard pressed to point out, let alone elaborate on, the things "wrong" with me, to the extent I can. So, this is going to be an exercise taking apart and denoting what an empty accusation sounds like. This is going to be a standing example of how you don't tell someone they are wrong or what's wrong with them. I'm all for constructive feedback. I can take a verbal beating, but I will call you on your bullshit when your projections turn into accusations about me. I would urge anybody moved by this to join in and bash me, either agree with the paragraph or me, and maybe even work this out to a happy conclusion. This is purely for my own entertainment and is entirely oriented around me, so I don't really expect you to care to join, but don't feel like you can't. So let's begin.

The paragraph:

"It is quite annoying how you get upset over nothing... And yes it is nothing... Your emotions control you so much that they rush over the little dam you made for them... how you can never own up to what you really did wrong... and how everyone just let's you do that... you have made it so clear to everyone just to enable you... that that is all they do for you... and when one of them actually tells you what is wrong... you wave it away telling them that they know nothing... like you are surely going to do to this... You push people away when they get to close... You makes up reasons to hate them... and leech of of them... You need to be more happy with yourself... because you project a lot... I don't understand a lot of what you say... because you are telling me how i am suppose to feel... And i don't feel that way... You find a way of making someone's feelings about something wrong... Tho that is unreasonable...
And i just hope that you don't ignore this.... I want to be friends with you... but i can see that not happening... and i don't know why.... I haven't hurt you.... i haven't fucked up... i changed my mind.... and don't see how that is wrong because everyone does that.... even you... so... here it is what you wanted... and i gave it to you.... "

The breakdown:

"It is quite annoying how you get upset over nothing...And yes it is nothing..."

When I get truly upset, I write something. If you read what I write, please tell me if when I'm upset it is over nothing. Recall when we interact and assess how often I appear to be unintelligibly upset, and how little I want to share about it. If this line seems correct, please tell me why because I fail to see an example.

"Your emotions control you so much that they rush over the little dam you made for them..."

I'm really at a loss with this one given how little and how long it takes me to express emotions which entail a propensity to control. Things like love, super anger, sadness...the big ones. If you find me consumed by emotions, please elaborate. I tend to remember and have documented the times in my life where I've been overly or unjustly emotional, so referring to isolated instances or complex situations and draping them over the entirety of my personality seems unfair and incorrect.

"how you can never own up to what you really did wrong... and how everyone just let's you do that... you have made it so clear to everyone just to enable you... that that is all they do for you..."

My resounding problem with this is that it entails no example. I find I'm generally the first one to say what I fucked up and am met with a surprise by divulging too much. If you feel we've had some interaction where I was blatantly at odds or wrong and didn't own up to it or try to see your point of view, please tell me. Also, if you've been part of this "everyone" group who enables me to get away with such doosh-baggery, the blame assessment seems to get a bit more complicated. For the record, I don't feel like you enable me in the sense this is being portrayed.

"and when one of them actually tells you what is wrong... you wave it away telling them that they know nothing... like you are surely going to do to this... "

Now, I don't believe I get into the habit of telling people they know nothing, I'm offering this up as way to show what something empty looks like. You may know a lot of things, about me or otherwise. Knowing how to use them against me, not really how I want to word that but..., is another thing. Identifying and focusing on a common problem is rough, but it can be done, and I'd rather be doing that then "dodging" volleys of air. So, if I've told you I think you're wrong about something, did you get the impression I was saying you knew nothing, waving it away as a childish musing unbefitting my ears? I think I even engage tired religious arguments with undeserved vigor still.


"You push people away when they get to close... You makes up reasons to hate them... and leech of of them... "

As stated in my last blog, I said I think I'm a sociopath to the point of self-preservation. When people fuck you, it's logical to push them away. When people cause you stress, have personalities that are in some eternal conflict with yours, or use being close to you as a way to leverage their feelings, I would hope you push them away. Have you tried to get close to me only to have me push you away for no reason or in glaring contradiction of some earlier game or claim I used to make you believe something different about myself? Not sure if I want that one answered if so lol. Another thing is again, the lack of actual examples here. I make up reasons? Which ones? To hate who? Who do you remember me claiming to hate and do you recall why? What does it entail for you and I to be considered "close" in your eyes, and how have I detracted from that? What reasons did I use if I did? Five questions you answer instantly when you provide an example. The only person I would think I "leech" off of, and I don't agree with the word for my example, would be my dad. His settlement pays my bills and provides the foundation for me to get nicer things than most middle class people. I acknowledge and appreciate that, I don't abuse it like a leech.

"You need to be more happy with yourself... because you project a lot... I don't understand a lot of what you say... because you are telling me how i am suppose to feel...And i don't feel that way..."

I can almost pretty much agree with the first part. There are many things I could do to be happier with myself. I don't believe that a reason I would be unhappy is projecting. Again, what do I project and how? Who onto? For what reason? To me, this sounds like because this person who admittedly doesn't understand much of what I say, they project their confusion as my problem. A strategy I don't agree with. If I'm so confusing, so emotional, misguided, and project, please tell me in this shining example of me trying to remain objective and point out how I reason. When and what do I tell you what to feel about? If you have a shitty family for example, do I tell you should be as indifferent to them as they are angry and scornful to you? I'm sorry, I think this is a helpful suggestion, not mandate. Assume I do tell you how to feel even, does this negate your feelings? Does this disable your thought? Hardly. Can someone tell me what this charge amounts to? All I see is an admission that I can state something factually and have someone pissed off at me because they can't feel or practice what's appropriate.

"You find a way of making someone's feelings about something wrong... Tho that is unreasonable...
And i just hope that you don't ignore this.... I want to be friends with you..."

If I'm being nice, this attempt may be regarded as "friendly," but that's it. If I'm so "good" at finding a way to make your feelings wrong, does that say more about me or your feelings? Ask that question about any scenario where you may remember me doing something like this. It is possible to have unreasonable feelings. Take children. Also try to imagine how hard it is to reason with a child who's behaving as such. I don't like to take the anger of someone I've flip the light on about their feelings; it's unfair. A sentence like "i want to be friends with you" assumes you care or understand who it is I am. If you don't, it's annoying and insulting to hear it. And if you're a friend, who has a genuine argument or example for bettering my character, then it shouldn't feel so easy to show how little you're offering.


"but i can see that not happening... and i don't know why.... I haven't hurt you.... i haven't fucked up... i changed my mind.... and don't see how that is wrong because everyone does that.... even you... so... here it is what you wanted... and i gave it to you.... "

And finally, please ask yourself, can you see why this person can't see a friendship happening? Can you empathize with how little I can work or debate about with here. Was there a sudden flood of "damn whoever wrote this got Nick sooo right it's scary?" I think my belief in that is characterized in my putting this up in the first place. This person hasn't hurt me, but I believe they've fucked up. I don't think that fuck up was by virtue of changing their mind. I can say without hesitation this is exactly what I didn't want and it only served to elaborate on what you sound like when you have nothing to say. That goes for anybody.

I believe that by ignoring the message I would be enabling what I consider horrendous "reasoning." I believe I would be playing into a game I don't agree with and only serves to self destruct. The giant glowing and flashing word I take away from all of this is petty. Pettiness that fuels denial, masks the truth, and wastes effort...if you can call all I've written here that much effort. This is all I know how to do when it comes to explaining how I'll be and how I'll think. Am I truly that fucked?

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Written about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Andrei Vajiac

for some reason, this post made me chuckle...
you should know that at least I don't see your emotions breaking through any "dam" pretty much... uh... ever. if anything, even when confronted by an extreme emotion, you do your best to be rational and logical about the situation at hand, so most people don't even realize that you may have strong ... See Morefeelings about what is going on.
as for enabling... i don't feel that i've enabled you to exhibit any bad traits or anything of the sort... i really don't understand where that comment, in particular, comes from
as for projecting, i don't recall any time where you have projected yourself onto me, so at least that can be cleared up a bit
and if you have the ability to make someone think their feelings are wrong, well obviously they weren't really sure about their feelings in the first place. If a simple conversation is able to make you doubt what you hold so dear, then maybe you need to revamp your feelings.

August 10, 2009 at 8:59am ·

Andrei Vajiac

in particular, i love how you make some very religious people start to doubt their own beliefs. not that i have a problem with religion, it's just that too many things are based on bullshit, and you seem to have quite a talent for showing people that. it's a quality i've appreciated about you for a long while.
as for wanting to be your friend but ... See Morenot seeing that happening, well that's a stupid statement, one that i've heard people say to each other many times in many different situations but that has no meaning whatsoever. friendship is a two-way street. if you want to be someone's friend, you can. if you don't, you can't. simple as that. most of the time friendships fail not as a result of a rational, logical problem between the two people, but because of an irrational thought or belief that makes one of the people an idiot. although i don't know the entire situation, and i have no idea who wrote this to you, this seems to be the case here.

August 10, 2009 at 9:05am ·

Andrei Vajiac

don't worry nick, you're not nearly as "fucked" as this message makes you out to be. in fact, you have many redeeming qualities that all the people who are friends with you can attest to and appreciate. that's why we call ourselves your friends.
we all have our problems, sure. we all have our own internal conflicts and instances where we are, ... See Morerelatively, fucked up... but that's the way this world works. if you can't accept someone they way they are, both the good and the fucked up parts, then maybe you don't understand the meaning of a true friendship (aimed not at you but to the person who wrote you the message). everyone has issues. nobody's perfect (i speak from my own experience) but unfounded accusations get us nowhere.
don't worry. if i ever see a major character flaw in you that threatens the well being of the entire universe, or at least our common group of friends, i'll let you know. Until then, rest assured that you are no more fucked up than any of us.

August 10, 2009 at 9:11am ·

Colin Hampton

Wow. Um. What? Did they read this before they sent it to you? Honestly? I'm baffled.

October 17, 2009 at 1:15pm ·

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[193] Poorly Thought Out

Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 8:52am

I need to explore what is going on in my head when I hold people up to a standard...or worse, an expectation. Is it a good thing to hold people up to a standard? Yes. How should that standard be measured and what should it contain? If you've ever been confused by my explanation or musings about levels, I'm hoping to alleviate some of the mess. I make a lot of fuss about typical verses individual. So my standard's lowest scale would be a person even acknowledging that they are a rational actor who makes decisions that reverberate throughout the world. Level one complete. The opposite end of the spectrum would be almost perfection of thought and action geared towards the proliferation and development of that self. I say almost perfect because it's naive to think things can be "perfect" or that it's even a reliable premise to begin with. Anything in between is more about the trend. There are things you can do, signs you can show, that you are progressing and taking yourself seriously, and there's things that keep you in limbo.

I'd say my degree of friendship with people is how well they progress between levels. The sole reason anyone has made it to my friend list, because it's such a grand achievement (overt sarcasm), is because they are at least a meager rational actor that can provide me with something at sometime. What and when is up for me to decide. I can entertain myself in imagining that's why I'm on all of yours, though I'm not sure if such is the case. Let's take drugs, for example. I don't mind drugs, do them, be happy. If you do them to help you concentrate on your life and what you want to do for the next ten years, more power to you. If you do them because you are mind numbingly bored and have lost all respect for your body, it isn't the drugs that are bad. But how simply things sound with an easy elaborative example....

I think lately I've been giving people too much credit. Think about that one for a second. For a while I was trying to convince myself that my "on the level" circle of friends was actually big enough to warrant a circle. As each day progresses and as I come to understand more about what I'm looking for and how it manifests, that circle closes to a point of singularity. I said previously that I can't trust you, and in the important sense that's true, but it isn't the whole story. I can trust you to play your part, especially when it isn't the part I've written. I will always manage to be witness to what it is I'd like to suppress and thus have to begrudgingly fight the urge that seeks to push you higher in the ranks. This is where knowledge and foresight border on being curses. When you can react in so many ways, all of which may get the job done, but with unpredictable consequences, it's almost a sort of paralysis on what to choose when if you don't maintain and overall scheme.

I am constantly analyzing and reanalyzing and running risk assessment scenarios in my head. I will take a single instance, a fleeting look or comment and run it through days of thought and spit out pages of what it might mean and where it might have went. The longer I spend on this process, the more I need to fight the hope that your on my understanding of this "level." I start to expect things. I try to ride on the flow of who you are and how we interact. It is beyond frustrating when that process spontaneously combusts because of too many contradictory and unsatisfactory inputs. And no, the mental machinery hasn't exploded but in a few instances.

Friendship should be two people who don't have to bullshit each other about who they are, and can share a common understanding and prospect about how they want to relate for the rest of their lives. Despite any "level" there should be a common room that both can invite the other into in order to appreciate and obtain from their presence. Whether that room is a jungle gym or study, it has to serve the same purpose. It has to allow each person to express who they are and allow them to accept who they're with. If you invite a friend who loves cigars to spend time in your poorly ventilated crawl space and you hate second hand smoke, you have a dumb and useless friendship. How to escape this analogy and continue to make sense to myself.....

I want to provide something. That's all this boils down to. I want people to recognize my utility, put it to their own use, and allow me to do the same. I want to be a character who has his role among a cast and not stage crew. That's when there's a real friendship to me. You can do stupid things, you can always fall short of what I'll deem "the level," and you can be as hopelessly human as you'll allow yourself if you can just establish how and why we relate and use it to make you happy. I never have, can, or will be able to provide anymore than my piece in that. It's not about scapegoating or supplementing feeling, it's manifesting our unique relationship. It takes two People, Minds, Natures, and Experiences. I'm lucky to get that from practically of you most of the time. But what could make things go deeper? What levels of understanding and trust are still locked and hidden away? I'm in pursuit of this, but I can't be you. I can only hope that who I'm talking to is the true realization and appreciation of you. I shouldn't have to hope.

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Updated about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Fritz Hesser

Maybe I'm an idiot blowing steam in the guise of Wisdom, but the way I've always seen it is like this:

Holding others to standards is a foolish endeavor, as the human creature is far to complicated to be judged by any simple criteria. You can only hold yourself, and your decisions to your standards. Because of this, don't ask if your friends meet ... See Morecertain standards, but rather, whether you being friends with them meets your standards of yourself.

As far as your contribution to friendships, I'm afraid I can't help you there. But consider this: most people delude themselves into thinking their friendships transcend usefulness and convenience, while this may not be true, perhaps the delusion is what makes a true friendship. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

August 9, 2009 at 4:49pm ·

Nick P.

Well, I'd hardly say that any standard I carried is understood simply, even to myself, but I get what your saying. If I asked if my friends to meet my standards for myself I'd always be saying no and thinking I have no friends lol, that's why I try to find something objective yet personal that each of them can go for independent of me.

I think I ... See Moreknow what I can and do contribute in my best friendships, I was just speculating about how others perceive it. I guess I don't know why people have to delude themselves. I mean, when you show yourself to be useful and convenient to start with, yet people can still describe things about you the individual, then there isn't much if any problem. I don't know if I could stomach calling a delusion a true friendship, unless you worded it to point out the discrepancy.

August 9, 2009 at 9:53pm ·

Byron R. Turner II

Fritz, I'd have to strongly disagree that it is a foolish endeavor to hold people to a standard set by yourself. The standard you set for "friends" is what allows you to truly reflect on their talent and worth and without having a set standard you would not be able to discern if the friend is still worth your time.

What sense would it make to ... See Morehave a high standard for yourself and your friend has a lower, or even sub-par standard. By holding them to the proverbial scale of friendship you are not only keeping your friendship priorities in line (which may mean pushing the friend up the friendship ladder, or pushing them off the ladder completely) but also giving yourself the ability to look into a human mirror to see what kind of friend you truly are.

And to end, a friendship of delusion is no friendship at all; a friendship based on clarity and understanding is a friendship that will truly stand the test of time.

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[192] Burn

Wednesday, August 5, 2009 at 2:08am

Keep trying to fuck me. I'm noticeably more capable of indifference and am much quicker at initializing it than I was able to in the past. I will always find the lesson to be learned, and turn your belligerence into an opportunity. None the less, I wish I was above getting played (read, I wish I'd stop allowing myself to doubt and deny my initial and overwhelmingly correct thoughts and feelings.) Trust is such a commodity it's practically sacred if you can find it. I need to get out of the habit of trusting anything more than what I perceive. Or more likely, I need to accept more rapidly what indeed it is I do perceive. I don't think I've fallen into the same kind of rut, but it does draw parallels with the past despite its own nuances.

I can't trust you.

This isn't because I'm closed off, naive, or stubbornly won't, it's because I've so rarely found someone who values trust and understanding like I do. They are values that are "beneath" most of you, or perhaps more nicely, simply taken for granted. Of course you'd immediately object. Who better than you to have a flood of names come to mind that you would slap the word trust onto your relationship with them? Fine, believe it and I won't have even the slightest compulsion to argue otherwise. Or maybe, you empathize with that sentiment. What then of your relationships? Just know that I do not have it with you. Nothing beyond the, for lack of a better word, superficial can you expect to trust from me. I'll "feel" around you, talk and have fun, be there and help anyone I've deemed as a friend, but I won't trust you, yet will continue to do whatever I can so you understand what trust means to me. I don't expect the same out of people as I do from myself, and that's how I allow myself to get burned. When I "hope" or "have faith" that I misinterpreted, or things are more unclear than I'd claim, when they come full circle I still can't stifle that five or so minutes of shock and disruption. I'm working to never allow you another five minutes.

I need to feel above the problems I encounter in life. I am hopelessly excited about the future and what I can accomplish, and can't let the sudden waves of bullshit detract from that. I have a choice, I fully understand that I have a choice, and it is a difficult choice. I'm trying to make it easier for me to make it. I've decided that I'm only a sociopath to the point of self-preservation. I can't go on a wanton killing spree and truly feel empty, nor can I go down a check list of ways to betray people I'm beholden to and not blink an eye. I put value in what I can get from people, and try to return the same amount. I'm discovering more concretely that practically nobody cares to understand or live by this code of "selfishness." Their brand is petty, defiant, and sacrificial. I am simply awed by how true it is that people find themselves most "alive" when they think you are suffering. I won't forget that it is their sickness, not mine.

It's easy to understand how I don't care about you when you don't care about me. Even more so, and I think more importantly, I don't care about you when you don't care about you. I'll stop pretending. My defiance will be a stoic form with a single question, "Is that so?" when your edicts and "values" are dropped into my presence. I can't justify in myself having the capacity to keep searching through your rulebooks of endless games. I can't allow myself the luxury of dreams that include your steadfast contributions. This has been the major flaw in my perception. That I could somehow recruit people into making my dreams reach their full potential. How foolish of me to forget or stay my thoughts and hard fought understandings about people when they would conflict with my dreams.

I've been given so many opportunities to "play god" if you will and start stirring the pot of other peoples' lives. Do that "beyond mere asshole" thing then proceed to fold my arms and nod my head with a grunt. There simply is no reason in it. I try to reach happiness with people. I try to value and hold onto our relationship as long as it will work, in whatever capacity, as frequently or infrequently as is required. I can't find a single credible motive to want to destroy that. What is yours? Where in your mind do you go to make yourself okay with inching over the line? Do you resent that you truly are that vulnerable? Do you expect me to exploit it? Do you hate that I don't?

To me, it's as simple as keeping your hand off of a lit stove. You not only hold your hand to it, you're nonchalant in suggesting our fingers should be interlocked. You try to justify and nullify my objections because in "my world" I could never understand the sophistication and, dare I say, love embodied in such an act. You'd even deny your screams and scorn my help if you could catch a glimpse of horror or pity on my face. Burn.

[191] Post Show Thoughts

Sunday, August 2, 2009 at 12:11am

I went to warped tour, and can't help my propensity to ridicule.

First, your 200 plus pound 15 year old ass should not be crowd surfing under any circumstance. When that ass gets dropped on my head, pulls my hair, and leaves me concussed, I hate you. And when that ass is about to faint and it takes three security people, and 7 hands in the pit to barely pour you over the rail it's called a news flash.

It isn't a contest to see who has the most "frilly flick-out-of-your-eyes" type hair. Nor are your oddly placed piercing telling me your an individual. It's one thing to do it for you, a completely different thing to do it to show how "into the scene and music" you are.

There are a lot a lot a lot of weird looking people. I thought I could get enough just walking around the mall, but fill tweeter center and get a couple hours between shows and damn.

I'm severely burdened by the amount of parents willing to drop off their, literally 11-15 year olds at the concert. "Somehow" they can all identify the smell of weed, scream their stupid heads off that it's cramped and hot in the third fucking row of a pit of 8,000 people, and walk around barefoot after their sandals miraculously came off during the show.

Actually, come to think of it, I just hate crowd surfing period. Your so full of yourself and enjoyment that the only way to release it is to drop your ass onto the heads of people who just want to watch the show and focus on how they can position their bodies to breath. And it's usually not enough to just do it once and prove to your friends that your wild and crazy, no you go back, and keep tumbling through 5 or 6 times, even when there is no fucking music playing. Idiot assholes.

I hate Devil Wears Prada. I hate the idea of a christian screamo band to begin with, but I think it's extra stupid when you toss out at the end of your show that, "you know guys, jesus is your friend too...and that's not meant to weird anybody out or anything it's just what we believe and what we claim." If your deity ,so full of love and awesome, is there and you believe so strongly in him, you'd think enough of him to not have to make a concession that it would bother someone to bring him up. Something tells me all the christians in the audience who are screaming their obscenities and being all too teenager, give half a fuck about what you claim to believe in, and if their screams confirm you're doing it right, you're not just wrong and stupid, you're desperate.

$9.50 for a slice of pizza means I shouldn't have seen anybody with a slice of pizza, not at least 20 people.

When your at the front of the pit, and your friend is disconnected from you, don't turn around, claw into those around you, and try to reclaim your grip on them. Not only are you taking up space that isn't being used to enjoy the music, your being a complete bitch who's willing to hurt people for the sake of keeping a hand on someone in a situation where you can't convey anything to begin with. In the same vein, when I hear you say "someone's poking my boob, I can't feel my arms, it's hot, I can't move, who's touching me!?, I need to get out of here" at the top of your lungs for 20 minutes, you deserve to die for your stupidity.

I don't know how you can justify elbowing someone in the kidney, neck, or direct spine, no matter how cramped it is. It's such a basic courtesy in that situation to find some arm positing that isn't in the most painful places for everyone around you.

I might add to this later, but I had to get a least this out.

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Updated about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Kristopher Walker likes this.

Brandy Dieterle

Sounds like a very interesting experience. If I wouldn't be completely surrounded by strangers and be extremely uncomfortable I'd totally go. But that's a little much for me. I'd be one of those stupid people freaking out cuz of everyone in my space touching me and so on.

It is amazing the kinds of things people do with their children. Dropping them off at concerts and then the kids just being retarded once they get there. It seems people don't use their brains very often.

August 2, 2009 at 11:44am ·

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